More Fragments
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Started on a second one to keep the chapter numbers down. Random ideas that aren't ready for prime time!
1. Chapter 1

**Identity**

**Disclaimer: I own no intellectual property belonging to JK Rowling or Joss Whedon.**

**1st Year**

"Anything interesting?" the dark haired man asked, as his wife read a note sent with an owl of all things.

"Hermione got into a fight with a troll," the woman said with a frown, her own locks of hair matching the color but lacking the curl her daughter's hair had.

"I thought they didn't have computers at that Hogwarts place," he said with a frown.

"A magical troll dear," she corrected him.

"Isn't she a bit young to be facing trolls?" he asked concerned, looking up from the paper he was reading.

"Which is why they sent a letter," she explained. "It was some kind of cock up, she's fine, just shaken up a bit."

"Put me against a troll at age eleven and I'd be shook up too," the man muttered. "I didn't face my first troll until I was nearly twenty."

The woman rolled her eyes.

"What do you think we should do?" he asked, knowing his first impulse, which was to reduce Hogwarts to rubble, was probably a tad much.

"Wait and see what she says," she replied. "She seems a bit happier in a magical school, rather than a mundane one, but this might make her change her mind."

"Fine, but I reserve the right to send a nasty letter to the school."

**After Christmas Hols**

"She's hiding stuff," he said with a heavy sigh.

"She's got friends now and is afraid we'd pull her from school, so she's sweeping everything under the rug she can."

"I didn't think I'd have to deal with her lying and sneaking around until she was a teen," he admitted sadly.

She hugged him tightly. "It's just a phase, she'll always be our little girl."

**2nd Year**

"What now?" he asked.

"Apparently, she's been turned to stone through unknown means and they can't restore her for a month or three."

"She could use the rest," he said. "Even willow wasn't so driven in school."

"She would have been in a magic school."

"Point."

**Year Three**

"We need to sign a permission slip," she announced.

"What for?" he asked.

"So our daughter can violate time like it's a two bit whore."

He raised an eyebrow.

"No, seriously. They have an item called a time-turner that would allow her to add a few more hours to her day so she could take every class offered."

"That's a quick way to burn out."

"I think that's the point, better a small breakdown now than a large one later."

"And, here I thought they were all idiots. Pass it to me, and I'll sign."

**Year Four**

"Dear, remind me again; why have I not destroyed major sections of the Magical World?" he asked, a white knuckled grip on the paper in front of him.

"Because our daughter likes the magical world," she replied, holding out a hand for the paper, which he dutifully handed over. After a few minutes, she folded up the paper and set it down. "Harry reminds me a lot of you."

"Are you trying to distract me?" he asked.

"I'm just saying, his mother was a red-head and got pregnant around the time I gave birth to our daughter."

"I admit that I got so plastered I lost a week when Hermione was born," he admitted. "However, Harry looks so much like his father it's ridiculous."

"Polyjuice," she pointed out. "That would make the biological father her husband and magically reinforce his features so he'd look like James. However, his soul would be a product of yours, Romeo."

"That makes a disturbing amount of sense," he admitted. "Except, he has yet to blow up his school or set the school on fire."

"It took you a few years to get that far."

"You make some very good points, but I have to ask; are you being serious, or trying to distract me?"

"I was trying to distract you, but honestly, it would explain a lot."

"I seriously doubt it, but I won't say it's impossible. How do you figure something like that would happen?"

"Pureblood inbreeding has caused a lot of problems, but using polyjuice on someone just affects the physical characteristics (as polyjuice has been used to impersonate muggles without affecting their magic) which would correct that."

"And, when drunk, I tend to light my cigs by snapping my fingers," he admitted.

"So, a pureblood family would go straight for you to continue their line."

"So, I was slipped a magical mickey so I wouldn't remember anything?"

"Even with the stress of Hermione's birth, you getting drunk enough to lose a week was out of character for you."

"I'm not telling her that Harry may be her brother," he said. "You'd need to compare souls to tell anyway, and the wizarding world she's joined is backwards enough to consider such spells evil."

"Fine, we'll leave it alone unless it looks like they're getting married or something."

"Good."

**Year Five**

"Voldemort's back, wanna kill him?" he asked hopefully.

"No interference, remember?" she said firmly.

"I know," he replied with a sigh.

"Our daughter is growing up, you have to let her do some things for herself."

"I know, and she's older and better prepared than either of us were when we started saving the world, I just worry."

"That's because you're a good father."

**Year Six**

"They interfered in the mail all year, and our daughter received her first serious wound," he said calmly. "Can I torch the wizarding world now?"

"They just got the problem out in the open and can no longer deny it," she replied. "We only step in if the bad guys take over. And, they just lost one of their largest assets, deniability."

"Fine," he said with a sigh.

**Year Seven**

He blinked and looked at his wife Monica...err Dawn as she enjoyed the beach. "I think we have a problem."

Dawn blinked a few times and looked around. "We're on a beach in Australia with a fake set of memories, yes this is a problem."

"This is not a spur of the moment action," he said, shaking his head sadly.

"I'm grounding her until she's thirty or a hundred and thirty," Dawn decided. "Depends on her reasons."

"Considering she called us helpless muggles while crying her eyes out, I'm going to have to guess she was corrupted by the wizarding world," Xander said. "Now, can I set it on fire?"

"Even if it was our own daughter, we were technically attacked by the wizarding world," Dawn said. "We are now free to act."

A ring of emerald flames rose around them and they vanished, leaving a ten foot circle of melted glass in the sand and yet another tale of spontaneous human combustion to hit the tabloids.

**AN: Typing by Lucilla! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Ball and Chain**

**Disclaimer: I own no intellectual property belonging to Joss Whedon or anything connected to Gilligan's Island.**

After the events of last night, Xander decided he needed a hobby. If he wasn't going to be hunting vamps, he needed something to do with his time, but what were his interests? Comic collecting was a fun pastime, but the prices could get a bit ridiculous and he really didn't have the money for it. That applied to most collecting hobbies when you thought about it. Model building got a bit repetitive, not to mention once again, the cost. What he needed was something that was fun, occupied his time, and made him money. He needed a job.

**A week later...**

"What happened to your arm?" Willow asked as class ended, since she rarely saw him outside of school lately.

"He probably jerked off too hard and fell off his bed," Cordelia said loudly, getting a laugh from the surrounding students.

"It's over Cordelia," Xander said flatly.

"What?"

"The whole insult each-other and have angry sex in the Janitor's closet deal is long gone, and no amount of insults is going to lure me back," Xander said, trying to look as earnest as possible.

"Told you I saw them duck into the Janitor's closet that one time," one teen said, slapping his friend on the shoulder. "You owe me a coke."

"You told me you were saving it for marriage," a jock said, sending a hurt look Cordelia's way.

"I...You...Argh!" Cordelia stormed off.

"That was unfair," Buffy said with a frown.

"She's gone way over her allowable bitch quotient," Xander said. "Anyway, I got bit by a shark."

"A shark?!" Willow exclaimed.

"I was diving about ten miles out," Xander explained. "See, Crazy George thought he'd figured out the drift pattern that washed a crate of hundred year-old whiskey up on the shore after the last big storm. The Southern Bell vanished during a routine delivery, and he thinks he knows where it went down. It most likely sank during a storm about seventy years ago, and while it's not exactly filled with pirate gold, crates of whiskey are worth their weight in silver."

"Back up," Willow said. "Why are you diving?"

"Because Crazy George hired me to, and it's fun," Xander replied.

"But you get bitten by sharks," Buffy pointed out.

"One shark in over a dozen dives," Xander argued.

"Why is he called Crazy George?" Willow asked.

"Because one of the ships he's trying to find is the S.S. Minnow," Xander said with a laugh. "He's convinced Gilligan's Island was based on real events."

"You're joking," Buffy said in stark disbelief.

"You're going to sea with a crazy man!" Willow voiced.

"I'm not joking, and the name is partly a joke because he has evidence to back up his claim," Xander said.

"You are a crazy man," Buffy accused him.

Xander laughed. "It's not exact, for instance the names are different, but a tour boat with that grouping of passengers vanished during a tour off the coast, there are records."

"So...No wacky hijinks?" Buffy asked.

"The writer who pitched the idea of the show wrote all that as a way of giving his cousin, who was one of the passengers, a full life that she didn't get in reality, or so Crazy George claims."

"Kinda morbid, but sweet," Willow said.

"Yep," Xander agreed. "George thinks they might have gotten on a life boat and at least survived the sinking of the Minnow, but we won't know until we find the boat."

"So, why are you working with him?" Buffy asked.

"Good money, fun job," Xander replied with a shrug. "I needed something to do, and I found I like doing it."

"And, the sharks didn't dissuade you?" Willow asked.

"Most sharks don't bother me, I only got bit because I didn't notice him."

"How can you not notice a shark?" Willow demanded.

Xander shrugged. "I didn't hear the music playing."

Buffy burst out laughing.

Buffy and Willow made it a point to eat lunch with him from then on, since most of Xander's free time was spent at sea and theirs slaying, and they didn't want to lose touch, though they did make a point of not talking about slaying so he wouldn't get drawn back in.

**A couple more weeks pass...**

"Willow," Xander said sadly, as he saw her game face.

"Xander?" she asked in surprise.

He stepped forward, pulling a stake from his belt, but as he met her eyes he let the stake drop. "How did this happen?"

Willow caressed his cheek with a cold hand, marveling at his warmth. "I always loved that about you, when I was cold and lonely, you always held me and drove it away."

"We'll fix this!" Xander swore, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her tightly.

"How?" she asked curiously, reveling in his warmth and life. "I'm a soulless monster, remember?"

"Then, I'll share my soul with you!" he swore.

"You'd share your soul with me?" she asked in shock.

"Everything I have is yours."

"If you really mean that, then I know a way." she whispered.

* * *

"Anything?" Willow asked as Buffy exited Willy's.

"She vanished with some dark-haired guy," Buffy replied. "The vamps were eager to talk, as she dusted their master and then left them high and dry for a human."

"Who could it..." Willow began but trailed off, a sickly look on her face.

"What?" Buffy asked, seeing that Willow had thought of something.

"Xander, she left with Xander."

"It could be some other dark haired guy," Buffy offered lamely. "Yeah, it's Xander," she finally admitted after a moment.

"What do we do?" Willow demanded.

"We find the vamp, we stake the vamp, we rescue Xander," Buffy said, looking into Willow's eyes and willing her to believe.

"Ok," the red-haired girl said, relieved. "How do we find him?"

"Giles, we'll ask Giles."

* * *

"There's no going back on this," Willow warned him. "This is like an old Catholic marriage, no divorce allowed. Of course, unlike a Catholic marriage, death doesn't mean parting. The only way we part is the end of the world, and that is a maybe," she babbled.

"I'm ready," Xander swore, baring his left wrist.

**AN: Typing by Lucilla!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Three's Company**

***BANG*BANG*** (on the door, baby)

Giles opened his door and found Buffy and Xander on the other side. "Xander, good to see you back. Buffy, please use the buzzer like I told you before."

"You know me?" Buffy asked, looking at Giles without a hint of recognition.

"Oh dear," Giles said, looking at Buffy with concern. "What happened?"

"Nothing," Xander said. "This Buffy has never met you."

"What?" Giles asked, freezing in place.

"There are two identical slayers whose lives match right up until Joyce tried to commit her," Xander said. "One Buffy stayed, the other split."

"I'd lost my watcher, my friends, my life," Buffy explained. "All I had left was my freedom. I wasn't about to let that be taken from me."

"I... I have no idea how we'd go about testing that," Giles admitted. "Would you mind submitting to some tests to prove that you're The Slayer?"

Buffy looked at Xander who nodded encouragingly, before agree. "Sure, as long as they aren't too weird."

"I was thinking finger prints and a hair sample to start," Giles offered. "If these match, we can call our Buffy over and get a cheek swab for a DNA test."

"No magic?" Xander asked.

"Slayers are difficult to locate mystically or we wouldn't throw knives at their head to test them," he explained.

"I still can't believe that's the test," Buffy groaned. "Couldn't you guys throw a ball or something?"

"Slayers respond to danger, a ball would be ignored."

"And how many innocent girls have gotten bleeding head wounds from the test?" Buffy demanded.

"None," Giles replied. "It's used as final proof that the girl is a slayer, not the initial test, and the knife is charmed not to harm anyone, which is more necessary than you think as most slayers automatically return the knife point first."

"Oh," Buffy said. "That makes sense."

"So, how did you two meet?" Giles asked.

Xander blushed and Buffy smirked.

* * *

Xander heard the sounds of fighting coming from the alley behind the strip club and rushed in, hands reaching for a vial of holy water and a stake. He wasn't looking for trouble, but as a graduate of Sunnydale High he was always ready for it to stop by and pop its head in to say hi. He blessed his foresight as he caught sight of a black clad figure wearing a ski-mask, fighting off half a dozen vamps with a level of skill and grace that looked familiar. Popping the top off the vial with his thumb, he swing his arm to splash as many vamps as possible before dropping the vial and grabbing a large wooden cross from where it was Velcro-ed to the inside of his jacket.

Two of the vamps had already dusted by the time he brought the cross up, and between their instinctive shrinking from the holy symbol and the burn of holy water, the other fighter found it easy to take down the confused and demoralized vamps. The figure, which was definitely female Xander noted, stepped forward and put her hand against the cross he held up. Seeing no burning, he put the cross and stake away, as she dropped to one knee and searched the last vamp, taking everything it had before dusting it. Xander retrieved his empty vial and waited for her to retrieve several battered iron crosses and some stakes from the floor of the alley.

"What's a stripper doing fighting vampires?" she asked curiously.

"I'm not a stripper," he blurted out before recognizing the voice. "Buffy?"

"Then who did I see on stage tonight?" she asked, pulling off her ski mask. "And how do you know me?"

Xander took out his wallet and showed her pictures of the two of them with a red haired girl.

"What does this mean?" she asked, confused.

* * *

"He heard me fighting vamps in an alley and jumped in," Buffy replied to Giles' question.

Giles looked at Xander. "You can't just jump into every fight and expect to survive. You need to learn to assess the situation and control your impulses or you won't live to reach twenty."

"He led off with holy water and a cross," Buffy defended him. "And considering I was backed into a corner, I'm sure as hell not going to fault his actions."

Xander and Giles just stared at her.

"What?" she asked.

"Buffy usually bitches at me when I save her," Xander explained. "And tells me how normal humans shouldn't be involved."

"That's crazy!" Buffy exclaimed. "Do you know how many vamps there are? If normal humans didn't get involved the world would already belong to them!"

***KNOCK*KOCK*KNOCK***

Giles answered the door and found Buffy and Willow there.

"Finished patrol early," Buffy said. "The summer's dead for the undead, as usual."

"Oh," Giles said. Deciding there was no way to ease into the subject he simply said, "Xander has found another you and we're doing some tests."

"What?" Buffy and Willow chorused.

"In here!" Xander called out from the living room.

"There's no need to yell," Giles told Xander as he returned with the two in tow."

"Wow, she really does look like me," Summers said, looking at Buffy. "I know you said she was me," she said to Xander, "but seeing it for myself is a whole 'nother matter."

"Should I be freaking?" Buffy asked. "'Cause she feels... like me."

"If you like," Giles replied, "but we were just about to have cocoa."

"With the little marshmellows?" Buffy asked hopefully.

Hit with twin puppy-dog-eyes, Giles quickly assured them, "With the little marshmellows." He left to retrieve the cocoa.

Willow and Buffy sat on the couch across from Xander and Summers who were on the love seat.

"Arm wrestle?" Summers offered.

Buffy and Summers both sat on the floor and put their right arm in position.

"Go," Xander said when he saw they were ready.

Summers and Buffy seemed to be evenly matched, but after a minute Buffy began to falter and Summers pushed her down.

"Winner, Buffy," Xander said amused.

"You're not eating right," Summers accused. "What's wrong?"

"I'm eating fine," Buffy defended herself. "I've just been stressed these last few ... years."

"Well, eat more," Summers ordered. "And take your multi-vitamins."

"Multi-vitamins?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah, we need way more than the average person," Summers said. "One multi-vitamin turns the average person's pee yellow. We need at least three a day, and five while injured, to keep on top."

"Is your pee yellow?" Willow asked Buffy.

"I thought it was because of all the water I drank!" Buffy exclaimed.

Summers laughed. "I can't believe there's two of me. This is weirder than Arnold Pasqual."

"You're telling me," Buffy snorted.

"Who?" Xander asked.

"Kid we went to elementary school with, who'd eat bugs for a quarter," Summers answered.

"How'd you find out about the vitamins?" Willow asked.

"My health is important if I want to survive," Summers replied. "So I read up on health and nutrition. I know my needs aren't the same as a normal person, so I experimented a little. For instance, did you know we can't get fat?"

"Really?" Buffy asked, wide eyed and looking like she'd won the lottery.

"Oh yeah," Summers assured her. "Pig out and all that happens is you heal faster and have more energy, so much that you can't sleep. It's come in handy for when I was wounded and couldn't afford to sleep."

Giles returned with mugs of cocoa with the promised little marshmallows.

"So, any idea, Giles?" Xander asked.

"Prophecies with multiple slayers should be easy to find," Willow suggested.

"There are no prophecies with multiple slayers," Giles replied. "Else Xander's twinning of the slayer line wouldn't have been such a shock."

"You twinned us?" Summers asked Xander.

"I revived Buffy with CPR," he explained, "and another slayer had already been called while Buffy was dead, completely different thing."

"Oh."

"So... no leads?" Willow asked.

"I recall vampire-you being caused by messing with time magics," Xander said. "This sounds similar."

"Vampire-you?" Summers asked.

"I accidentally summoned a version of me from the world where you didn't come to Sunnydale and 'The Master' turned it into Vampire Disneyland," Willow admitted.

"I don't think that happened here," Summers said, "because I've made some calls and everyone still knows me."

"Contacts from after becoming the slayer?" Giles asked.

"People I've saved and various contacts," Summers agreed. "Did that before coming here."

"Looks like we have a mystery on our hands," Buffy said.

Summers finished her cocoa and stood up, Xander quickly doing the same. "Well, let me know if you find anything, but I gotta hit the road."

"You're leaving?" Buffy asked.

"I'm helping with a nest clearing in LA tomorrow and I've gotta do a final walk through on a small town tonight," she explained. "I'll try to visit when I'm in the area, but I have a full plate right now."

"Need any help?" Buffy asked.

"Me and Xander can cover it."

"Xander?!" the girls exclaimed.

"What?" he asked.

"You're supposed to be on vacation," Willow said.

Xander shrugged. "What did you think I'd do on vacation?"

"Get sunburnt, a flat tire," Buffy listed off, "not go off and fight vampires."

"Yes, because when you aren't around vampires avoid me and pretend not to recognize me," he replied sarcastically.

"What?" Buffy asked, confused.

"Vampires are attracted to me and I trip over them everywhere I go," Xander said.

"So as a baiter, you are the master?" Summers asked innocently.

"Yes," Xander said proudly, "I'm a master baiter."

Willow turned red and Buffy stared in shock while Giles groaned, but Summers and Xander laughed.

"I can't believe you got me with that one," he said.

"It was getting too tense in here and we have stuff to do," Summers said.

"We?" Willow exclaimed.

"We left my car back in Oxnard," Xander replied. "We took her motorcycle down here, besides it sounds fun."

"He's a handy guy to have around," Summers said with a smirk as Xander groaned and followed her out.

As the door closed, Buffy turned to Giles. "Let me know if you find out anything, I'm going to go ask mom if she remembers anything strange from LA."

"I'll go with you," Willow said, looking a bit upset as the motorcycle carrying Xander raced off into the night.

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	4. Chapter 4

**4 Play Prt 4**

Prt1 Fragments chapter 37

Prt2 Fragments chapter 41

Prt3 Fragments chapter 63

* * *

"Van," Osborne said, waving for Xander, Harris and Rosenberg to follow her and away from the salesman trying to sell them a Winnebago.

"Hold that thought," Xander told the salesman as they followed her to the back corner of the lot where a three-quarter ton white van sat.

The van looked...plain. It was a simple white van with good ground clearance and the only side windows were in the front.

"It's used," the salesman warned, pulling open the sliding door to reveal wall-to-wall shag carpeting and a bed that took up the entire back half of the van.

"That could fit five comfortably," Harris said.

"Good stereo," Osborne noted.

"It's four large, which is a bit pricy for used," the salesman admitted. "But, its got power steering and brakes, cruise control, and a great AC. Plus, see those switches on the dash? It's got three fuel tanks and can be switched from 8 cylinder to 6 cylinder operation to conserve fuel."

"Cool," Osborn said, examining the captain chairs.

"CB," Rosenberg noted.

"And, that beeps when hit with radar," the salesman said.

"We'll take it," Xander said as Harris and Osborn climbed inside and bounced on the bed.

"I'll get the papers," the Salesman replied, happy to close a deal. "Financing?"

"Check for the full amount," Xander replied.

"Excellent," he beamed before leaving.

"What is this?" Rosenberg said as she pulled a magnetic sign out of one of the drawers under the bed offering house painting services and another claiming TV repair.

"There are dozens," Harris noted. "Just slap it on the side of the van, and you're in business."

"Or invisible," Osborn said. "If you see a pool cleaning van, you generally ignore it."

"I bet this van has great shocks," Harris said with a grin as she saw where Osborn was going with it.

"I'm just a gigolo," Xander sang as the girls laughed.

The salesman returned with keys and papers. "Start her up."

Xander climbed into the leather driver's seat and started the van, which roared and settled down into a smooth idle. "I'm definitely sold. Where do I sign?"

**0o0o0o0o0o0**

Hank and Dawn Summers finished their lunch and family bonding before meeting up with the others at a local mall.

"Looks kinda plain," Hank said as they spotted the four next to the van.

"If we want exciting, we'll paint it pink," Dawn said.

Xander opened the side door and let them look inside.

"Now that's a shaggin' wagon," Hank said in shock.

"Yeah," Summers agreed with an evil grin.

Hank slammed the door shut and put an arm around Xander's shoulders. "Time for the standard father threat."

"You'll kill me if she gets pregnant," Xander guessed.

"Not remotely," Hank said. "As long as she's happy and still goes through college I'm happy, besides I hate planning things out in advance that could end up with the word pre-meditated being thrown around in the courtroom."

"Daddy!" Dawn Summers groaned.

"I will simply say I have defended quite a few people who think kneecaps should be more flexible and tested that idea for startlingly small amounts of money. She's smiling and heading for college, let's continue that trend."

"Yes, sir," Xander said seriously.

Hank released him and gave his daughter one last hug. "I like him more than any of the boys Buffy brought home. Have fun, call if you need anything, and remember to take pictures. Half of the fun of a trip is looking back on it later."

After Hank left, Xander turned to Summers. "Remind me to research healing spells just in-case, but for now -"

"Disneyland!" the girls chorused.

**0o0o0o0o0o0**

"We need a medic by Space Mountain," Craig announced over the radio as he monitored his section of the park from main security underneath Snow White's castle. "Donald is down, I say again Donald is down."

Mr. Simmons nodded approvingly and made a note to cut the mascots' times between breaks even further to avoid heat exhaustion as the temp climbed even higher.

Craig picked up the phone and dialed a number from memory. "Hey, Warez, remember how you said us white boys couldn't take the heat? You may have a point, for now at least. I got a dozen spots available for the current heat wave."

Mr. Simmons' eyebrows raised, but he remained silent.

"I know, but I've got it covered. They'll be in costume, so no-one will even notice their skin condition," he promised. "Gate five. Excellent, I'll see you there."

"Skin condition, white boy?" Simmons asked.

"Warez's family has that whole werewolf gene thing where they are covered in hair," Craig explained. "But, being from a much hotter climate and always covered in hair means even on a day like today they're pretty comfortable."

"Like that family of acrobats," he said, remembering the article.

"Some are worse than others, but the important thing is hiring a bunch of temps is cheaper than paying for a bunch of people suffering heatstroke, even if we have to train them a bit."

**0o0o0o0o0o0**

Com'th stared thoughtfully at the hologram of the blue-green world turning in front of him. Humans on this world were either pathetically easy or even more dangerous than the hard meat. He was hoping to run into the second rather than the first. His only real complaint was that humans lacked a decent pelt he could make a bed lining out of.

Chuckling to himself, the Predator set course for the area the last hunter had reported a good hunt at, L.A.

**AN: Typing by Lucilla!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Strange Bedfellows 4: Tara Firma**

**Prt1 chap 35 ********Fragments**

**Prt2 chap 52 ****Fragments**

** Prt3 chap 65 ****Fragments**

Harrisburg had been a flyspeck on the map at one time, until its small population had vanished, leaving the buildings to crumble and the plants to sprout in the middle of what used to be Main Street. Time and the slow march of the local wildlife had rolled over the small town until only a knowledgeable eye or someone with a surveyors map could tell you where anything had stood.

Xander and Kennedy stepped out of the motorhome and winced at the early morning sunlight.

"I thought desert scrubland was supposed to be hot," Kennedy said, goose bumps readily apparent as she had chosen a pair of faded Levi cutoffs and an olive green half-shirt to wear.

"Wait 'til the sun is higher," Xander promised, comfortable in Levis and a flannel shirt. "Then you'll see some heat," he promised, gathering stones to make a campfire while Kennedy retrieved the cooking supplies.

The smell of breakfast roused Tara, well that and the arguing.

"Why did you ask what kind of eggs I like if you can only make scrambled?" Kennedy growled.

"What, I can't be curious about my girlfriend?" Xander teased.

"You should join them," Tara's mom said sleepily, healing taking most of her energy.

"Do you need anything?" Tara asked.

"I'm fine dear, go have fun," she encouraged before yawning and drifting off.

Tara got dressed and stepped outside, shivering in the morning chill.

"Morning, Tara," the two chorused.

"Morning," she replied quietly, looking down.

Xander quickly slid a paper plate into Tara's field of view. "Several varieties of fresh fruit and there is juice in the ice chest," he offered. "If you would like non-vegetarian grub, there's bacon and eggs."

"I-I'm not a vegetarian," Tara said shyly as she accepted the plate. "But, I have heard it's healthier. I haven't been able to find out much about it at home."

"For the majority of people it may be," Xander admitted. "But more active folk require more protein than a strictly veggie diet provides. I'll have bacon and eggs ready for you in five. How would you like your eggs?" He retrieved the skillet and dropped a couple of slices of bacon on it.

"Fertilized," Kennedy whispered in her ear.

"Fertilized," Tara repeated aloud, only to freeze as she realized what she'd said.

Xander showed he was capable of blushing and babbling, making Kennedy fall over laughing and actually getting a smile out of Tara despite her own embarrassment.

"I-I mean over-easy." Tara said loudly.

"Coming right up," Xander replied, keeping his eyes on the pan, red-faced, but smiling.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist the chance to make him blush," Kennedy apologized.

"It w-was funny," Tara admitted.

Xander handed a plate to Tara once he'd finished.

"Hey!" Kennedy complained. "I thought you could only make scrambled eggs."

"Hers are unfertilized," Xander said with an evil grin. "Yours weren't too salty… were they?"

Kennedy froze, wide-eyed for a moment before shaking her head. "You almost got me on that one, but I saw you cooking so I know you didn't have time to add boy juice to my eggs."

"Man juice," Xander corrected. "Freshly squeezed."

Kennedy laughed. "I'm not buying it...But, I will be helping you cook from now on."

The fire was put out and everything was cleared up and put away before too much time had passed.

"So, what is there to do here?" Kennedy asked Tara.

"Here?" Tara asked, confused.

Xander handed her a map. "There was a small town here about a hundred years ago."

Tara looked around the empty landscape with new eyes and a sense of excitement. Tara was like a different person as they followed her through the ghost town brushing aside dirt and moving tumbleweeds to reveal the bones of the town.

"Sunscreen," Kennedy announced, holding up a bottle when the day began to heat up and Xander removed his flannel shirt to reveal a black tee underneath. "I'll need help, so just to be fair..." Kennedy pulled an eyebrow pencil out of her pocket and drew a line down the center of Xander's face.

Xander stared cross-eyed at the line on his nose. "To be fair?"

"I get the left side, you get the right," Kennedy told Tara, turning over the bottle of sunscreen and squeezing some into Tara's hands.

Tara managed to avoid blushing as she covered Xander's arm and half his face with sunscreen, but she was very meticulous, taking her time.

"And now me," Kennedy said, handing the pencil to Xander and closing her eyes.

Xander drew a line down the center of her face and into her cleavage before bisecting her bellybutton and along her backbone. He returned to her face, and she rolled her eyes behind closed lids as he handed the pencil to Tara.

"You drew a mustache on my face, didn't you?" she asked.

"A pencil thin one," Xander agreed as they started on her arms.

"How's it look?" she asked, amused.

"Very fetching," Tara offered as they moved onto her exposed stomach and back.

"I do good work," Xander promised as they spread sunscreen on her legs.

"Ahhhhhh," Kennedy sighed. "I am so making you two my official massagers."

"We need a massage table," Xander said as they finished her legs.

"My turn," Tara said, red-faced and thankful she didn't have a lot of exposed skin, as she handed the eyebrow pencil back to Kennedy and closed her eyes.

The two carefully covered her face and hands, but Kennedy knelt down and poked Xander. "Feet," she announced. The two spread sunscreen on her exposed feet since she was only wearing sandals, and then on her ankles. "More skin!" Kennedy said as if surprised as she pushed up the hem of Tara's skirt.

Tara got a little breathless as they reached her knees before withdrawing, and not from fear either.

"If you feel anything start to get warm, let us know and we'll rub sunscreen on it," Kennedy promised.

Tara blushed, understanding exactly what was being offered.

"In the meantime, let's break out the metal detectors," Xander said cheerfully, breaking the tension.

"Metal detectors?!" Tara said excitedly, shyness forgotten once more.

**AN: Typing by Lucilla! If you like my work remember to stop by and check hers out as well!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Malcom Harris**

Xander looked at the costume again. The price was more than he wanted to pay, but it was definitely worth it.

"Problem?" the shop's proprietor asked, making Xander jump.

"Don't do that!" Xander snapped, clutching his chest. "The last thing you want is to have the headlines read: 'High school Student Drops Dead in Costume Shop'. It'd scare off your customers."

"Or attract more customers," the proprietor said with an evil grin as he rubbed his hands together greedily, before they both burst out laughing.

"Price is a bit more than I have on me," Xander admitted. "I was thinking of picking it up later, but I don't think I'll have the time."

"So get it now and pay me later," the dark haired Englishman said. "It's not like you're going to skip town to avoid paying."

"That'd be great," Xander said.

"Just remember, I curse all my merchandise to bring chaos to the lives of thieves, so if you don't pay then the costume shop's curse falls on you," he said melodramatically, before they both started laughing again.

Xander left, happy with his outfit while Ethan smirked. He hadn't been kidding about the curse, and while few indeed were the ones who deliberately stole from his shop, there was a good chance, either through misadventure or memory-suppression, that the boy would forget to pay for the outfit, making him a legal target for the curse.

0o0o0o0o0

"And who are you?" Joyce asked, as she took the opportunity to run her eyes up and down Xander's leather and Levi clad form.

Feeling a little nervous, but not knowing why, Xander cleared his throat and straightened his brown leather jacket. "Malcom Reynolds, ma'am, captain of the firefly class spaceship: Serenity," Xander said in his best Texan accent.

"Why Mr. Reynolds, do I look like a ma'am to you?" Joyce asked, posing with a hand on her hip.

"Even a blind man wouldn't mistake you for a sir," Xander swore, "and I was raised right proper to call every young miss: ma'am."

"Why Captain Reynolds, you smooth talker you. Are you sure my daughter's virtue will be safe with that silver tongue of yours around?" Joyce batted her eyes at him.

Xander made a show of straightening his clothes. "As if you were old enough to have a daughter of marriageable age," he teased, reaching out to take one of her hands.

"AHEM!" Buffy said loudly as she stood at the head of the stairs and glared at Xander who'd just kissed the back of Joyce's hand.

"Well Captain, let me introduce you to my daughter, Princess Buffy," Joyce said dryly, not pleased with the way Buffy interrupted their fun.

"Ain't she a sight?" Xander asked with a smile, before adding in a sotto voice out of the side of his mouth, "I could smuggle a family of five off planet in the bottom of that dress and no one would know."

"Xander!" Buffy growled while Joyce broke up laughing.

"But seriously, if I turn up missing then send a search party into her petticoats. I'd send up a flare to mark my position, but ..." Xander broke off, easily dodging the slayer, whose movements were hampered by the dress.

"I'll get you yet!"

"Not in that medieval monstrosity," Xander swore, shaking his head. "The women from that time period were considered nothing more than property and thought everyone of lower social status than themselves were inferior animals."

"Not a fan of medieval society?" Joyce asked curiously.

"Big no on that one," Xander said. "Monarchy means a class system where the nobs, or nobility, could do far more than just get away with murder, because if a noble killed a peasant then it wasn't considered murder. I won't even go into how children were treated."

"Watching Disney with you must suck," Buffy said, shaking her head.

"Actually, it's a lot of fun," Willow disagreed, coming down the stairs in her traditional ghost costume. "The jokes can be a bit racy though."

"Jokes?" Joyce asked.

"Disney rewrote folk tales to make them more kid friendly," Xander explained. "The originals were filled with blood, sex, and tears. Happily ever after is a modern invention."

"So when you look at this beautiful princess dress…" Buffy said leadingly.

"I see oppression and bigotry unseen in centuries," he said bluntly. "I've talked to Giles and An- and others who know about the time period intimately, and they completely agree with my viewpoint. Today is much better than yesterday and I have high hopes for tomorrow as well."

"And yet you're dressed like a cowboy," Buffy pointed out.

"Space cowboy, thank you very much," Xander said. "The frontier requires a rougher sort of clothing and man than civilization, but rough doesn't have to mean bigoted or backwards."

"Enough social history," Willow said. "We have children to look after and candy to collect."

"Good point," Xander agreed and shortly the three were out the door and on their way.

0o0o0o0o0

"Has anyone noticed any after-effects from last night's events?" Giles asked, upset that he'd been unable to locate Ethan 'til well after midnight, so the spell hadn't been broken 'til sometime after two AM.

"I'm solid once more," Willow said.

"I have a lingering urge to stock and provision the library in case of siege, and I think I aced my French quiz," Buffy offered.

"I can speak Chinese, ride a horse, run a star-ship, and fight a war," Xander announced.

"You remember everything Mal knew?" Willow asked hopefully.

"Yep, just like it'd happened to me."

"So you know how to build technology from centuries in the future!" Willow exclaimed excitedly.

"Nope," Xander replied. "I know how to work advanced technology from centuries in the future, but I don't have the faintest idea how to build it."

"Oh," Willow said, calming down.

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Heritage**

The Scoobies were buried in various books at The Magic Shop, researching the latest demon problem when Willow arrived with an unusually serious look on her face, attracting everyone's attention.

"Honey, is everything alright?" Tara asked, concerned.

Willow gave Tara a hug and turned to Xander. "Do you remember asking me why you were able to take so many blows from the Troll Hammer when it only took one to put Buffy down?"

"Yeah," Xander replied nervously.

"I... Well, there's no easy way to say this, you're a government experiment."

"What?!" came the near universal chorus.

"They wanted to make a born leader, someone who could be the ultimate general," Willow explained.

"Like Captain America?" he asked hopefully.

"A general, not a front line fighter," Willow said apologetically. "So they took DNA from a world leader who did great things for his country."

"Who?" he asked nervously, not liking the way she was avoiding naming the donor.

"He did get the trains to run on time, as well as almost taking over all the known world," she said quickly.

Xander paled. "Oh God, I'm a Hitler clone!"

"Not just Hitler!" Willow said loudly, so she'd be heard over everyone. As they quieted down she explained, "The scientists were concerned with the social stigma of being genetically related to Hitler so they included DNA from one of his opponents."

"So... he's not just a Hitler clone, he's more like the child of Hitler and Churchill?" Giles offered hopefully.

"Stalin, actually," she said apologetically as Xander paled. "Now, I know what you're thinking!"

"I doubt that," Xander said numbly.

"You're thinking 'but neither of those two were known for their physical skills," Willow said.

"I wasn't, but that's a good point," he replied.

"They got DNA from a promising young football player who did go pro, and has been nominated for a Heisman."

"An American who was neither a Nazi nor a communist?" he asked hopefully.

"All American, though he is black, so a couple generations back his family was from Africa."

"Far enough back we all are," Xander waved it off.

"That explains the size of your penis," Anya offered encouragingly.

"Maybe," Xander said pushing down a blush. "So was he well known?"

"He was just in the news...," Willows voice trailed off. "Um, and his wife: Nicole..."

Xander's head hit the table with a thump. "Any more good news?"

"The last donor was added to give you more appeal to the common man," Willow offered.

"Yeah?" Xander asked, a trace of hope in his voice.

"Yeah, they wanted someone who could inspire a following," she said.

"It'd probably take dried blood from the shroud of Turin to counter-act the DNA I already have," he said, "but I'll take Bob Denver at this point. Who was it?"

"Manson..." her voice trailed off.

"Charles or Marilyn?" Xander asked before waving it off. "You know what, it doesn't matter. If anyone needs me I'm going to confession."

"But you're not Catholic," Anya said.

Xander left without replying.

As the door closed behind him, Willow burst into laughter, drawing everyone's attention.

"What's so funny?" Buffy demanded.

"It was a joke?" Spike asked, beginning to snicker.

"And he said my April Fools pranks sucked," Willow said with a grin.

"It's nowhere near April Fool's Day," Giles pointed out.

"Well yeah," Willow admitted, "that'd make it too obvious."

Spike fell over laughing.

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	8. Chapter 8

**B.U.M. III**

**Previous chapters in Fragments.**

**CH1 68**

**CH2 70**

The heroes watched as the two men held up their right fist with their rings pointing at each other and the rings pulsed once.

"And that's that," Xander said, holding out a palm for Green Lantern's ring.

John Stewart sighed and depowered, removing his ring and handing to Xander. "It's a shame, I liked being a Green Lantern. I really felt I made a difference."

"Did I blink and miss the contest?" Flash asked as everyone stared in confusion.

"Yeah," Plastic Man chimed in. "Where was the battle?"

"It's not a battle," John said as the heroes rejoined them. "The rings are connected to their bearer to such an extent that they become extensions of them, which means the two rings simply compare data to determine a winner."

Xander removed his yellow ring and placed it next to the green one, closing his hands around them both for a moment before opening them to reveal a single yellow-green ring that he put on his finger. A moment of concentration created a green bubble in his hand that vanished a second later.

"You did a lot of good work, John," Superman assured him, "and just because you don't have a ring any more doesn't mean you have to quit the League. I'm pretty sure you have the will to continue being a hero without the ring."

"Batman, Steele, Green Arrow," Plastic Man began listing off heroes without powers who used home-made equipment.

"Ok, Ok, I get it," John said with a smile.

"The ring was just a tool. There are other tools available," Batman pointed out.

"You will always be my hero, Boo," Vixen said, pulling him down for a kiss.

A flash of green heralded the arrival of a short blue figure with a large head.

"Gaurdian," John said with a mixture of reverence and shock.

"Greetings, John Stewart," the Guardian said. "We received a message that you lost your ring in a challenge, is that correct?"

Everyone turned to Xander who waved cheerfully.

"I was battling Sinestro when his ring chose a new wielder," John explained. "When I went to retrieve the ring from its new wielder, Spider-Man, I inadvertently entered into a ring challenge, which he won."

The Guardian cupped his hands for a moment, causing them to glow bright green and making everyone flinch, but when he opened them he held a new Green Lantern ring. "We are not directly involved in the ring challenges, as order without compassion leads to injustice, but we do have some interest in the end result of the challenges."

John Stewart caught the new Green Lantern ring as it flew to him and welcomed him to the corps.

"Try not to lose this one," the Guardian said, amused. "May I see your ring, please?" he asked Xander.

Xander slid the ring off his finger and let the Guardian scan it.

"So is it like two or three times as powerful as a normal ring?" Gear asked curiously.

"Fear erodes will, will crushes fear," the Guardian replied.

"Erm, translation?" Gear asked.

"It's nearly powerless," Xander explained. "The two forces are like heat and cold, they cancel each other out."

"Then why would anyone challenge for another ring?" Plastic Man asked.

"Once more, I didn't make the challenge," Xander said irritably. "Anyway, as I said, the challenge is about a philosophical argument among the Lords of Order. We don't have words for the concepts involved and they are completely over my head. It has nothing to do with gaining power."

The Guardian scanned Xander before handing back the ring. "Your clothing has a slight connection to the yellow spectrum," he noted.

Xander consulted with his symbiote and discovered its ability to generate a fear aura and slight tele-empathic ability that had been enhanced by contact with the yellow ring. "I know," he replied, not wanting to go into its feeding habits.

"Thank you for your time," the Guardian told Xander. Turning to Green Lantern he nodded slightly. "Keep up the good work, I must be off now."

After the Guardian had vanished, GL turned to Xander, "Thanks."

"Don't thank me," Xander waved it off. "Your ring is the one who wanted to send a message. I just agreed because the Guardians are good guys and I figured you'd get a replacement ring faster."

"You knew they would send a replacement ring," Gear said. "That's why you were acting like it wasn't a huge deal."

"I figured since GL was chosen before, the replacement ring would choose him again and regardless of the outcome they would need to send another green ring."

"You knew the contest would leave the winner with a powerless ring," Batman said.

"It was pretty obvious," Xander said with a shrug. "Complementary emotions they are not."

"And you aren't upset?" Plastic Man asked. "That's a huge step down in power, from ring wielder to... well, non-powerful-ring wielder."

Xander shrugged. "I admit I was looking forward to flying, but that's about all I needed the ring for."

"Aren't you homeless?" Static asked.

"Yeah, but since I'm not a criminal, a power ring wouldn't change that. I need actual identification so I can get a job, so I can rent a place and buy food, especially since I'm eating for three now," Xander finished as his costume informed him of its current condition.

"Eating for three?" Plastic Man asked, confused.

Xander nodded. "While I was asleep last night, a girl crawled into bed with us and she was radiating ... erm, I really don't want to get into how complicated our reproductive cycle is, but it boils down to, we're pregnant and we don't know who the mother is."

Plastic Man's jaw hit the ground as he demonstrated the proper way to pull off jaw dropping shock.

Batman backtracked Xander's movements using his handheld (and bat themed) link to the station's computer and discovered which female had inadvertently shared his bed, before Plastic Man had picked his jaw off the floor. "Starfire," he announced.

"I should probably meet with her," Xander said.

* * *

"Um, Starfire?" Robin asked.

"Yes, Robin?"

"Did you sleep with someone on the Watchtower?"

"She wouldn't do that," Beastboy quickly jumped to her defense.

"Not on purpose," Starfire admitted. "He was invisible and asleep when I crawled into bed with him. I was exhausted and depressed, the Bosnia mission was a success, but over a dozen children died. It was actually a relief not to sleep alone."

"I understand," Robin said, giving her shoulder a squeeze.

"So... why bring it up?" Raven asked curiously.

"Erm... Due to the unique physiologies of the individuals involved... he's pregnant!"

***THUD***

"Star? Star?!" Robin shook the unconscious superheroine.

**AN: Typing by Ordieth! **


	9. Chapter 9

**Ensign America**

Clint stared at the blond man frozen in the ice. His flag-inspired costume was the stuff of legends. "So... we're just going to hit defrost and hope for the best?"

Nicholas Fury chuckled. "Hardly. Using lasers we are going to cut him out of the ice and slowly raise his temperature using infrared lamps, all while bathing him in the energy of the Vita Ray Projector, which was recovered from the original project."

"Can't we test it on someone who isn't a living legend first?" Clint asked.

"The number of Super Soldiers frozen in ice is rather small," Nick said dryly.

"Several people a year get buried in avalanches or fall through the ice and become frozen like the Cap here. I'm suggesting we find one of them and do a dry run to make sure everything works the way it's supposed to. I know they won't revive like we're expecting him to, but it'd be a shame if it turned out the lasers suffered from light refraction, the Vita Ray Projector couldn't keep a stable output, or ... some other problem popped up that we weren't prepared for."

The scientists scattered about the lab fell silent and looked at Fury for direction, clearly agreeing with the younger agent. Nick considered the idea for a moment and could find no fault with it. "Do it," he ordered.

**One week later...**

Clint raised an eyebrow as he stared at the second ice block; which held a snarling, blood-soaked figure wielding an axe. "Ok, I know this was my idea, but couldn't you find something better than Lizzie Borden's older brother?"

"He's not an axe murderer," Nick said, amused.

Clint looked at the figure one more time and then back at his superior.

The director of S.H.I.E.L.D. smirked. "A polar bear was preying on people in a small mining town on the border to Canada during the big blizzard a few years back. It'd gotten bold enough to attack large groups and had carried off a young girl from the lodge Mr. Harris was staying at. According to eye-witnesses, he snatched up an axe and chased after it. The girl returned ten minutes later, bleeding but alive. They had to wait nearly a week for the blizzard to die down enough for them to look for him, but neither he nor the bear were found."

"Looks like he found it," Clint said.

"And wounded it enough to kill it, as it never made another appearance," Fury agreed. "His body was uncovered by an avalanche last month and the locals kept him frozen in the hopes that someone could revive him. The only way we could find a more perfect test subject would be to make one."

"And in death he helps save one more life," Clint said.

"When you're ready," Nick told the waiting scientists.

True to Clint's predictions, the lasers had to be adjusted, as they left too much ice on the figure and the plug on the Vita Ray Projector had to be replaced due to a loose wire, but after several hours of careful work they restarted the process.

"Lasers to full," Jensen warned, as several robotic arms guided the beams in cutting the ice within a centimeter of his skin.

"I thought we agreed to cut through the axe handle to lessen the amount of area to cover," Fury said.

"The lasers are calibrated specifically to cut ice," Jensen said. "It should have cut through the handle as well, but I'm guessing it's not actually wood."

"The Cap may have grenades on him, so avoid cutting anything," Clint suggested.

"Roger," Jensen agreed, making adjustments to the panel in front of him.

"Steve Rogers, to be specific," Agent Coulson said as he entered with Natasha Romanova, a.k.a. The Black Widow.

"We're still doing the test run on the axe murderer," Clint joked.

"Powering up infrared heaters and Vita Ray Projector," Jensen announced.

"I already read the file on him," Natasha said, rolling her eyes at her partner.

"Core temperature rising rapidly," Jensen announced with a frown.

"What does that mean?" Phil asked.

"The Vita Ray Projector," Jensen decided. "It must cause heat in the target as a by-product. Someone shut it down."

"Plug's stuck," a lab assistant complained as she pulled at the cord.

"Core temp rising past awakening threshold!" Jensen called out as the ice began to crack and steam obscured the figure.

The Widow turned and threw a knife, cutting through the cord of the Vito Ray Projector just as a roar came from the steam cloaked figure and bits of ice showered the lab.

"Fuck!" the axe wielding man screamed, clutching his head for a second as the steam evaporated off him, showing ... a bit larger man than they expected.

"Was Mr. Harris that big a moment ago?" Clint asked.

"No, and he didn't have green hair either," Nickolas Fury said, un-snapping the holster on his side arm.

"Brain freeze," Harris complained with a groan before recovering and spinning around, his green eyes slowly focusing on his surroundings. "I don't suppose anyone's seen a large white furry thing? Likes to eat people..."

"The polar bear?" Clint asked.

Xander nodded slowly. "Polar bear... right."

"It's dead," Clint assured him. "The killings stopped the night you vanished."

"Vanished?" Xander asked, looking around nervously and noting the state of his clothes which had practically exploded off his larger frame.

"You were found frozen in a block of ice," Clint told him.

"I..." He relaxed and nodded. "Ok, I can handle frozen in ice. How long have I been on ice?"

"Almost five years," Clint told him solemnly.

"Noooo!" Xander moaned and fell to his knees, sobbing. "My life is ... gone. Passed while I slept..."

"Ghostbusters II, the new Star Wars," Clint said sadly.

"They - they came out?" Xander begged.

"Not nearly as good as the original," Clint said, laying a hand on his shoulder.

"Why, god?! Why must you torment me this way?!" he cried melodramatically.

Natasha and Nick exchanged looks.

"The... The Simpsons?" Xander asked hopefully, looking up at Clint with tears in his eyes.

"Still on the air," Clint promised, giving his shoulder a comforting squeeze.

"Oh, well that's ok then," Xander said getting to his feet.

"Dear god, they're two of them," Phil muttered.

"Ok, so I've been revived after five years in the deep freeze and I did kill the wendigo err polar bear," he said. "Why and how did you know to thaw me out and why do I look like I've been bogarting the steroids?"

"You were just a test run of the equipment. We thought you were a corpscicle," Clint said with a shrug.

"Test run?" he asked, looking around and spotting the other block of ice and its occupant. "Great googly moogly!"

"Yeah, we have no idea why you got bigger or have green hair. Hell, we don't know why you actually revived."

"Well, as a former corpsicle let me say thanks, and can I get a hot bath and some clothes?"

"And a complete physical," Fury said firmly.

"Fine, but I'm not a lab rat or a prisoner," Xander said, drawing the line.

"Not a prisoner, but you may have to act as a lab rat until we can figure out what happened to you and make sure you're stable," Nick countered.

Xander rested his axe on his shoulder and tapped his chin as he thought. "If it takes too long or gets too close to the Mengele line, we'll have problems."

Fury nodded. "That's reasonable. Romanova, please escort Mr. Harris to the infirmary."

"Certainly," she agreed, giving Xander her most charming smile, which caused Mr. Harris to hide behind Clint.

"Now what's the problem?" Fury demanded.

"The last insect woman I ran into tried to eat me," Xander said nervously.

"Insect woman?" she asked, smile still in place.

"Tight leather, red hair, hourglass symbol on your belt," Xander listed off. "If you aren't a Black Widow, I don't know what is."

Natasha blinked, surprised he'd read her so well.

"Coulson, please escort Mr. Harris to the infirmary," Fury said with a sigh.

"On it boss," Phil agreed, waving for Xander to follow him, which he did while still carrying his axe and being careful not to turn his back on Natasha 'til they'd passed out of sight.

"I don't know whether to feel complimented or insulted," she admitted once they left.

Fury nodded. "Wendigo, insect woman, lack of surprise in unusual situations. This has all the earmarks of being in Dr. Strange's territory."

"How do you figure?" Clint asked.

"Because unless I miss my guess, that was a demon hunter."

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Underneath the underneath is the surface**

"Your turn, Blondie," Kakashi announced.

"Does it matter?" Naruto asked curiously.

"What?" Kakashi asked, confused.

"Well, we know each other, so the only new information we could get would have to come from you, and since you've refused to tell us anything but your name, you've reduced this to an effort in futility and the time we've wasted waiting for you to meaninglessness," Naruto explained.

"Maybe I want to learn more about you," Kakashi suggested.

"Anything you learn from us today would already be covered in the briefing folders the academy gave you. I seriously doubt for a minute any of us are going to reveal anything that isn't obvious or fits our public personas, since you have revealed nothing to us to make us trust you."

"Public personas?" Sakura and Sasuke chorused dumbly.

Naruto laughed. "See?! They won't even admit to having them and I'm only free to because I needed to take last in class so ANBU wouldn't have to deal with so many assassination attempts. Hell, most of the students maintain theirs even when they're at home with few errors. Shikamaru let his slip a couple of times as a complicated double bluff to cover his arranging of teams this year. His motto is: 'Everyone is assumed to be guilty, so it's best to make people believe you're guilty of a small crime so they don't go poking around for bigger crimes to pin on you.'"

"Really?" Kakashi asked, stunned. If Naruto was telling the truth, then his entire class had been treating the academy like a deep cover assignment!

"Oh yeah. I suppose I'll have to go first and extend a little trust, since that's really the only way this setup makes sense. I share trust, you reciprocate, and we slowly reveal more and more as time goes by. I'll warn you ahead of time though, Sakura and Sasuke haven't let their masks slip once, even at home, so until you get them to trust you don't expect them to show you anything except what's on the surface."

Naruto stood up and stretched. "Ok, one quick demonstration and then you have to reveal something important about yourself, like your bingo book entry and a little something behind it." Taking out a pair of kunai, Naruto strung them with ninja wire and made a handsign, creating a pair of shadow clones. "Now watch carefully," the three Narutos warned before flipping through the three signs needed to make illusionary clones, tripling the number of Narutos once more. "Three real and six fake, excuse the obvious handsigns for the illusionary clones, I know I need to work on my chakra control," he said, embarrassed.

"Now behold!" they announced in chorus. "The Two-Naughty-Girls-Deserved-to-be-Punished technique!" Nine sets of kunai tied with ninja wire flew in all directions, making the rest of team seven hit the deck, but trapping two female figures who faded into view, wired to the roof.

Ino laughed. "You are getting far too good at tying me down."

"I get a lot of practice," Naruto smirked.

"Then maybe I should take a turn tying you down," Ino suggested before smoothly switching places with the Naruto standing above her, leaving her free and him tied up.

"I'm just a clone. You know that, right?"

"Sure, but you know my motto!"

"Shadow clones mean never having to say 'we need to see a doctor about this," the group chorused.

The other girl who was tied up was a Hyuuga, with a grin on her face, but though she looked a bit like Hinata, it was obvious she wasn't her.

"Who are you?" Sakura asked, surprised for some reason that it wasn't Hinata.

"Hanabi, obviously." The girl smirked, seemingly at home tied down like she was.

"Naruto, you pervert!" Sakura yelled. "Hinata's little sister is only nine years old!"

Hanabi giggled and slipped out of her bonds and jacket, showing she looked much more mature than Sakura. "They're good! I haven't seen them break cover... ever!"

"Told ya!" Naruto grinned. "Hanabi is the older sister and Hinata is the younger one. They switched places because Hinata has a crush on me and wanted to prove she was a big girl, just like her older sister, but..."

Naruto was interrupted by Hanabi, "If you make one more loli-gagging joke, I'll hit you so hard the original will pop out of sympathy!"

"Awww, but I was sure I could make them break cover with that joke!" Naruto protested.

"Well try bad jokes that don't involve sex acts with my little sister," Hanabi suggested. "They are in poor taste and if they get back to her they'd either hurt her feelings or encourage her to try things she simply isn't ready for."

Naruto nodded. "Good point. Still don't know how she got fixated on me though; I always thought she'd end up with Konohamaru."

"You made time for her, encouraged her, and generally treated her like she was your own child, so I'm thinking it's something like an Electra complex," Hanabi responded.

Naruto shrugged. "I guess I should skip the 'I'm pleased with you, daughter' speech I had planned then. I was kinda hoping that would calm her down, because lately she's been increasing the size of the breasts on her henge to get my attention and it's getting a bit unbelievable."

Hanabi nodded. "A wise decision. I'll have a talk with her about her henge. Now, I believe I was promised a private dinner." Naruto scooped Hanabi up and vanished in a swirl of leaves.

Ino, who'd watched the discussion with amusement, sat on a still tied down Naruto. "What a good idea," she remarked and vanished with her seat.

One of the remaining Narutos looked around. "Will the real Naruto please stand up?"

"We've forgotten who the original is again, haven't we?" one asked.

"Nah, Hanabi likes spending time with the original, so I think we're all clones."

"I thought six of you were illusions," Kakashi mentioned.

"Nah, that was just a trick to fool the girls. I'd never have caught them if they'd known all the kunai and wire sets were real."

"The Byakugan should have seen right through that deception," Sasuke pointed out.

"Yeah, but Hanabi knows that unless the situation is serious then it's best not to use your bloodline so you don't become dependent on it. A true ninja does not become dependent on any one tool, but of course you already knew that."

Sasuke nodded while thinking, "I did?"

Inwardly Naruto was laughing his head off. Sure, training the entire class except for Sasuke and Sakura to be deep cover operatives was a bit excessive, but he'd have his two teammates going nuts trying to pretend they were more than they were, while pretending they weren't, until they woke up and realized what was going on.

The Hanabi/Hinata switch was a bit weird, but since she hadn't been awake in a loop yet he wasn't worried about it. 'Was that thunder?' Naruto thought to himself.

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Scenes I'd have liked to see**

"He should be expelled!" Snape hissed.

"Harry, do you have anything to say for yourself?" Dumbledore asked.

"What possible excuse could he have?" Snape demanded. "You can't cover up attempted murder among the students!"

"I agree, we should call in the aurors," Harry said, neither upset nor showing any signs of guilt.

"Expecting your fan club and celebrity status to keep you out of trouble, Potter?" Snape demanded.

"No, I expect the fact that I was defending myself against an Unforgivable with an unknown spell should be more than enough evidence for me to get him put behind bars where he belongs."

"What?!" Snape shrieked.

"I didn't stutter," Harry said calmly. "And I already sent for the aurors. You two may have some twisted world view where anyone who attacks me is perfectly innocent and it's completely acceptable behavior, but I and the law don't agree. I've been trying to figure out what that spell did for a couple of days before Malfoy tried to crucio me, so it sprang to mind and I used it."

"You have no proof!" Snape exclaimed.

"I'll offer pensieve memory and testimony under veritaserum," Harry replied. "I can place him at a few crime scenes that should encourage the proper attitude to the little shit and with my testimony we can finally put him away. I don't know why you two seem bound and determined to protect him and I don't care. I'm going to request he be kissed and the ministry owes me, so go say goodbye to him because the Malfoy line is ending today!"

"He's in here," Harry said, leading the aurors to the school infirmary.

"What are you doing here?" Madame Pomphrey demanded, still upset at Harry over the wounds he'd inflicted on a fellow classmate.

"Insuring Malfoy doesn't escape justice," Harry replied, stepping aside to let the two red robed aurors in.

"Haven't you done enough to him?" she demanded.

"I intend to see him dead," Harry said bluntly, shocking the school mediwitch.

"Don't you feel the slightest bit of shame?!" Madame Pomphrey demanded.

"You mean do I feel the slightest bit of shame that a pure blood bigot who has insulted and slandered me and my friends when he wasn't trying to injure or kill us for the last five years was seriously injured when I defended myself from him trying to cast the cruciatus curse on me?!"

Everyone fell silent.

"I feel ashamed he's still alive and so are all the adults who supported and encouraged his behavior by their actions. How's Katie, by the way? Or does she not matter because she isn't a rich, pure blood bigot who wants others dead?"

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	12. Chapter 12

**The End is the Beginning**

"I have to do this!" Dawn shouted over the sounds of battle and the roar of the portal. "Don't try to stop me!"

"I -" Xander saw the rip in reality slowly expand and he sighed. "You have my word, but give me a hug first."

Dawn paused. She was hurt, bleeding, and scared, but she knew what she had to do. "You'd lie in a heartbeat to save me."

"Yes, I would," Xander agreed. "Hell, I'd do a lot more than just lie if that's what it took, but look behind you. Stopping you from jumping won't save your life, it'll just doom everyone else as well."

"Oh, ok," Dawn said slowly. "One hug, no tricks."

He met her half way and wrapped his arms around her tightly, feeling her shake against him. "I said I wouldn't stop you and I won't, but do you really think I'd let you go alone?"

"What?" Dawn asked.

"We'll go together," he said softly.

"You don't have to do this."

"Dawn, you know me. The only thing I can't do, is let you go through this alone."

"Can - Can I get a real kiss first?" she asked. He didn't even hesitate as he brought his lips down on hers and it was nearly a minute before they'd finished. "Wow," she muttered, collapsing against his chest.

"Time to fly," Xander said, giving her one last squeeze before taking her hand and leading her to the edge.

"I love you," Dawn said, realizing this was her last chance to tell him.

"I love you too," he replied, both of them knowing he meant it differently than she did, and neither caring.

Hand in hand, they leapt into the portal, closing the portal and vanishing from Sunnydale forevermore.

"No!" Glory screamed.

An enraged Buffy tore into the hellgoddess, whose skull turned out to be softer than a troll hammer.

* * *

Anya moved away and eventually fell in love again and married. She had twin girls who she named Alexis and Anya.

Buffy fell into a depression that worried her friends, but it was a drunk driver who claimed her life several months later, destroying the First Evil's plans before they could begin.

* * *

"... and this is my sister Dawn," Buffy said.

***WHAM!***

Xander found himself wrapped in twelve year old brunette.

"Dawn!" Buffy yelled and tried to pry her loose.

"Dibs!" the young girl replied, resisting all efforts to remove her.

"Dibs?" Xander asked, amused.

"Yup, dibs," she assured him, ignoring her sister. "I don't believe in beating around the bush or taking the chance that someone else will grab you first."

"And the age difference?" he asked.

"Older men are always trying to nab younger girlfriends, you're just beating the rush."

"A persuasive argument," Xander admitted, amused. "But what about maturity level and shared interests?"

"I can put up with your juvenile behavior until you mature a little," she allowed. "As for shared interests... In Star Wars, do you really think George Lucas planned for Vader to be Luke and Leia's father?"

"You've got a point there," Xander said as the two got into a discussion on the changes introduced into the series with Dawn guiding him like a horse until he sat down in an armchair with Dawn on his lap.

"She really called dibs?" Joyce asked amused when Buffy called her in.

"And jumped him!" Buffy complained.

"She's geeking out with him," Willow said in shock.

"Did you already call dibs on him?" Joyce asked.

"No," Buffy admitted, "but Willow's known him forever!"

"Unless Willow is going to call dibs herself, I'm afraid there is little I can do," Joyce said mock seriously, relieved that Dawn was over the depression she'd fallen into when she and Hank had their divorce.

"Um...dibs?" Willow said, blushing bright red.

"Already called, sorry," Dawn said.

"I ... called dibs a week ago," Willow said a little more strongly. "Ask Buffy."

"She did," Buffy agreed.

"Did you hear this calling of dibs?" Dawn asked Xander.

"Can't say that I did," Xander said, shaking his head.

"Well, I did," Willow said, "on the first day of school when Buffy was New Girl."

"Oh!" Dawn and Xander chorused, Xander knowing enough about female protocol to know Willow was serious.

"For dibs to count you have to let the person know when it's called," Dawn said. "But I suppose I can share."

"That's very big of you," Joyce said, wondering if she was ever this young, as she took in Willow's heavy blush and Xander's pole-axed expression.

"First hour's mine, to my room!" Dawn ordered Xander. "Up the stairs, furthest on the left," she directed him, figuring it'd give him a little time to regroup.

Xander quickly fled with Dawn, unsure of how to handle recent events.

"Oh my god!" Willow exclaimed when Dawn's door shut. "I let him know I like him."

"Calm, deep breaths!" Buffy ordered.

"Haven't told him before?" Joyce asked.

"I - I've been too shy," she admitted.

* * *

"Bed," Dawn ordered.

"I - I - I," Xander trailed off, collapsing on Dawn's bed.

"You are needlessly complicating it," Dawn said gently.

"I am?" he asked.

"Yes," Dawn promised. "Now, let girlfriend Dawn calm your fears."

"Girlfriend Dawn?"

"You did not contest the dibs in time," she said, "so accept your fate. Now, as I was saying, Willow wants to date you because of two reasons intersecting. One, she loves you and two she's hot for your bod. The people who you care for and desire are the ones to date. Now, unless she's the kind of jerk who would shun you if it turns out dating just isn't working or you are, you'll both be fine."

"B-but I don't think of her like that!" Xander protested.

"So you didn't think she has a beautiful smile, an adorable heart-shaped face; and soft, smooth skin with the cutest freckles?" Dawn asked.

"She does have that..." Xander admitted.

"And you've never thought of her lying naked -"

* * *

"Wow!" Buffy said as Xander's whimper was audible over the intercom in Dawn's room. "After hearing a scene like that I'm almost tempted to date you."

"See?" Dawn continued. "You have a thing for yon red head and she is obviously smitten with you, not some rich boy or sport star, but an alpha geek who would do nearly anything for her."

"How do you know all this?" Xander asked, not denying a thing.

"Well, either I am a gifted psychic, got sent back in time, or I am just that awesome," Dawn said smugly. "And next week's winning lottery numbers are 6, 18, 26, 42, 56, 57, and 9."

Xander's relieved laugh took a lot of tension out of those listening. "Most girlfriends wouldn't try to get their boyfriends another girl," he said.

"You aren't attracted to underage girls with no breasts to speak of," Dawn replied. "So I have some years to kill before I can put in a real claim, but Willow should be willing to share if I help make her dreams come true."

***click***

Joyce shut off the intercom. "You shouldn't spy on your sister."

"Did you write down the lottery numbers?" Buffy asked.

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	13. Chapter 13

**The Old Ball Game**

Xander had known this meeting was inevitable, and as the head of the North American branch of the NWASC it was his call as to how to handle things. He leaned back in his chair, put his feet on his desk and waited. It was less than a minute later when an armored man flew in through the window shattering the glass and the door to his office was turned into splinters by the combination of a large green fist and an enchanted hammer. He simply crossed his arms and waited while his office was invaded by the whole of the Avengers.

"Don't even think of moving!" Iron Man ordered, holding up a palm with a glowing circle on it.

Xander simply scratched under his eyepatch with his middle finger, making Hawkeye snicker.

"Hold your position," Captain America ordered as he tapped a button on his headset. "It's clear," he reported.

"Fury has bitten off more than he can chew," Xander warned.

"Like I'd listen to someone who enslaves young girls," Iron Man snorted.

Xander yawned deliberately, angering the people around him. "Old news from a defunct organization that we replaced, but then it's easier to manipulate people when you feed them half truths. Fury ready to come in yet, or do we have to wait some more?"

"I'm here," Fury said. "And, you're much too calm for a man in your position."

Xander raised an eyebrow. "My position? You mean being threatened by the latest group of thugs from the government who think might makes right?"

"I mean being the head of an organization responsible for the kidnapping and murder of countless young girls," Fury said smugly. "Your license to operate in the US is being revoked, and the girls will do more good working with us than they ever would under your care."

"If he'd worn a white eyepatch, they'd be reverse images of each-other," Iron Man quipped.

"It's after Labor Day," Xander replied. "And, Nicky here is about to receive some bad news concerning his attempted kidnappings."

Nick Fury frowned and touched a finger to his earbud as he heard the reports. "Where did they go?" he demanded.

"Anywhere but here," Xander replied, taking his feet off his desk and sitting up.

"I thought they were under visual surveillance," Captain America said.

"Illusions," Xander replied. "Had a couple of mages throw up some quick illusions so the girls could pack. You aren't getting your hands on any of my girls," he said smugly.

***CRASH!***

The air vent in the ceiling was kicked out and a red-haired woman dressed in black leather and wielding a short sword in each hand dropped onto Xander's desk, glaring around furiously.

"Vi?" Xander asked.

"Yeah?" she replied absently.

"Didn't I order you to leave?"

"Yeah, but then I remembered a couple of things," she replied with a grin.

"I'm going to regret asking, aren't I?" Xander said with a sigh.

"If she'd been enslaved, I can't tell," the Black Widow spoke up, having slipped behind Xander some time ago.

"Enslaved?" Vi asked.

"Kidnapped and enslaved by the evil Council," Xander explained.

"I thought all those guys were dead."

"They are," Xander assured her. "Cyclops here told them about Travers' bunch, leaving out the fact that they were all killed."

"And, I suppose your group is different, right?" Fury asked sarcastically.

Vi laughed. "He doesn't know anything, does he?"

"Not really," Xander agreed. "Avoid educating him, please."

"Fine, but do you recall what you said when Buffy visited last time?"

"I said a lot of things that week," he admitted.

"You said, and I quote, 'Yes she is allowed to one-night stand me. Save me from a god and you can one-night stand me too!'."

"You're challenging me so you can sleep with him?" Thor asked, catching on before anyone else.

"He's a hard man to pin down, and a warrior has needs," Vi said.

Thor nodded. "I yield."

Everyone turned to stare at him.

"I am hardly needed in this battle," he explained. "And, a warrior doth have needs. Asgardians are many things, but one thing we are not are cockblockers."

Xander chuckled and pulled off his eyepatch, revealing a heavily scarred and empty eye socket. "Put this on," he ordered.

Vi sheathed her swords with an ease that spoke of long practice and high skill. "Sure," she said, accepting the eyepatch and putting it on. "But why?"

"Now, look at Fury and tell him he's a lousy dancer," Xander ordered, ignoring the question.

"You're a lousy dancer," Vi told Fury, vanishing with a pop.

"What just happened?" Iron Man asked.

"I sent Vi to my evac point," Xander replied.

"With an eyepatch?" Iron Man asked.

"Yep."

"This changes nothing," Fury said. "It doesn't matter where you hide them, we'll find them."

"They're applying for citizenship wherever they've gone," Xander replied. "And, unlike the US, most countries know not to interfere so, any actions against them would be considered an act of war."

"What are we missing here?" Hawkeye asked. "This was supposed to be a simple op. We catch the bad guy, free a bunch of trained agents, and see who wants to join up."

"Actually, it would be you attack the people who have been defending you, and forcibly enlist my girls," Xander explained.

"So, this was just a power grab?" Iron Man asked Fury.

"The Watcher's Council is a centuries old organization that systematically kidnapped young women and disposes of them at eighteen, if they haven't died already," Fury said.

"Except, all those people are dead," Xander said. "The organization I belong to took over after they got blown up. Anyway, this is the last time you'll be seeing us because, 'Three strikes and you're out!' and this was the government's third strike. As of today, the NWASC is withdrawing from the USA."

"And, exactly what did you do here?" Captain America asked.

"We kept the gates of hell closed and the world spinning," Xander replied.

Iron Man snorted. "Like anyone would believe..." He looked at Fury and trailed off. Fury looked seriously shaken.

"You would abandon your duty?" Thor asked quietly.

"My duty is to the girls," Xander said. "Saving the world is just a side-effect. First and foremost, my duty is to ensure they live long and happy lives despite their Calling."

Thor nodded, satisfied.

"What was the whole thing about Travers' group and Three Strikes?" Iron Man asked.

"The Council, which was filled with a bunch of rich, old-school, old money types was killed in a massive explosion caused by agents of the First Evil," Xander lectured like he'd given this speech dozens of times before. "Following the Slayer Prime, we defeated the First Evil and permanently closed the Sunnydale Hellmouth, activating Slayers all over the world. Supporting the Slayer Prime was easy for a small group, but with so many slayers to support, we needed the Council back."

"I thought the Council was a bad thing?" Hawkeye asked.

"So we formed a new Council," Xander continued, ignoring the archer. "Except, where before it was a bunch of old bastards who considered the girls nothing more than disposable weapons, it was now composed of the Watchers who were fired for thinking otherwise and the Slayers themselves which outnumber the Watchers by a fair margin. The enslaved girls you were told of are in fact in charge of the asylum this time around."

"And, how did you get involved?" Captain America asked.

"One of my friends in high school was a Slayer, so naturally I started helping her. I ended up in charge of this region because the Slayers requested me. Personally, I think they wanted to put me behind a desk to keep me safe, but that's neither here nor there."

"Why was this strike three?" Fury asked, having recovered and looking for ways to run damage control.

"Strike One was the Demon Research Initiative which attempted to murder my friend the Slayer. Strike Two was… Well, it's a tossup between Weapon-X, which kidnapped a Slayer thinking she was a mutant, and a recent attempt by one of your generals to wipe out the 'foreign army' on American soil. Accidentally kidnapping a Slayer isn't a strike, but trying to wipe them out certainly is. Strike Three of course is this organized assault intended to enslave my Slayers."

"Enslave?" Captain America asked. "Son, we aren't enslaving anyone, just offering a choice to enlist once we freed them from who we thought had enslaved them."

"Forced enlistment in the US military counts as enslavement," Xander said flatly.

"You're drafting them?" Iron Man asked Fury.

"A four year term so we could be sure they were stable and trained to handle their new abilities," Fury admitted. "Untrained superhumans that were mentally and emotionally unstable due to whatever horrors they'd gone through was not something we were prepared to release on the general population."

"Military indoctrination and therapy with military shrinks with an agenda," Xander said. "The heaviest chains are the ones in the mind."

"We weren't going to brainwash them," Fury growled.

"Yes you were," Xander argued. "Only you'd call it counter-brainwashing or military indoctrination or some crap like that."

"A Counter Indoctrination course would be mandated to prevent reoccurrences caused by previous hardships," Iron Man read as Jarvis, his suit's AI, hacked the S.H.I.E.L.D. mainframe.

"It was not our intention to kidnap and brainwash them, just free them of outside influence and make our side look attractive," Fury said firmly.

Xander nodded. "It's a moot point anyway. There is a gateway to Hell under Cleveland. You may want to guard that because, if you allow it to open, the governments of the rest of the world are prepared to nuke you. Have a nice day!" He stood up and began to walk out, Thor and Iron Man moving aside.

"You're letting him go?" Captain America asked.

"He's not the one at fault," Iron Man said.

**AN: Typing by Lucillia! **


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: Scenes from Copycat that I decided not to use.**

**A shocking amount of power with no responsibility**

Xander left the convenience store with a super-sized Slurpee and a jumbo corn dog, just in time to step into a battle zone. A group of four teens in colored outfits and silver moon boots were fighting a man in a padded yellow outfit that covered him from head to toe, and who was flinging bolts of electricity around.

"Stay behind me," a blonde, pigtailed girl ordered the oldest of them. "He can't touch me." A thrown bolt was returned, transformed into several softball sized balls of electricity that the man in yellow was forced to dodge.

It took Xander a moment to recognize them as Power Pack and Shocker, because Power Pack was a little older than they were when he'd seen them last and Shocker - "Good god, what sofa did you skin to make that outfit?" Xander demanded.

"What?!" Shocker objected, breaking off fighting the teens for the moment.

Xander took a bite of his corn dog and a sip of his Slurpee. "Your outfit looks like you took a knife to a color blind grandma's sofa."

"Get out of here!" G-force ordered. "He throws lightning!"

"I'm related to Thor," Xander replied. "The most he can do is annoy me."

"We'll see about that," Shocker declared before powering up an enormous blast, that Xander simply leaned out of the way of to dodge, as he did also for the next several follow-ups. "It's like trying to hit Spider-Man!" Shocker complained.

"I'm related to her too," Xander said, trying not to laugh at his earlier prank.

"Like I believe-" Shocker began when Xander raised his right arm and covered Shocker's face in webbing. Muffled cursing and wild struggles did nothing to free him, so Xander quickly covered him in webbing.

"Spider-Man is a man!" Lightspeed said fiercely, the young woman's crush readily apparent.

"Yeah, but he's playing a prank on J.J. at The Daily Bugle," Xander said, as they all quickly left the scene before the police could arrive.

"Seriously?" G-force asked.

"Yep," Xander agreed.

"Do you know where he is?" Lightspeed asked.

Xander considered whether setting Julie on Peter would be funny or not and had to suppress his grin. "Peter Parker at the Bugle has a sixth sense for catching Spider-Man in action."

"Doesn't he sell photos that make Spider-Man look bad?" she demanded.

"J.J. buys and chooses the pics," Xander explained. "Parker is also the one who sells the photos that clear Spider-Man's name time and time again."

He knew he should feel at least a little guilty for pranking Spider-Man, but he didn't.

Besides, Peter liked red heads, right?

**Poker Hands**

Thurston sipped his martini and studied his opponent for tells. "I'm a mite dry, Lovey, can I get a refill?"

"Of course, dear," his wife replied, looking up from the book she was reading and ringing a small silver bell.

A gorilla in a red vest lumbered up, carrying a tray with a fresh martini on it. Thurston switched the glasses himself and slipped a hundred dollar bill into the gorilla's vest pocket. The gorilla vanished back into the brush.

"What is a gorilla going to do with a hundred dollar bill?" Cyborg asked.

"I believe they pay Gilligan to mix them drinks," Thurston replied.

"You could just cut out the middle man and pay Gilligan to mix your drinks," Mike suggested.

"That'd be horrible for the island's economy," the millionaire replied. "Besides, Gilligan couldn't mix a decent dry martini if his life depended on it. The drinks the gorillas make are far superior. I suspect that's because the apes have a superior source of gin to my own limited stock, but I haven't asked."

"Where could they possibly get gin?" Cyborg asked.

"They could be buying supplies from the head-hunters a couple of isles over, or discovered the secret of making fantastic gin themselves," Thurston said, unconcerned. "The end result is what I enjoy."

"What does Gilligan do with the money?" Cyborg asked.

"I'm not sure," he replied. "I think he's sponsored an entire village in Africa. He's a goodhearted lad."

Copycat laid his cards on the table. "Small straight."

Cyborg laid his down as well. "Flush, baby! Read 'em and weep!"

"Royal flush," Thurston replied, smugly laying his cards down.

"But the odds!" Cyborg replied, shocked.

"Count cards and calculate the odds?" Thurston asked, amused.

"Kinda hard not to," Cyborg admitted, tapping his metal cranium.

"The odds tell you nothing of the human variables. Knowing what cards the other players will try for adds a whole new level to card counting and figuring the odds," he lectured.

"I've been finding that out," Cyborg admitted as he thought of some of his most recent fights where he'd exceeded what should have been his mathematically calculated limits.

"You'd have to be incredibly skilled at reading people," Copycat said.

"A dozen hands shows me a lot more about you than you know," the older man said with a grin. "You, for instance, will try to make a straight even when it is a bust, out of a strange sense of loyalty."

"If you commit to something, you should stick with it," Copycat said with a shrug.

"And despite your card counting, you will buck the odds at times and win," he said approvingly.

"Logic isn't always accurate. Sometimes you have to follow your gut," Cyborg admitted.

**Not a gunslinger**

"I wonder if I could copy the Professor's ability to turn fruit into damn near anything via applied science," Mike said absently, feeling a little light headed from the coconut based drinks they'd all been drinking.

"I wouldn't," Gilligan warned.

"Why not?"

"You've said bad things happen if you hit power overload, right?"

"Yeah," Mike replied thoughtfully. "But... is he that powerful?"

"More than you'd believe," the dark haired sailor replied.

"I've met gods before," Mike said absently, "and me and the Professor have discussed the possibility that you guys are forming a new pantheon."

"Did I ever tell you how I met everyone?" Gilligan asked out of left field.

"I thought you met when they signed up for a tour."

"Marry Ann," he said, gesturing to where the former Kansas farm girl was teaching the Hulu to Rhaine and Illyana, "grew up on a farm right next to mine. She was even more of a tomboy when she was younger."

Copycat nodded, smiling at the affection in Gilligan's voice for the Kansas farm girl.

"Ginger was a senior in high school where I was a freshman, and man, you should have seen her act in those school plays. She had a huge crush on Marilyn Monroe, but nobody ever commented on it, even back in the day."

"I could see that," Copycat agreed. "Why have they never mentioned coming from the same home town?"

"They don't remember," Gilligan said with a shrug, unconcerned.

"The Skipper and the Professor?" Copycat asked intently.

"The coach of our high school football team, back when being on the team meant you were expected to be a good man as well as a good player, and my science teacher."

"The Howells would be either your grandparents or a couple you wish were," Mike said slowly.

"My grandparents died when I was young," Gilligan admitted. "The Howells were a kindly old couple who always had time for a clumsy, autistic kid who would black out for an hour and stare at nothing several times a day."

"The castaways are your friends," Copycat said softly, trying to put the pieces together.

"Now, I have a question for you," Gilligan said. "If you had the choice between your world and your friends, which would you save?"

Before copycat could answer, Gilligan held up a hand. "Don't answer until you're ready to leave. Think about it for a while."

"Ok," Copycat agreed.

"Well?" Gilligan asked curiously as everyone gathered to say their goodbyes.

"While I'd like to save my friends, all of them would agree the world comes first," Copycat admitted.

"I understand," Gilligan agreed. "My mind didn't quite work that way at the time."

"Something happened," Copycat realized, "and you were given a choice between your world and your friends."

"Yeah," Gilligan agreed with a far off look in his eye.

"You were autistic at the time?"

"A lot has changed since then," Gilligan admitted.

"And what was your answer?" Copycat asked, breaking out in goose-bumps.

Gilligan tilted his head and looked over at the group for a moment before smiling softly and replying, "My world is my friends."

"Good answer," Copycat agreed, looking over at them as well.

"There is power in being the last, in being the one," he explained. "It can't be copied. I'll see you next time," he said, giving Mike a punch in the shoulder and heading off down the beach. Mike didn't blame him, Gilligan hated goodbyes.

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Always a Bridesmaid**

"You know what I wish?" Cordelia asked, Anya's necklace dangling from her hands.

"What?" Anya asked eagerly.

"I wish he knew what it was like to be the chosen one," Buffy growled, drawing the attention of the two to where Buffy was getting her things from her locker and talking to Willow.

"Granted!" two voices rang out, Anya's and another student's, before their faces transformed into demonic visages and they vanished in a burst of light.

The three female Scoobs looked at one another before running off to question Giles about what had just happened.

* * *

Xander stopped and looked around the gym. It was supposed to be empty, except for him, who the coach had assigned to clean up the scattered sports gear while everyone was out on the field, but he felt like he was being watched. Shaking it off as Hellmouth paranoia, he headed for the bleachers to clean the trash out from under them.

"Catch," a British accented voice said, and he turned just in time to see a knife flying at him.

Instinctively, he caught the blade by trapping it between his palms.

"Alexander Lavelle Harris," a rather well-endowed blonde woman with her hair in a bun who was clad in tweed said gravely. "You have a great destiny ahead of you."

Xander blinked, looked at the knife and then at the woman who couldn't have been more than a year or so older than him. "The Slayer's female," Xander said in shock.

"How did you know?" Blue eyes stared at him.

"First tell me why you think I'm the Slayer," Xander said, confused.

"There's a prophesy of a second Slayer, Born on the mouth of Hell, dark hair," she offered.

"We have two Slayers here, one blonde and one brunette," Xander assured her. "Both female."

"Considering this prophesy waxed poetic about your tonker for a couple of lines, it definitely refers to a male," she said firmly, blushing heavily.

"Tonker?" he asked before getting it. "Who wrote that prophesy?!"

"Drucilla the Mad," the woman said cheerfully. "A noted seeress-"

"And, one of the four vampires that made up the Scourge of Europe," Xander said. "Yeah, she has a thing for me, and always calls me Kitten."

"So, you have read the prophesy?"

"No, I've met Dru. Look, I work with the Slayer, both of them in fact. Let's go see Giles and verify your references, because we've had a fake watcher show up just a little while ago and she was a pain."

"Rupert Giles, Buffy Summers' watcher?" she asked excitedly.

"You know Giles?"

"By reputation," she replied. "I've also read his reports, but I saw no mention of an Alex."

"I go by Xander," he explained.

"Oh!" she said wide-eyed as she followed him through the halls.

* * *

Wesley and Giles looked up as the door opened.

"Evie!" Wesley exclaimed in shock.

"It's Miss Crestwood to you," she said with a scowl.

"Did Drusilla make a prophesy about a male Slayer?" Xander asked Giles.

"Yes, she referred to him as Kitten and drifted off into pornographic imagery," Giles admitted. "Of course, Drucilla is known as the Mad Seer for a reason so it's mostly ignored, why?"

"Because Evie threw a knife at my head and I caught it," Xander replied.

"It's tradition," Evie defended before three teenage girls ran into the library and tried to all talk at once.

Giles stuck two fingers in his mouth and whistled loudly enough to hail a taxi in New York. Everyone shut up and clapped their hands over their ears.

"One at a time," Giles ordered. "Buffy?"

"We were putting our stuff away before lunch when I wished that Xander knew what it was like to be me," Buffy said.

"Actually, you wished he knew what it was like to be the Chosen One," Willow corrected.

"Right," the blonde Slayer agreed. "Anyway, two students turned into demons, said 'Granted', and vanished in a burst of light."

"One of them was the new girl Anya," Cordelia said. "She was asking me what I wished would happen to Xander and had me holding a very expensive necklace."

"Vengeance Demons," the three Watchers chorused.

"Vengeance Demons call down vengeance on behalf of those that feel they have been wronged; jilted lovers, abused children, unappreciated employees," Evie explained.

"Who are you?!" Buffy demanded.

"My Watcher," Xander replied, causing all three girls to stare at her in shock.

"You don't get a Watcher, you're male!" Buffy exclaimed.

"I'm the male Slayer, I get a Watcher," Xander replied.

"Male Slayer?!" the three female teens chorused.

"Dru wrote a prophesy about me, Evie threw a knife at my head, hence I'm a Slayer," he explained.

"I'm so sorry," Buffy said, teary-eyed.

"Because I'm more likely to survive longer?"

"Because, being a Slayer is a death sentence," Buffy said, hugging him tightly.

"So's breathing," Xander replied. "No-one lives forever, and the whole 'Slayers are doomed to die young' is getting harder and harder to believe."

"What?!" Buffy pulled back from Xander.

"Kendra died right here!" Willow reminded him.

"She didn't die because she was the Slayer, she died because she was stupid enough to get involved in casting one of the vilest pieces of magic in existence."

"What?!" Willow demanded.

"The curse to ensnare Angelus required a life to balance out ripping one from heaven," Xander replied. "That's why it didn't work the first time you cast it."

"It didn't say anything about that in the notes," Willow protested.

"Everything is about balance," Xander replied. "Even in magic there is no such thing as a free lunch. The cost is always there."

"While I wouldn't have put it in those terms, you are essentially correct," Giles admitted. "A curse like that costs a life."

"What?!" Willow paled. "Why didn't you say anything?!"

"I told you that it was the darkest sort of magic, and that it was extremely dangerous," Giles replied. "You assured me you knew what you were doing."

"I didn't know!" Willow wailed.

"How could you not know?" Giles asked, confused. "When you started to learn magic, I gave you a copy of Grey's Balance and you promised me you'd read it."

"I only skimmed it," the red-haired witch admitted haltingly. "It was all so simplistic and then he started talking about the Wellspring of Life and the wonder of bringing new life into the world, and I thought 'what would a guy know about bringing new life into the world?' so I skipped onto the higher level books."

"Bringing life...Are you somehow deluded enough to believe that women get pregnant without the involvement of men?!" Giles demanded. '"And, of course it was simplistic, it was the very basic facts that everyone should know by heart before casting even the smallest of spells!"

"I-I..." Willow fell silent, realizing how big a mistake she had made.

"You can't compare the feeling of a child growing within you and just having provided some sperm," Buffy argued.

"Women aren't granted any special senses that men lack," Giles said dryly. "And, not being male, you can't claim to know what we feel, so I'll thank you to keep your female chauvinism to yourself."

"Back on topic!" Cordelia ordered. "Buffy made a wish, Xander's going to die!"

"I'm going to die?' Xander asked.

"Being a Slayer means you are going to die," Buffy said solemnly.

"Being alive means you are going to die," Xander replied just as solemnly to mock her. "Being a Slayer means I'll kill a lot more vampires before that occurs."

"Not to be a wet blanked," Evie spoke up. "But, new Slayers usually last less than six months."

"Yeah, but I've been doing this as a normal guy for a bit longer than six months," Xander explained.

"But you weren't a target before," Buffy argued.

"I'm local. To them, I was always a target," he replied. "The fact that I am human makes me a target to them. Hell, I seem to attract more than most people, look at my dating history."

"Why you-" Cordelia began before Buffy restrained her from attacking Xander who seemed oblivious.

"The hot teacher who invited me back to her place turned out to be a giant insect, Ampata turned out to be a mummy," Xander listed off. "Dru has a major thing for me, and to be honest, nearly every vampire I've run into made eyes at my neck."

"Yes, but as a Slayer you'll be a frontline fighter going one on one with them," Evie explained to him gently.

"Been there, done that, and have the bloodstained shirt to prove it," Xander said. "And personally, I'd prefer one on one because I keep running into two or three on one, and not in a good way. All this really means is that I'm not at as large a disadvantage as I normally am."

"Fighting alone is different than fighting with backup," Buffy pointed out.

"That I agree with," Xander said. "Going on doughnut runs is murder. I think the smell of jelly filled attracts them."

"You get attacked while going for doughnuts?" Willow asked quietly.

"It's one of the few places that are open at night," Xander explained. "Vamps tend to lurk around food sources like any predator."

"And you never said anything?!" Buffy exclaimed.

"I thought it was a no-brainer!" Xander said with a shrug. "You send me, the world's biggest vamp bait, out for doughnuts at night. Did you thing vamps avoided me when you weren't around?"

"I didn't think," Buffy cursed herself.

"None of us did," Giles assured her.

"Most of the time, all I needed was a cross to make them back off," Xander waived it off.

"Yes, well, you're a Slayer now and I'm your watcher," Evie spoke up. "I've rented a good-sized place for us, so we should get you moved in and get started on training. The better trained you are, the longer you live, and I plan on you living 'til retirement."

"Move in?!" Cordelia shrieked.

"I was about to ask if you had permission from my parents, but then they once tried to sell me to some Armenians, so they'll probably be happy to sign anything that gets rid of me," Xander said, much to everyone's horror but Willow and Cordelia who knew what his home life was like.

"That's awful," Evie said, laying a hand on Xander's arm.

Xander put his hand over hers and gave her a grateful smile that caused the narrowing of several sets of eyes. "Bribe them with booze and cash and we'll be golden."

Evie led him off. "I've already taken the liberty of signing you out of school for the rest of the day as the movers are scheduled to move everything in after lunch, I hope you don't mind."

"I don't mind at all," Xander said happily before the door closed behind them.

**AN: Typing by Lucillia~ who's name I eventually learned to spell correctly!**


	16. Chapter 16

**ADD/Hyper**

**Monday**

Naruto spent a good half hour after his teammates arrived adjusting the multilayered trap of his own design that targeted exactly where their sensei always appeared.

"What are you doing, dobe?" Sasuke asked, curiously.

"I'm setting a trap," Naruto replied.

"I can see that," Sasuke said, rolling his eyes. "I mean, why are you trying to trap our jounin?"

"We've been a team for over a week now and what has he taught us?"

"I see your point," Sasuke said after a moment's thought. "So what do you hope to accomplish with this?"

"This is just to make a point," Naruto said pulling out three pairs of sunglasses. "For the flash tags," he explained.

"Thanks," Sasuke said.

"If he doesn't get the point, the next trap should get us a temporary instructor while he heals."

"Is this allowed?" Sakura asked uncharacteristically quietly, not wanting to interrupt Sasuke's conversation.

"As the jounin instructor of a genin team, he is responsible for everything we do, so it's literally his own fault," Naruto said with an evil grin.

"Hopefully he'll take the hint," Sasuke said, eyeing the multilayered trap and waiting for Kakashi's arrival.

It was nearly two hours later before Kakashi appeared in a swirl of leaves and immediately had to start ducking and dodging as kunai were launched, flash tags exploded, and several packages of previously prepared materials were launched. It took five minutes for the final trap to trigger, leaving Kakashi blinking spots from his eyes and coated in feathers and glitter that he'd been too slow to dodge. "And what was this about?" Kakashi asked, annoyed.

"I get bored," Naruto said. "Iruka would always give me something new to study to keep me from getting this bored, but it's been over a week and you haven't taught us anything."

"You're learning how to work together," Kakashi said, trying to brush himself off and discovering the glitter and feathers were glued in place.

"No, we aren't," Naruto disagreed. "Sasuke always says what he thinks we should do, Sakura squees and agrees, and I argue because I don't believe 'obey Sasuke' is the name of the game. Our behavior hasn't changed from day one and you have given us no training since day one. Doing chores isn't teaching us anything new. You're supposed to be awesome and know like a thousand techniques, but I've learned more from Mizuki in one day - and he hated me - than from you in an entire week. When are you going to start training us?"

"I am training you," Kakashi disagreed. "You are learning procedures."

"Iruka covered them in class, try again."

"None the less, training will follow my schedule, not yours," Kakashi said firmly. "Now come along, we have D rank missions to complete and I want to finish this book."

"Challenge accepted," Naruto said with a nod.

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Untested / Untrusted**

Kakashi smirked behind his mask, waiting to see how the three would react to his bell test.

"I quit," Naruto said, looking at Kakashi like he was something he found under a rock.

"What?" Kakashi asked, not sure he was hearing correctly.

"Well the only two possibilities are that you're either a traitor like my last teacher, or a lying cocksucker like the dozen before him," the blond haired boy said. "More than likely it's both and I am way past the point of being fed up with dealing with people I can't trust. I'm just going to check with jiji and see if he knows someone who won't lie to me or sabotage me."

"If you leave, you get sent back to the academy," Kakashi warned.

"I'm a genin, I've already passed the academy," Naruto said.

"You don't become a genin until I say you're a genin," Kakashi said. "It's up to the jounin sensei whether you are granted the rank of genin."

"I got a battlefield promotion signed by the Hokage," Naruto said bluntly. "Your opinion doesn't matter. Sorry, you'll have to take out your misplaced anger on some other scapegoat."

"You think I'm doing this to target you?" Kakashi asked.

"Of course not, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto said sarcastically with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "After all, I've never been lied to by a Leaf nin in my life!" The smile dropped away and a pair of very weary blue eyes stared him down. "As far as I'm concerned, you're just another traitor. How big of one is up to jiji to decide."

The three watched silently as Naruto left.

The Hokage appeared in a swirl of leaves and shook his head. "Walk me through it, Hatake."

Kakashi nodded, having expected the Hokage to be watching. "Hai, Hokage-sama. I attempted to give the bell test and Uzumaki quit, believing I was taking out my anger at 'the other' on him."

The Hokage took a puff on his pipe. "Did you bother reading Naruto's file before considering what his response would be?"

"The Mizuki incident?" Kakashi asked. "I heard about it, but as I understand it he handled it well and showed no lasting trauma."

The Hokage sighed. "If you had bothered to read the report... Naruto had one of the people he trusted betray him, attempt to kill him and someone he cared for, as well as revealing something he'd been lied to about his whole life which would have been traumatic all on its own. Now look at your test through his eyes."

"It's not my test," Kakashi tried to excuse himself.

"Are you claiming you give it exactly as your sensei did?" the Hokage asked blandly.

"Well..." Kakashi began.

"Because if so, I would ask why you have dozen failed teams to your name," Sarutobi interrupted.

"None of them passed the test," Kakashi said firmly, feeling that he was on solid ground here.

"Neither did your team," Sarutobi said. "The Fourth gave the test and you failed it. The test was designed to teach you a lesson not to see if you knew it already. He decided he was going to take whatever students he was given and started training you from the first second he met you."

"I ... didn't know," Kakashi admitted.

"I assumed you knew and were simply waiting for the right team to repay what was owed," the Hokage said with a heavy sigh. "It seems we both made mistakes."

Kakashi slumped as the Hokage vanished, cursing himself for being ten kinds of fool.

"Sense," Sakura asked cautiously, "why would the Hokage be interested in Naruto?"

"He's practically adopted him," Kakashi said. "Why is something you'd have to ask him."

"The Hokage mentioned betrayed," Sasuke said, wondering if Naruto could understand Sasuke's life now and not just envy it.

"It's classified," Kakashi said with a sigh.

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Honorable Discharge**

Harry stared at the departing pair, stunned that they'd dismissed his concerns like that. He was used to Ron doubting him, he'd outright betrayed him before, but now Hermione was siding with Ron?! He stepped back into the compartment and sat down.

"Harry, what's wrong?" Neville asked, his hand dropping to his wand as his eyes scanned for danger.

Harry noticed that Luna was also searching for hidden dangers, though she was looking in places he wouldn't have thought to check.

He was grateful the two trusted him, something Ron and Hermione apparently no-longer did. Ignoring the pain that thought brought him, he decided to put his trust in these two. "I've found out enough to know there's a plot afoot involving Malfoy, but Ron and Hermione just dismissed everything I said about it as nonsense."

Neville frowned. "Sure they weren't Imperioed?"

Luna broke in, "No, I would've said if they were, it's easy to see. No, they've started dating and were both made Prefects, but while that should be quite distracting, it shouldn't cause them to behave like that."

Harry sighed. "Maybe they're tired."

"How do you mean?" Neville asked.

"Well, every year we get into Life and Death situations, maybe they're just tired of it and want out?"

"Harry..." Neville looked uncomfortable. "Being your friend is dangerous, but the people who come after you would come after us next anyway, because we can't just stand by and let people be tortured and killed because of blood status."

"Hermione said I have a 'saving people thing', but I guess I'm not the only one." Harry grinned.

"That's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard her say," Luna snorted. "What kind of people would we be if we weren't willing to risk ourselves to save others?"

"I don't know, but if I'm ever like that, I hope someone puts me out of my misery," Neville said, looking a little disgusted at the thought.

"Why weren't you sorted into Gryffindor?" Harry asked Luna curiously.

"Because I confused the Hat," Luna said cheerfully. "And, while Gryffindor is a good choice for me, I'm not very confrontational and I like to think things through first to make sure I'm right before acting."

"Well, I think you'd make a lovely Gryffindor," Harry said, causing Luna to blush.

"True that," Neville agreed.

Luna turned redder at that and tried to change the subject, "Anyway, I have to agree it does sound like Hermione and Ron want a normal school year, but I don't think it's possible. Even if they stop being friends with you, this is Hogwarts and things happen here because it is Hogwarts without Harry's involvement at all."

"Yeah, but they'd be on the outside at least, not in the center with me," Harry pointed out. "And, I have to do what I have to do, and I think the two would get in the way or even try to stop me this time."

Luna and Neville both winced, but didn't argue with him. Ron and Hermione were Prefects now, and Hermione had never been all that comfortable with breaking rules, and they all knew who Ron would side with.

"They still want to be your friends, but they want to avoid the dangers, what will you do?" Neville asked.

"I'll have to break it off with them," Harry said morosely, causing Luna to laugh loudly and Harry to give her a hurt look.

Luna waved her hand to signal that it wasn't what he thought, or maybe to wait a minute while she caught her breath. Clearing her throat and taking several deep breaths, she settled down and grabbed one of Harry's and Neville's hands. "Hermione, Ron, I know we've had a great four years, but I think we should start being friends of other people. It's not you, it's me. I've changed and I just don't think you meet my needs anymore and I didn't want to tell you like this...but, I've been seeing other friends. He's a bit pudgier than Ron, but doesn't eat as much and doesn't suffer from bouts of jealousy. She's a bit more insane than Hermione, but doesn't correct my language or require me to obey the rules nearly so much. Plus, I noticed she was a female right off, the bat. See in older females, the breasts tend to stick out more and give it away."

Harry and Neville were in stitches, rolling around on the ground as Luna did her impression of Harry breaking up with Ron and Hermione when the door opened and Ginny stepped in, took one look at the three, and slowly backed out of the compartment, closing the door behind her and sending the three into gales of laughter. After a couple of minutes, they managed to calm down.

"Yeah, I couldn't see that working, but it'd be funny to try. I'm simply going to have to cut them out of my life so they can have what they want, but I guess it's not all that serious a matter. It's not like I'm dating them or anything or never going to see them again, but I can't explain what's going on, because they'd just get in the way this year and people would be hurt. I have no idea how I'm going to pull it off tho'. Any ideas?"

Luna frowned. "I'm afraid you'll have to quit Quiddich."

Harry nodded. "I was already considering that. I love to fly more than I love the game anyway, and it'd give me more time to prepare for what's coming."

"Yeah, and I could partner up with you in class. That'll let Ron and Hermione spend more time together," Neville suggested.

"And, I can help your research. Hermione isn't fond of me for several reasons, and I've always enjoyed making Ron nervous because of his Loony comments, so that should keep them at a distance while studying," Luna offered.

"Thanks guys, I appreciate the help. I was feeling abandoned for a bit there," Harry admitted. "But they did serve four years with me, just like a military term. I suppose they deserve the rest."

"I'm not sure if the DA is still needed," Neville said. "But the skills it gave us came in handy, so you may want to continue the classes if not the Association."

Harry groaned. "I'm not sure I'll have the time. I suppose I could spare a little time a couple days a week, but the majority of the class would have to be handled by someone else."

"And, you'll need to make sure Ron and Hermione aren't involved in this one, since they want some normalcy so it'll have to be an actual secret this time," Luna pointed out.

"We'll need a much stronger contract then," Neville said thoughtfully. "And, we'll have to rotate smaller groups through at a time. We'd have to take turns teaching, but the hours of casting and correcting others would make us a lot stronger. A Reducto strong enough to shatter shields takes a lot of practice, but uses less magic than an A.K., and a near miss can cause shrapnel damage."

Harry and Luna just stared at Neville until he got nervous and asked, "What?"

"That is both brilliant and something I didn't know," Harry said.

Luna nodded. "I have read about spell familiarity and attunement, but generally it takes the authors talking about them for several chapters and twelve diagrams to get across what you just summed up in a few sentences."

Neville blushed. "I can't take all the credit, my dad left me a notebook that he and mom worked on while in training. My dad wasn't a squib, but he wasn't Dumbledore either so he and mom worked out the best ways to make the most of what you have. Rather than memorizing tons of spells, he had about two dozen he worked on regularly, because if you have enough skill in those, you're set."

Harry and Luna began to smile, making Neville nervous.

"I think we have a new instructor," Harry grinned.

"Two," Luna replied. "Three total, meaning one for each house. It'll make teaching more manageable. Now, who'll take the 'Puffs?"

"I'll do the 'Puffs!" Neville said instantly.

Luna grinned. "One or two maybe, but I think trying to do the whole house would cause you to die of exhaustion."

Harry laughed. "Ok, Neville takes the 'Puffs. I'll take the Ravenclaws, unless you want them."

"No, I don't get enough respect from the other Ravens to make teaching them viable. In fact, I may have the same problem with the Gryffindors," Luna said thoughtfully.

"Polyjuice," Neville said instantly. "We can Polyjuice each-other and let it wear off in class, maybe even do a student who isn't coming occasionally to make them a little more aware."

Harry nodded. "Yeah, I'll have to buy some for us to use."

"I could make some," Luna suggested. "It's really not that hard, it's just a bit time consuming."

"Damn!" Neville exclaimed. "I was thinking the Room of Requirements would be perfect for brewing, but everyone knows about it now, so we'll have to meet somewhere else."

"Not necessarily," Luna said. "Doors don't have to lead to the same place. We've all stepped through doors that decide to go to different destinations before, so why not ask the room to move the door? If that works, we can even gather the students from their rooms when it's time by moving the door there and we can hide the door to the room where people won't think to look for it."

"That's brilliant," Harry said. "If that works, it'll make everything loads easier. We can even use it just for us to study in, if we have something we don't want to share."

Neville grinned. "This is going to be a great year, we've got friends, something important to do, and no more Snape, since I didn't make the cut in Potions."

"Snape isn't the Potions instructor this year," Harry said. "Dumbledore gave him the Defense position."

Neville looked perplexed, and after a minute Luna asked, "What's wrong?"

He sighed. "Well, on the one hand, I will have to put up with Snape and this time he can hex me, but on the other hand, Harry's probably going to destroy either his mind, body, or soul this year, and I think it's body's turn in the rotation and truthfully it'd be worth it just to have him gone."

"Neville," Harry groaned. "I don't go around killing Defense teachers!"

Neville looked at him like he was nuts. "I know that! I said mind, body, AND soul. It's always something new. I've already put five galleons on it being sanity this year, though I'm hoping for something fatal now."

Harry groaned. "It's not my fault the people Dumbledore hires for the position usually have to be dealt with."

"I never said it was," Neville replied. "I'm just saying that you are always involved. Probably cause the curse was cast by You-Know-, I mean V-Voldemort. You are attracted to those situations like it's your destiny."

"Or a very dangerous hobby," Luna tossed in.

**AN: Typing by Lucillia!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Crossover Jabs**

**Kick-Ass / Sky High**

Dave and Mindy sat in the bleachers and watched as the students were sorted into Hero and Sidekick roles by Coach Boomer, an ex-superhero who retired from the life to teach the next generation at Sky High. The reality of the situation was still sinking in for them. Somehow their world had merged in what the local supers were calling a 'crossover-event' with this world of superheroes and villains where they were expected to go to a school specifically for heroes and not just put on costumes and fight crime without training.

"Sidekick!" Boomer announced, sending another hopeful hero into the Hero Support program.

"Dave Lipinski," Boomer called out, finding that a trio of names had been added to his list.

Dave got up and went down, already planning on what he was going to do before Coach Boomer got a chance to drop a car on him. He'd noticed that Boomer had to take a deep breath to use his power, so as long as he was within a couple of feet of him he could easily take him down and toss him under where the car would fall.

"So, crossover kid, eh? What's your power?"

"Don't have one," Dave said, moving close enough to put his plan into action.

"Sidekick," Boomer said quietly, making a note on his clipboard.

Dave nodded and joined the rest of the class.

"Mindy Mcready," Boomer called out.

Mindy was dressed in her civilian clothes with her hair in pigtails, or as Dave liked to put it, she was wearing wool.

"How old are you?" Boomer asked.

"Twelve, I've skipped a couple of grades," she replied innocently.

"Power?"

"None."

"Sidekick," he replied, making a note and waving for her to join the others.

Mindy skipped down to join the class. "So what was your plan?" she asked Dave.

"He has to take a deep breath to use his power," Dave replied. "I get close enough for a throat strike so I could drop a car on him. You?"

"I was going to stab him in the leg as a distraction for a soft take down," she replied.

"That's nice of you," Dave said in surprise. "I thought you'd do something permanent to him."

"I don't think we're allowed to kill teachers," Mindy replied.

"If you can kill them they aren't very good teachers and should be replaced," Dave said, shaking his head.

"Everyone has bad days and a student can always get lucky," Mindy lectured. "That's why there are rules when we train that we don't use while out on the streets."

Dave nodded. "I just expected more from these teachers. I'll be sure to scale it back some."

"Usually it's you talking me out of killing people," Mindy said.

The pair shared a laugh while the rest of the teens stared at them wide eyed.

* * *

"My name is Jonathan Boy," the average looking man in his mid-30s said. "But you all probably know me better as -" He stepped behind a screen and leapt out barely two seconds later in a red, white, and blue outfit wearing a domino mask. "All American Boy!"

Everyone applauded, even Mindy and Dave.

"Now that's a handy skill," Dave said.

"True," Mindy conceded, "but if you master it, then who'll I ogle while I change?"

Dave laughed. "Just wait until you start developing and we'll see if you still want us to change together."

"Are you kidding?" Mindy snorted. "The moment I start developing, I'll be making you measure me 'cause I'll need to adjust my outfit to make sure the Kevlar doesn't bunch up or hang too loose. Not all of us can take damage like you. Between bandages and vapor rub I don't think there's any of me you haven't seen."

"Partners?" Mr. Boy asked knowingly.

"Once I got him trained up a little," Mindy agreed.

The class laughed, but Mr. Boy and the pair knew she was being serious.

"There are times and places where personal modesty just gets in the way," Mr. Boy said. "You can either handle it on a case by case basis, hoping you and the person you're working with are professional enough not to let it get in the way or cause a distraction that can lead to injury or death, or you face the problem head-on like they have and take care of it in advance."

"You guys talk like you're already active heroes," Zack said.

"We are," David said bluntly.

"Or at least, we were until this crossover thing happened," Mindy added.

"Crossover?" Zack asked.

Mr. Boy nodded. "Crossover events are a barely understood phenomenon where our reality merges with another. The crossover may be temporary or permanent, so it's best to prepare for either event. However, several psychics have said they believe this to be a permanent situation."

"Too bad, we liked being the first heroes," Dave said.

"Anti-heroes," Mindy corrected him. "Since we kill scum we're considered anti-heroes rather than just straight heroes."

Boy nodded gravely. "Fortunately our reality seems to be dominant, so you won't need to kill any more. In fact, since you're coming from a non-super universe, you'll likely develop either powers or skills that make handling criminals even easier, to the point where killing them would be like stepping on a cockroach, way too easy."

"How many people have you killed?" the red headed girl with the plant powers asked quietly.

"We haven't killed any people," Mindy said.

"Rapists, your odd drug dealers, and gang members are our targets, not people," Dave said.

"They don't consider them people," Mr. Boy explained. "Dehumanizing the enemy makes it easier for soldiers to kill, much like these two have done."

"When you target grade-schoolers and kids in junior high as part of your M.O., you dehumanize yourself," Mindy replied.

"Fortunately, our world is a lot brighter than their world," Mr. Boy said, "meaning our criminals don't target children and generally stick to dealing with grownups."

Mindy and Dave both perked up at that.

"That's right," Jonathan Boy said happily, "the scum you dealt with previously are very, very rare here if they exist at all."

"Means we don't have to spend near as much time cleaning the gene pool," Mindy said cheerfully.

"I was looking forward to slitting Chris' throat," Dave said with a sigh, "but I guess he doesn't exist here."

"Hi, I'm a new transfer student," a student announced as he came in the door. "Name's DiMarco, Chris DiMarco."

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	20. Chapter 20

**Psi-Jack**

**Halloween**

Xander put the fatigues away, pretty happy about how things had gone. He'd taken all the extras off the costume he'd made for a game of PSI-LORDS and gone as simple, un-awakened PFC Harris. He briefly wondered what it would have been like to have dressed as Alex Harris, AKA Psi-Jack and been him for the night. Angel and Spike would have gone up like roman candles for one, which was good, but that would have led to Willow and Buffy being pissed at him which was bad.

'Alex would probably have turned them into sex slaves rather than listen to them bitch about the Casanova-Corpse too,' Xander thought to himself. 'And that would have been goo-bad, yup definitely bad. I really overdid the id on him.'

Chuckling, he closed the box and stuffed in the back of his closet, just in case he was ever unbanned from the game.

**6 years later**

Andrew stared at Xander, but Xander, who was on some heavy painkillers for his lost eye, didn't notice.

"What's your problem?" Dawn asked harshly, upset over Xander's injury.

"H-he looks like he did that day," Andrew whispered nervously.

"What day?" she asked.

"The day he ended our world," Andrew replied solemnly.

"Xander, did you destroy Andrew's world?" Dawn asked, confused.

Xander blinked and turned to look at her, his remaining eye slightly glassy. "Not that I recall, but then things are a little fuzzy right now."

"Well, Andrew says you did."

"When did I destroy your world?" Xander asked.

"You called it 'the day of the blind'," Andrew reminded him. "We all swore each other to secrecy."

"Oh yeah," Xander smiled a little. "I still have that outfit in a box in my closet. I almost wore it that Halloween we all turned into our outfits."

Andrew looked like he was going to wet himself.

"Ok, now I'm curious," Molly said.

"It was just an RPG tournament," Xander said, shaking his head.

"'Just' he says," Andrew shivered.

"What happened?" Dawn asked.

"He won," Andrew said bluntly, while Xander chuckled.

"You don't win RPGs, you just advance levels for the next one," Molly disagreed.

"He did," Andrew said. "We were all sworn to secrecy on the details and he was banned from playing PSI-LORDS ever again."

"And what about how he looks right now reminds you of that game?" Dawn asked.

"It's the one eye," Xander said. "I saw a flaw in the rules, a major one that no one should have missed, so... I came dressed as my character and..."

"He won the game," Andrew said reverently, "forever!"

"What was the character like?" Molly asked curiously.

"He was called Psi-Jack," Andrew said. "Xander took a huge spread of powers, not focusing on any one."

"The ego cost would have been enormous," Molly said, shaking her head. "He'd have been running the edge of id-iocy."

"id-iocy?" Dawn asked curiously, taking care to pronounce it the same way.

"It's when the id takes over," Andrew explained.

"You mean like the whole 'dark desire' thing?" Dawn asked.

"Exactly," Molly agreed. "PCs who let their id take over become NPCs and would follow either one of two paths."

"They'd either have their ego swell uncontrollably and end up acting like comic book villains with all possible flaws, making them easy to beat," Andrew explained.

"Or have their libido take over, causing a flash orgy with their powers," Molly said with a grin. "It'd last 1d6 weeks until they'd die from exhaustion."

"Which is how the rare PSI genes spread widely enough to cause the PCs to appear," Xander added, chuckling.

Dawn smiled at seeing Xander in a good mood. "Where's the costume?"

"My apartment. Most of my gaming supplies are in my bedroom closet," Xander explained.

"Road trip," Dawn announced. "To Xander's apartment, I'll drive."

"Road trip?" Xander asked curiously as Dawn got him up and they shuffled out the door.

"I wanna see the costume and it's better than sitting around here, moping," Dawn said.

Xander chuckled. "Ok, but you're driving."

"You coming?" Molly asked Andrew.

"N-No!" Andrew stuttered and fled.

* * *

Molly looked around Xander's appointment, noting the plethora of sci-fi and fantasy movies and ... space. There weren't over a dozen girls scattered throughout every room, arguing over everything!

"So where's the costume?" Dawn asked as she helped Xander to the sofa.

"Bedroom closet," Xander replied, waving off to the side. "It's in a blue box."

"Be right back," Dawn promised before disappearing into his bedroom.

"I don't suppose you have an opening for a bed warmer?" Molly asked in her cockney accent as she sat on the couch and pulled one of Xander's arms around her.

"Bed warmer?" he asked, wondering if the pain killers he'd been given caused hallucinations.

"Yeah, you know a girl to warm your bed and help out while you're sick," Molly said hopefully, pressing her breasts against his side.

"I - Aren't you a tad under-aged?" Xander asked fuzzily.

"Is there any guarantees I'm going to get a chance to live to get older? Molly asked, swinging a leg over to straddle him. "Please don't let me die a virgin."

Dawn returned just in time to catch the final line before Molly's hips descended on Xander's. "You bitch!" she exclaimed, pulling Molly off. "I got dibs, you agreed to go second!"

Xander watched silently as the two girls fought, shedding clothes as they rolled around on his living room floor. 'I must be dreaming. Things like this don't happen in real life.'

* * *

"Must you?" Janus asked dryly, while the face on the back of his head snickered.

"Of course," Venus said with a smirk as she sprinkled a glowing pink powder in the viewing pool. "The blood of the key may be enough to recharge the outfit, but by sacrificing two virgins as well..."

"Seems a bit of a downer," Janus said with a pair of frowns.

"Not that kind of sacrifice," Venus promised. "Just watch."

* * *

Xander lay flat on the floor, his missing eye completely forgotten, a naked girl on either side of him. "I'm pretty sure Buffy is going to kill me," he said conversationally.

"She's fucking a guy older than dirt," Dawn said with a purr. "She can't say anything."

"I'm still applying for that bed warming job," Molly said with a grin.

"I thought that was so you didn't die a virgin," Xander said humming 'I'll Stop the World and Melt With You.'

"Yeah, well now it's so I don't die an inexperienced young woman," Molly said with a smirk.

"Better be a bed big enough for three then," Dawn said, nibbling on the side of Xander's neck.

"At least I'll die happy and not just with one," he teased.

"Good, now let's see about the costumes," Dawn said, "and then a shower."

"Costumes?" Xander and Molly chorused.

"Yeah, I found a couple of female costumes in the closet," Dawn explained.

"Anya was big into role-play, but didn't really get the purpose behind it," the one eyed man explained.

"Well, she has a Princess Leia metal bikini in there that I call dibs on," Dawn said.

"Anything that would work for me?" Molly asked.

"There's enough red in your hair to pull off a decent Jean Grey," Xander suggested. "That way we're all dressed as PSIs. Why are we doing this again?"

"To mess with Andrew," Dawn replied.

"Works for me."

* * *

Everyone in the Summers' house grabbed their heads and groaned, dropping whatever they were doing as they all simultaneously experienced the worst headache they'd ever had.

"Is everyone alright?" Buffy asked, as she'd recovered quicker than nearly everyone but Faith - who was checking Robin to make sure he was Ok.

"Feels like something kicked me in the brain," Spike said, holding his head.

"Psychic shock," Giles said. "Doesn't feel like death shock, thank goodness, but more like something just awoke."

"Well they need a better alarm clock, 'cause that would wake the dead and I should know," Spike said.

"That wasn't good," Willow said, as she stumbled downstairs, bleeding from her nose and ears.

"We need to find out what did that and we need to find out now," Buffy said. "The first has enough weapons without it being able to knock us all down at will."

"That wasn't The First," Willow said as Kennedy gave her a damp washcloth to clean the blood off her face.

"It was a PSI-smic event," Andrew said, trying to clean the blood out of his ears, having been hit just as hard as Willow.

"What?" Buffy asked.

"An extremely powerful PSI just went active," Andrew explained. "The more powerful a PSI's gifts, the further the psychic shock wave can be felt. Those with stronger PSI abilities are hit harder than most people."

"How the bleeding hell did I feel it then?" Spike complained.

"Vamps share a psychic link with their line, also known as a kinder bond, even if they aren't gifted psychically," Giles explained.

"And us potentials?" Kennedy asked.

"The Slayer has a number of gifts, each potential would share ... a potential for them," Andrew said. "Everyone here has some gifts."

"Well I'd like to return mine, it's a pain in the ass," one of the potentials muttered.

"Where are Dawn and Xander?" Buffy asked, doing a headcount and coming up short.

"They went to his place to look at a costume of his," Andrew offered.

"I'll call and see if they were hit," Willow said, grabbing the phone. Buffy and Faith passed out water and pain killers for everyone, while Willow talked to Xander. "Dawn said as soon as they get a hot shower and put on some clothes they'll be right over," Willow announced, accepting a couple of Bayer and a glass of water from Faith.

"They're naked?" Kennedy asked.

"Xander's in pretty bad condition," Buffy said sadly. "Dawn is probably helping him shower."

"And you're not worried he'll take advantage of her?" Wood asked, a bit of principal leaking through.

"He just got an eye gouged out and is on some heavy painkillers," Buffy said, glaring at Robin. "If we're going to be worried about anyone's virtue it should be his."

"Baby-D's got a torch for him," Faith confirmed. "If anyone is going to be taken advantage of, it'll be him."

"And I doubt she's going to do something like that," Buffy said.

Anya raised an eyebrow.

Buffy groaned. "Ok, she's probably taking advantage of him as much as possible."

"Dawn could have been the PSI-smic event," Andrew said nervously.

"What?" Willow asked.

"Dawn's awakening," he explained.

"So you're saying Xander awoke Dawn's psychic potential... with his penis?" Buffy asked skeptically.

"Basically, yes," Giles said. "If Dawn had a great deal of psionic potential, then her first... sexual encounter could activate it."

"We could call and ask, but she's in the shower," Faith said, amused.

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	21. Chapter 21

**Love, Death, and Toast!**

**Chapter One: Good News Everyone**

His friends were dead, that was the only explanation that made sense. They'd been through so much together that the thought that they'd abandoned him to the Dursleys at a time like this was laughable. As he waited for Hedwig to return from one last attempt at writing a friend, he realized something was wrong, he couldn't feel Hedwig anymore. It was like having a comforting noise in the background fall silent. He hadn't realized what it meant until it was gone.

* * *

Dumbledore rechecked the spells on the cage. "That should do it. I'm sorry, Mr. Potter, but your owl is too distinctive and it's too easy for someone to place tracking charms on post owls."

If he had known she was Harry's familiar he would never have done it, but he unknowingly severed the bond between the two.

The perch inside the cage creased as Hedwig's talons bit into it with bone-snapping force. She couldn't feel her wizard in here and that upset her. Quite! A! Bit!

* * *

Harry felt as if someone had just ripped off a piece of his soul. The world became a dull grey and his scar sent waves of pain shooting through his entire being as he laid on his bed and thought of everything that had happened, from being placed at the Dursleys to Sirius' death. Normally, Harry wasn't given to introspection, but right now he had nothing better to do than lay there and put together the pieces of the mangled and shredded puzzle that was his life. He was making connections between events he really didn't like, like Hagrid being sent to pick him up and Sirius being put in prison without a trial. Everyone knows about events when Harry was the only living witness, and Dumbledore had arranged for Snape to evade prosecution despite being the one who leaked the prophesy to Voldemort, while his Godfather - who worked for Dumbledore - didn't get a chance to plead his case.

And, why was Dumbledore interviewing people in a disreputable tavern, rather than in his office like he'd reviewed every other teacher?

The fact that some of the memories he was reviewing weren't his own went by unnoticed as he struggled to make sense of things.

Molly asking for information about the Express for everyone in the station to hear when she'd been there a minimum of fourteen times as a student, and been there the year before for that matter.

Harry was making connections, and a lot of them connected to Dumbledore's hands. And, speaking of hands, Harry recognized the wand Dumbledore held and the fairy tale connected to it. And, didn't Ron mention something about Invisibility cloaks needing special care every few months? Harry pulled out his Invisibility cloak and examined it. It had been in Dumbledore's care for a decade, so it was possible that Dumbledore had cared for it properly, but Harry had had it for four years and he'd never done anything special to care for it.

Examining the label inside where it read "James Potter", he saw it was held on with a simple sticking charm over an older label. Harry took a tack and pricked his thumb, letting a drop of blood well up. Concentrating on that blood, he cast a quick 'finite'. Technically, what he'd just done was Blood Magic, but since he was inside Blood Wards and hadn't used a wand it hardly mattered. The label fell off revealing a "Charlus Potter" had been the owner before.

**Ten minutes and fifty labels later...**

Harry carefully stuck the old labels inside his photo album in the order they'd come in. It was nice to know where one came from after all, and his Magical lineage was certainly noble. The slippery silver tag beneath all of the labels read "Harry J. Potter". He wasn't sure if he should be amused or upset with that, but the sigil next to his name was definitely something to be happy about. It was the sign of the Three Brothers. Harry held in his hands one of the Deathly Hallows.

Harry smiled. Things were looking up, he had one Hallow and knew where a second one was. If he could find the third one, he would be in business. Thinking about it, he thought it rather odd that two of the major players in this game owned a Hallow, and wondered if Voldemort might have the third. Of course the third one was just a small stone unlike the wand and the cloak which were easy to find, or at least easy to identify once you found them. Unless the small nondescript stone was mixed in with diamonds, you'd be hard pressed to...find...it.

Harry grinned as he realized he'd seen the Gaunt family ring before, having used it to create a Horcrux...

Wait a second, something was wrong with that thought. Harry had never and would never split his soul to create one of those abominations. What use was creating a Horcrux to extend your life if you were no-longer you?

So, if it wasn't his memory...

Harry quickly slammed up some Occlumency shells and searched for the gaping hole that was his connection with Voldemort, only to find...nothing?

Searching his mind for traces of Voldemort, he was outright stunned to find that he'd sorted and filed all of Voldemort's memories inside his own skull, but rather than the mass of Darkness and corruption he'd expected to find, he found memories with all of the feelings leeched out of them, like he was just remembering a book he'd read. He found he still disapproved of most of the things that Tom Riddle had done, even if he saw some of the logic behind them. Well, the earlier stuff anyway. After he'd created the Diary, it was all downhill on the Sanity Train, leave your logic and your nose behind.

He wasn't sure how he felt about this new development. Sure, he now had decades of accumulated evil in his head, but it didn't seem to be doing much aside from providing a lot of knowledge, and even more lessons on what NOT to do.

He reached up to rub his scar only to find it missing. Dried blood flaked away, leaving smooth, unmarked skin in its place. He began to smile. No more scar for people to stare at, no more stabbing pains when he was trying to sleep. All in all, he was feeling pretty damn good, but he couldn't help but wonder why and his new memories sorted through all the clues.

He had all of Voldemort's memories, and the scar was gone. Voldemort must've inadvertently imprinted...Voldemort had made Harry into a Horcrux, and Harry had just...absorbed it. Fortunately, it was the last Horcrux and therefore the smallest piece possible, giving it little actual power. But why now? What had...Hedwig. Harry's familiar had been torn from him, tearing apart Harry's soul. And, since he had a soul fragment in his possession...

Truthfully, he was surprised that killing Quirrell in First Year hadn't had the same effect. He had been trying to kill him and he'd succeeded, but he was some form of undead at that point anyway, which Harry had really hated for some reason. Ghosts he could understand, they weren't trying to break the barriers death had put up. They were dead and disembodied and accepted it, but Quirrelmort was dead and trying to come back, and that was not allowed!

Harry forced himself to relax. He wasn't sure why he wasn't so angry, but he knew if he ever ran into any vampires or wizards with Horcruxes, he'd shred them before letting them pass on. Forcing his mind from that topic, he began to search for why he was feeling so good and was quite frankly shocked at the answer, or rather answers. He was no-longer connected to Voldemort, meaning he no-longer had the psychic backwash of an insane, evil, and unhappy wizard floating around in his head where he was leaching off his life and magic.

And, speaking of magical leaches...

Harry shuddered in revulsion. The words around the Dursleys were almost as big a perversion as a Horcrux itself!

The Blood Ward that Dumbledore had set up drew almost nothing from Harry, instead it fed on love itself to keep it going. No-one living under that ward could feel any love for anyone else. No wonder the Dursleys were pissed. The day Harry arrived was the day love died. It was little wonder that they depended on material things to fill the hole left in their lives. Harry couldn't let this stand for another moment, and he briefly wondered if this was another plan of Dumbledore's to keep him under control, because as long as that stood, he would never fall in love or care for a girl as more than a friend unless outside magics were involved. And, that could only imitate love, not that the old Harry would've known the difference.

He sighed. Who knew what he had missed with this ward up? He could've fallen in and out of love with a dozen women by now! More life experience denied him by Dumbledore's actions. What use was saving a life if by doing so you made that life not worth living?

He quickly packed up everything he owned - not a lot - and went downstairs. Before the Dursleys could even open their mouths, he quickly quieted them down, using a blood cast silencing spell of course. "Yes, yes, I can do magic without a wand and no-one's the wiser, but that's beside the point. I have discovered that Dumbledore did something completely unforgivable. What's with that 'duh' look? No, placing me here wasn't the unforgivable thing, he did something much worse! You'll all understand in a moment when I tear down the ward he put up around the place."

Harry pricked his thumb with the pin in his pocket so the Dursleys and anyone who looked at their memories wouldn't know how he was casting his spells. Concentrating on the blood coating his right thumb, he pulled at the wards surrounding #4 Privet Drive, finding things much easier than he expected because the ward was based on his blood and he was using his blood to dismantle it.

Over a decade of thoughts, feelings, and emotions hit the four. Fortunately, it was just a pale ghost of what it should've been, but Harry still had to channel a good portion of love based sexual attraction into one of the kitchen appliances to keep from being knocked unconscious like Dudley was.

"That was..." Vernon attempted to explain, but fell silent.

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "Well, there is no reason for me to be here anymore ever, but I will give you a warning. Wizards can find you now, and unlike me, they would delight in torturing you to death for a laugh, so I would recommend moving far away, like to America. Bye!"

Harry ran upstairs and grabbed his trunk which he dragged downstairs and out the front door, never noticing the toaster following behind him.

**AN: Typing by Lucillia!**


	22. Chapter 22

**Knights on the Hellmouth**

Corwin rubbed his temples and forced away his confusion and dizziness as he rose to his feet and took stock of his situation. He appeared to be on Earth, modern day, and someone had either led or trumped in a number of shadow spawn as well as did something to lay the touch of the Logrus upon the town. He checked and found he was dressed more for court than battle in blue tabard and burgundy cape, but thankfully carrying his sword Grayswandir with its Pattern edged blade.

A groan and a whimper from the ground brought his attention to a young woman, scarcely more than a girl, dressed in white with her dark hair in buns on the sides of her head. A snarling horned creature attacked, and he backhanded it away before helping her to her feet. "Are you alright, milady?" he asked courteously, ignoring the chaos around them.

"My head feels like a rancor kicked it," she complained as she leaned on him.

"I know not what a rancor is, but considering the number of strange creatures about, that is a distinct possibility."

She opened her eyes and looked around her in confusion. "What's going on? Where are we?"

"I was wondering that myself," he admitted. "Forgive my poor manners, I am Prince Corwin of Amber."

"Princess Leia of Alderaan, at any rate, I much prefer the title of Senator, but please just call me Leia."

Something large and green roared and charged at them, but Leia threw up a hand and the creature was flung away, though the effort staggered her.

"I see you have a modicum of talent in sorcery," he remarked as he looked around for anything that carried an air of familiarity.

"I have training in how to use the Force, but it's not magic," she disagreed. "There are scientific principles behind every Force skill."

Corwin chuckled. "Magic, Sorcery, The Force. The name changes, but it remains the same. A way of altering reality through the application of will."

"I never thought of it that way," she said. "There is some truth in that."

A red haired woman in a short skirt ran up to them, passing through various obstacles as if they didn't exist. "Xander, Dawn!"

The two exchanged confused glances.

"Who?" Corwin asked.

The young woman groaned. "Oh no, it got you too!"

"Got us too?" Leia asked.

"Ok, listen," the young woman ordered earnestly. "You are not who you think you are."

Leia blinked and shook her head. "That makes little sense, a person is who they think they are, that is a basic tenant of self."

"I think therefore I am," Corwin explained. "Can be expanded into 'as I think of myself, so shall I be'."

"The truth stripped of riddles," Leia said. "I think I like you, my brother has a habit of answering me in complicated riddles."

"I have some small knowledge of the base mysteries," Corwin admitted. "More than likely, you were being trained in how to discover the answers for yourself rather than what the answers were."

"Everyone turned into their costume," Willow said bluntly, not wanting to get drawn into a deep philosophical debate. "Most of the monsters running around are children who dressed up for Halloween."

"Something must be done," Leia said resolutely. "This stinks of the Dark side, but then this entire area feels like it's seeped in it."

"I know it by the term Logrus or Chaos, but yes I can feel it too," Corwin agreed.

Leia closed her eyes and reached out with her senses, shuddering at the oily feeling of the air. "The center of the darkness is that way," she said, pointing towards Sunnydale High.

"Yes, but can you find the anchor point for the spell, which is a lot closer?" Corwin asked, sensing the threads of magic leading in a different direction.

"We should find Buffy," Willow said.

"Can you find the anchor point?" Leia asked. "I'm afraid the darkness clouds my vision too much."

"Using Grayswandir as a focus," Corwin said, patting his sword. "I should be able to. I can already sense it's close by."

"We need to get Buffy first," Willow insisted. "She's your older sister, and our best friend."

"I have a sister?" Leia asked curiously.

"Yeah, and she'd be a big help," Willow promised. Corwin shrugged at Leia's questioning glance, having no opinion on the topic. A scream rang out and Willow shouted "Buffy!", and ran towards it.

"That doesn't sound like a big help," Leia remarked dryly as they jogged after her.

"Family rarely is," Corwin agreed, amused.

Before they could catch up with her, they rounded a corner and found themselves facing a group of nearly two dozen armored warriors. The majority wore white ceramic full plate including helm, however there were a few in red and one in solid black.

"Father," she said, dread lacing her voice. "B-But, he reformed and died."

"Stay strong," Corwin commanded. "We are likely to face many we know if the tale we were told is true."

Leia took a deep breath and slowly released it, regaining her composure. "You're right," she said, taking what appeared to be a flashlight off her belt and pushing a button on it with her thumb, igniting a three foot blade of emerald light. "Stay behind me."

Corwin tried not to grin, pleased with her attitude change and amused by her trying to protect him.

"Jedi," the tall black armored figure rasped out. "Open fire!"

Corwin was surprised by the enemy's use of energy blasters, but he was even more shocked by Leia's actions as she reflected back every blast that would've hit them using her blade of light.

* * *

Angel checked Buffy's house, but found it empty. He was contemplating where to go next when he heard a feminine scream. "Cordelia," he muttered before breaking into a run.

Cordelia chase ran pretty well for a girl wearing a tight black cat outfit, and she somehow found the breath to scream as well. Of course, some credit should be given to the faux werewolf chasing her, as he provided excellent motivation.

"Ra-awk!" the werewolf gagged as Angel clotheslined him and quickly kicked him in the temple, knocking the costumed monster unconscious.

Cordelia came to a stop as she looked back and saw that Angel had taken down the creature trying to kill her and he hadn't even broken a sweat. She paused and various options were weighed in her mind below conscious thought, comparing Angel to Xander, both of which had saved her life. In the end there was no question, Angel was a lot closer to her social status than Xander would ever be. "Angel!" Cordelia squealed, throwing herself into his arms. "I was so scared!"

* * *

Armored figures were scattered about like leaves after a storm. Only three figures remained standing.

Vader stood imperiously, left hand outstretched holding Corwin in place as he dueled Leia with just his right hand. "For a Jedi, you show some skill," he admitted with grudging admiration.

"I've only been training for a year and a half," Leia replied as she redoubled her efforts, hoping to distract Vader enough to free Corwin. "Give me another year, and I'll show you skill."

"I find that highly unlikely," Vader said, a quick Force shove sending her flying into the side of a building. "The Jedi council would never have allowed one as old as you to begin training."

Leia wiped blood from the corner of her mouth and held out a hand to summon her lightsaber to her. "The Council was wiped out long ago, father."

"Father?" Vader asked shocked, he could feel the truth of her words reverberating through the Force. "But, the Jedi killed my wife and unborn child!"

Corwin managed to take a step forward, leaving a three inch deep footprint in the asphalt before Vader clenched his fist and redoubled the pressure on him.

"Children, she had twins," Leia said, calming herself and mustering her strength for another attack.

"You have a sister?" Vader asked.

"Brother," she corrected him.

"I have a son?" Vader released Corwin who stumbled, not expecting the sudden change, as Vader extinguished his lightsaber.

Leia frowned. "What, so having a son is more important than having a daughter?"

"No, no!" Vader winced, the lie obvious even to those without Force powers. "A small amount," he admitted. "Sons carry on the family name, and as a father I would get to teach him to be a man. That doesn't mean I'd love a daughter any less, just that a girl would be more the mother's responsibility to mold into a proper young woman."

"Ok," Leia said, deactivating her lightsaber. "Well, Luke is the one training me and the head of the new Jedi Order. He's changed a lot of the rules."

"I...had no idea," Vader admitted quietly. "But, shouldn't you be about eight?"

"Try twenty-eight," Leia replied. "A number of people have become us from different places and times according to a 'ghost' we met. In my time, you died protecting Luke and destroying the Emperor."

"And Padme?"

"Died shortly after giving birth, according to the records I saw."

"I see," Vader said, falling silent, save for the sound of his respiration.

"We should go," Corwin said. "We have to end the course of this...rupture before more people are harmed."

Vader's gaze suddenly snapped to Corwin, the weight of it far stronger than the power of the force he'd used on him before. "What are your intentions towards my daughter?!"

* * *

"Sounds like complete chaos out there," Spike said wistfully.

"All of the characters have stepped out of their books and are wandering about," Dru said with a giggle.

"Like the Cat in the Hat?" a minion asked.

Spike rolled his eyes, but Dru laughed and replied. "Exactly, but a six foot tall feline is no pussy, and he likes to bury dead things."

"That's one big cat," another minion agreed.

"We could just avoid him," Spike suggested.

"Then, the Father will find you and rip off all your limbs with his mind," Dru said. "Be a good boy for mummy, and there'll be pie."

"I do like your pie," Spike admitted with a leer. "Mummy."

* * *

"We just met," Corwin repeated. "When this spell ends, we won't even be in the same universe."

"And, yet I still sense your interest," Vader said dryly.

"Father," Leia moaned, not having expected this sort of response from one of the most feared Dark Lords of the Sith.

"I find her admirable," Corwin admitted. "If I recall anything after the spell ends, I may seek her out."

"From another universe?!" Leia asked in surprise.

"That is a small difficulty to overcome for one such as I," Corwin admitted. "I thought I might spend a decade or two in your company and see if anything develops between us."

"A decade or two?" Leia asked in surprise. "Most couples I know court for a year or two at most before marriage."

"You need at least half a decade before you can even begin to say you know someone," he disagreed. "Lust rushed about, love waits patiently," he quoted.

"A sensible attitude," Vader agreed.

"At 28, regardless of current body, five years is more than enough time to marry. No, date and get to know one another for three years, and engage for two before marrying is a much more reasonable timescale."

"That's all in the future," Corwin pointed out. "For now, let's see about quelling the chaos and restoring order."

"A goal even the Empire would agree with," Vader said dryly. "I will rouse my...troops and restore order with minimal casualties while you two get to the heart of the problem."

"That would be helpful," Leia said quietly.

Vader stopped and looked at his daughter. "There is much that separates us," he admitted, turning and rousing the downed troopers. "I am proud of you," he said, not looking in her direction.

Leia nodded and she and Corwin left, the awkward empathic connection she had with her father fading with distance.

"It's nice to have a parent's approval, even if you don't approve of them," Corwin noted.

Before Leia could comment, the red-headed returned. "Where have you guys been?! It doesn't matter, I've convinced Buffy to hide. Come on!" The two jogged after the spirit who led them to a dark alley where muffled curses could be heard. "Buffy!" Willow screeched in horror.

A dark haired young woman in a multilayered medieval monstrosity of a dress was being held down by two men who were attempting to molest her. "I think I found something!" one of the men exclaimed excitedly. "Nah, it's just another bloody layer!" he cursed.

"Fuck this!" the other man said, climbing off her. "Let's just use her mouth."

Corwin drew his sword, and the silvery blade began to glow, circuit-like etchings on the surface of the blade twinkling in the dark alley, but before he could do anything, Leia threw out her hand, sending the two men flying. Seeing the three, the lady struggled to her feet and threw herself at Corwin. "Ah kind sir, please protect me!" she said.

"It's ok, milady, we're here now. The spirit guided us right to you." Corwin said, trying to comfort her.

"You have truck with spirits?" she shrank back.

"Not as such," he assured her. "But, I would be remiss if I did not listen to one trying to make up for her sins in life."

"The sins of a harlot must be great indeed," she said wide-eyed.

Willow forced herself not to growl. "Your sister, Dawn."

"Sister Dawn?" Buffy said, looking at Dawn and suddenly smiling. "Ah, a sister! Bless me sister, but it's good to see clergy on a night like this."

"Blessings upon you," Leia said, not feeling like arguing.

"The source of the chaos is quite close by," Corwin said, his eyes glowing silver to match his blade.

"Witchcraft!" Buffy whimpered.

"He's being guided by a higher power," Leia told Buffy.

"Truly?" Buffy said in wonder.

"Truly," Leia assured her. "He is seeing the source of the mischief so we can end it."

"As you say sister," Buffy said, calming down.

* * *

"I'm sure Buffy can handle it," Cordelia assured Angel as she coaxed him into her car.

"I should still check on her," Angel said weakly.

"She handled the snake demon at that frat party just fine," Cordelia assured him. "This is a lot easier."

Angel frowned at the mention of the frat party. "Yeah, you're probably right," he decided.

"Where's your place?" Cordelia asked brightly.

* * *

"It's in there," Corwin said, pointing to the door of Ethan's shop with his sword.

"That's where we bought our costumes," Willow said.

Corwin tried the door and found it locked.

"Maybe there's a back door," Willow said.

Corwin stepped back and kicked the door which came apart like it was composed of gingerbread.

"The front way works too, I guess," Willow said, following them into the costume shop.

"You can't just barge in here," Ethan tried to bluff.

"I think you'll find I can," Corwin said, blade in hand.

Leia waved a hand in front of Ethan's face, causing his eyes to lose focus. "You wish to tell us how to end this."

"I wish to tell you how to end this," Ethan agreed before shaking his head and blinking. "No, I don't!"

Corwin drew his sword. "The ill humors that caused you to do this, no doubt settle in the appendages farthest from the heart. All I have to do is remove the appendage responsible and you'll feel like a new man. Don't worry, I've had medical training, so I shouldn't have to remove more than two before locating the right one."

"Statue in the back room!" Ethan blurted out, wide-eyed.

Corwin's eyes glowed silver for a moment. "So it is," he agreed.

* * *

"You must do a lot of reading," Cordelia noted as she ran a finger along a bookshelf.

"It helps pass the time," Angel agreed.

Cordelia noted the number of leather-bound classics and silently blessed her mother for the boring tutor she'd been forced to deal with until she could 'discuss the classics intelligently like a girl of her class and breeding'. "The complete works of Dickens are a must if you want to understand the social issues of his time, but why would you have Mellville? His tale may be called a classic, but it's really nothing more than a thinly disguised cry for help from someone with an oedipal complex so huge that it makes me blush to think about."

Angel perked up, surprised at finding the girl he'd mentally dismissed as shallow actually had depth to her and had chosen such an interesting topic to discuss.

* * *

Leia watched as Corwin laid his hands upon the bust he referred to as Dworkin and felt… Dawn slowly surface like the sun shining through the early morning mists on Endor. And, just like the mists, she felt herself slowly vanish. A momentary thought ran through the minds of the two as they watched Corwin and Leia found herself smashing her lips against his as oblivion claimed her.

Buffy ripped the brown wig off her head as the memories of the last couple of hours hit her and Willow vanished. She turned and saw Dawn had a firm grip on Xander's head and was attempting to extract his tonsils. Being a good sister, she gave her a ten count before prying her loose. A stunned Xander just blinked and stood there.

"I think you broke him," Buffy said. "And, how did you bust you lip?"

"A fight with fath- I mean Vader," Dawn said, taking one of Xander's hands.

"And, molesting Xander?" Buffy asked.

"I've always liked him, and Leia liked Corwin. A last kiss seemed in order," Dawn said, memories and knowledge from Leia giving her courage to defend her actions.

"Xander?" Buffy asked.

"I taste blood," Xander said, recovering.

"Split lip," Dawn told him. "I didn't have time to brush."

"Oh,"

"I notice you're still holding her hand," Buffy said.

"I've often held Dawn's hand," Xander said.

"Not after she's kissed you."

"True, but it seems more appropriate to hold her hand after having kissed her."

"What are you really asking about?" Dawn asked.

"Wondering about your relationship now," Buffy admitted.

"Depends on what I can talk him into."

"You are a few years away from dating age," Xander said.

"How many?" Dawn asked.

"Three," he replied.

"Fifteen is more common in California," she pointed out.

"With an age difference, sixteen is a lot more reasonable," he corrected.

"I'm not likely to put up with you dating other girls in that time," Dawn said bluntly.

"I'm in no rush," Xander assured her. "I can wait."

"I can wait too," Dawn said, blushing.

Buffy nodded, happy with their not dating for a couple of years as she was pretty sure that Dawn's crush would fade in a year at most, and Xander was a guy, so he'd be dating someone by then, hopefully Willow.

"Let's round up the kids so we don't get expelled."

**AN: Typing by Lucillia!**


	23. Chapter 23

**Love Hina: The Girls are in the Mist**

Keitaro walked into the women's side of the Love Hina hot springs and looked around. The girls had been using the male side for years because the female side wasn't working, according to them, so he'd decided to see what was wrong with it. The washing stations looked fine, just a bit dirty from accumulated dust and the occasional leaf that had blown in. A quick test showed that the water was working fine, though he would need to clean the drains. Continuing into the springs themselves, he immediately saw what the problem was. There was serious damage done to the base and sides of the spring, and from his experience with repairing the Hinata Sou he could even identify the culprits, a mecha-tama, Motoko, and Naru had all left their mark.

Fortunately, it was nothing he couldn't fix, which was good because he was tired of bathing in a barrel on his balcony. But first, he had some prep work to do. Returning to the entrance of the springs, he took a screwdriver off his tool belt and switched the Male and Female signs so the non-working springs were now listed as the male one. Knowing that wouldn't be enough, he set out a free-standing sign on either side forbidding entry to the opposite sex. Satisfied, he left to purchase a couple bags of cement and various other supplies. Just after he left, Motoko arrived to use the springs, noting the change and new signs with approval. The timing between the two was such that he returned with his supplies just as he was exiting.

"Urashima," she greeted formally. "I see you've finally gotten around to switching the signs."

"Yeah," he agreed. "If it had been this way when I had arrived, there would've been a lot less problems."

Motoko looked at the wheelbarrow filled with bags of quick-setting cement, tools, and cheap sake. "Are you planning on fixing the other side?"

"As far as I can tell, it's just the cement that's damaged and I've had more than enough experience repairing stone to fix that easily," he assured her.

"Might I prevail upon you to fix some of the cracks in the wall between the sides before fixing the male side?"

"Of course, provided you don't mind coming with me to insure none of the girls tries to use the spring while I'm doing it, plus, since you use the spring regularly, you no doubt know where all the cracks are."

"I'd happy to assist you," Motoko said. "But, might I ask why you have so much sake?"

"It's an old builder's trick for speeding the setting process in damp and cold areas," Keitaro said, pouring some sake into a bucket along with some redi-crete mix and stirring with a wooden dowel.

"And the blow-dryer?"

"It's called a heat gun," he explained as he plugged in an extension cord and unrolled it into the women's side of the spring.

"Another quick-dry trick?" she asked curiously as she pointed to some rather large cracks in the wall and what appeared to be an imprint of his face in the cement wall separating the two sides.

"Exactly. Alcohol evaporates a lot quicker than water, especially if heated up. So, within minutes, I can finish up small sections. The larger ones still require overnight to set, but that's better than three to five days."

"Quite ingenious," she commented over the sounds of the over-sized black hair dryer he was using. Between the two of them, they managed to restore the wall to like-new condition in short order without being interrupted, thought the fumes from evaporating sake had gotten a bit thick. "Would you like me to help with the rest?" she offered.

"It might be pushing our luck, 'cause frankly I'm surprised I haven't tripped and fallen, grabbed something I shouldn't, and gotten slapped already," he joked.

"You do, do that quite often," she acknowledged.

"And yet, no-one ever dodges," he said thoughtfully.

"You...have a point," she said in surprise. "At the very least, Su and I should be able to dodge you quite easily."

"Su doesn't dodge, she laughs and tries to see how long it can continue before being interrupted."

"Yes, however I should be able to dodge," Motoko said firmly. "Very well, we'll continue working together and I'll try and dodge when the inevitable occurs."

"Which will be really hard on the surroundings," he reminded her. "Which is counter-productive to what we're doing," he said cautiously.

"Whatever happens, you will not be assaulted for it," she promised.

"Ok," Keitaro said. "So, are we assuming a genuine accident will occur, or should I be trying to make them happen?"

"I...I don't know."

"And, should I grope you on purpose, or are we going for clothes removal, or just full body contact like falling on one-another?"

Taking a deep breath, Motoko closed her eyes and thought about it. "All of those are perfectly acceptable," she decided.

Immediately stepping forward, he wrapped his arms around her. After several seconds of silence he said, "You didn't dodge".

"No," she admitted, embarrassed. "I didn't. I don't see a hug as an assault."

"Ah, ok," he said, stepping back red-faced. "Well, let's find an eyebrow pencil and get to work."

"An eyebrow pencil?" she asked.

"I just don't feel right trying to do anything without a goatee and a pencil-thin mustache," he explained.

**0oOo0oOo0**

Haruka, Mitsune and Naru had just entered the hot springs, taking note of when they heard Keitaro's voice float over the wall, attracting their attention, "You didn't dodge."

"That was not an assault. That was poking me with a single finger, while bracing for an explosion like my buttocks were made of nitroglycerine. You must try harder."

Shocked looks were exchanged by the girls.

"I've never intentionally groped someone before," he admitted.

"Pretend we're on a train and stand behind me," she ordered. "I'll move like we've hit a bump in the tracks, so you'll have the perfect opening."

The girls climbed out of the water and walked over to the wall so they could hear a little better.

There was a heavy sigh. "That was your cue to grope me, not your cue to help steady me."

"Sorry," he apologized.

The three quickly exited the female side and entered the male side, all but running to see what was going on. Well, two did, Haruka took her time, stopping to grab her cigarettes.

"Fine, I'll grope you," Motoko said, "then you copy it, ok?"

"What the hell is going on here?!" Naru exploded.

The two turned and Keitaro blushed like a cherry tomato. "Clothes!" He quickly covered his eyes.

Realizing she'd been in such a rush that she'd even forgotten to grab her towel, giving Keitaro quite an eyeful, Naru wound up, preparing to send him into orbit. Haruka entered with a lit cigarette in her mouth, just in time to see Motoko stop Naru's punch like it was nothing.

"You came over here unclothed, despite the signs saying it was a male only area," Motoko said firmly. "Keitaro did not stare, he covered his eyes."

"You've got a point there, Hon," Mitsune admitted, making no attempt to cover herself. "But, normally you wouldn't be defending him or trying to get him to grope you, and do I smell sake?"

"I am helping him with some repair work, and I promised him I would not allow him to be harmed for anything that happened here today," Motoko explained.

"Oh." Naru lowered her fist.

"Groping and sake?" Mitsune asked.

"The sake is because it's mixed with the concrete to speed up the drying process," Keitaro offered. "Can I uncover my eyes yet?"

"And the groping?" Naru asked, ignoring him.

"Despite being a trained martial artist, I have not managed to dodge a single one of his 'accidents'," Motoko replied. "We're trying to figure out why, but getting him to assault me on purpose is difficult."

"I've never tried to assault someone before," he admitted.

"Yes, now anyone who does not wish to help please leave so we can continue," Motoko requested.

"I'm out of here," Naru said, turning and leaving. "This is just too strange."

"Ok, Naru's gone. You can uncover your eyes now," Mitsune said.

"Still naked!" he sputtered, spinning around.

"Yeah, and you've already seen everything, so modesty would be a little silly at this point," she said, moving behind him.

"Maybe," he admitted.

"Let's try the subway groper scene again, but you play the girl and I'll show you what to do, alright?"

"You're being unusually helpful, Mitsune," Motoko noted in surprise.

"I tease Naru all the time, and with a figure like mine, you know I've learned to deal with subway gropers, and seriously, how often am I going to get a chance to use my groping knowledge for good?" Mitsune enthused.

Keitaro and Motoko actually had to chuckle at this.

"Ok, now you're the girl and I'm the guy," she said from behind Keitaro. He held his arm up like he was holding on to a subway strap, his other arm tucking a nonresistant purse below nonexistent breasts. "And bump," Motoko said.

The two dutifully bounced on their heels like the train car had shifted, and Mitsune made her move.

**0oOo0oOo0**

"Eeep!"

Naru was about to rush over, but Haruka put a hand on her shoulder. "Don't."

"But, it sounds like Mitsune's in trouble!"

"That was, Keitaro."

"Oh."

Mitsune's voice drifted over the wall, "Relax little miss, I'm sure you wouldn't want anyone to see you like this."

"Please, don't! Stop!" Keitaro begged.

"Please don't stop?" she chuckled evilly. "If you insist little missy, just remember you asked for this. Shinji help me show her a good time."

"He'd better not take advantage of her," Naru said feebly.

"I just hope they don't knock him up," Haruka said.

**AN: Typing by Lucillia!**


	24. Chapter 24

**2 For 1 Sale**

"Please tell me you brought the mirror," a voice said.

"Relax, I brought it," the voice answered itself.

Dawn had been half awake when she heard what sounded like Xander talking to himself outside her motel room door.

"This won't kill you, will it?" Xander asked.

"Kinda iffy," he admitted. "Easier to think of it as a quick reincarnation."

She pulled on a robe and slippers, worried that getting an eye poked out had driven Xander insane. She was careful not to wake Buffy in the next bed, knowing her sister had been having a hard time of it lately. The bright and early morning sun hit like a hammer as she stepped out into it. Pushing down a whimper, she hurried after Xander, who she barely saw, heading down the stairs.

"This is seriously going to screw with our memories," Xander warned.

"Yes, but is it going to make you want to steal my new life?" Xander asked.

"We should be good, I just need a life of yours, either one."

Dawn got to the head of the outside stairs just in time to see twin Xanders heading for a motorhome in the parking lot of the motor lodge. She must've made a noise coming down the stairs because both Xanders spotted her.

"Dawn," a two-eyed Xander said once with a big smile, like he hadn't seen her for a while.

"We have an explanation," the one-eyed Xander quickly assured her.

"Ferula Gemini?" she guessed.

"Doppelganger," the two-eyed Xander said, waving for her to follow him to the motorhome.

"Invasion of the Body Snatchers?" she asked, ready to bolt if they morphed into monsters.

"Only if the movie had the person teaming up with his partner," one-eyed Xander replied.

"I like and approve of me," two-eyed Xander said. "Why wouldn't I help me?"

"Huh?" she asked, confused.

"Come in before we end up with all the Scoobs down here," two-eyed Xander said with a sigh as he opened the door of the motorhome and entered, followed by his visually challenged self.

"I've had dreams that started like this," Dawn muttered, pinching herself to make sure she wasn't dreaming before following them inside.

The two had moved to the back of the motorhome and were sitting at the table. With the lights on and the two next to each-other, she could see that there were additional differences she hadn't noted before. The two-eyed Xander seemed much more relaxed and looked like he worked out more, his hair was also a bit longer and had been dyed a darker color.

"I'll step into the mirror, just like I'd been defeated, and then you challenge the mirror again," the one-eyed Xander said. "I'll step out a two-eyed reflection of yourself."

"Mirror?" Dawn asked, sitting next to the one-eyed Xander.

"Found it on the road trip," Xander replied.

"Started with the usual fight," the two-eyed Xander explained. "But while pausing for a breather..."

"...We actually started talking," the one-eyed Xander finished.

"Doppelgangers are made out of potential you..."

"...Just twice as strong, fast, and tough."

"Which means my other self who wanted to be Xander Harris would do a better job than I would," the two-eyed Xander explained.

"At the fighting part anyway, which wasn't all that often really," one-eyed Xander admitted. "Our support was mostly emotional and financial."

"If it was needed even once, it was worth it," two-eyed Xander assured him.

"Where's the mirror?" one-eyed Xander asked.

"In the bathroom."

"I'm off, give me five and then get me, cause I gotta use the john," one-eyed Xander said, before nudging Dawn so she could stand up and he could squeeze past.

"So, where have you been?" Dawn asked, retaking her seat across from Xander.

"A whole lotta places," Xander said. "I examine properties for problems and get five percent of the sale's price. Most real estate agencies have a list of properties that give them trouble, no more than one or two in most small towns though."

"You clear out nests," Dawn said in shock.

"And lay ghosts to rest," Xander agreed.

"So, you've never even met me," Dawn said quietly.

"I remember you," Xander assured her. "And, the other me is me..." Xander's voice trailed off and he blinked and shook himself, like he was shaking off a moment of dizziness. "I think he just stepped into the mirror."

"How do you know?" Dawn asked.

"Cause I just got a headache from a couple of years' worth of memory shoved into my head without the benefit of an anesthetic."

"Are you ok?" she asked, concerned.

"Bit of a headache, but I think we've forgotten what happens when someone beats their doppelganger."

"What happens?" Dawn asked, concerned.

"Stat boost, which is handy and hopefully I'll be able to keep it after I pull him out."

"Only you would figure out a way to make friends with something that, by all rights, was created to destroy you."

"Be right back," Xander said. "I don't want to leave one-eye waiting."

Dawn shook her head and waited.

"I...I seem to have recovered from Anya's death," Xander said as he came out of the bathroom followed by his twin.

"A couple of years of distance will do that," the other Xander replied.

"Bathroom," Dawn said, pausing between the two to hug them both to herself. "I'm glad you're better, and I'm glad you're here."

The two hugged her back, and she vanished into the bathroom before they could respond. Retaking their seats, one said to the other "Ok, I got a boost from 'defeating' you, which should put us on equal footing, but I'm keeping to our agreement, do you want our new life or old one?"

"I'll stick with Willow and Buffy," Xander replied. "And, good news, I gout double what you got, except for the brain."

"Special doppelganger knowledge?" Xander asked.

He rolled his eyes. "Remember the inscription?"

"Life's reflection, times embrace. Face thyself, choose thy fate. Victory over the two-fold twin, mirrors itself a boon to win," he quoted.

"I'm like at Slayer level here now, being double your double of self, and you've got a minor wish to use," he explained.

"Oh, well you understand the mirror better than I do," Xander said as Dawn returned from the bathroom to rejoin them.

"Yeah, we are majorly perverting its purpose," Xander said proudly. "but seriously, let's brainstorm the boon and avoid the W-I-S-H word until you're ready to use it, so you don't use it on accident."

"That would suck," Xander agreed.

"You got an Aladdin type wish?" Dawn asked in shock.

"A minor one, very limited," Xander quickly said. "Ask for too much and you get nothing."

"More limited than the Aladdin one?" Dawn asked.

"Much," he assured her. "And, it's a one-time thing. We can't risk using the mirror again after this."

"Well, memories of a punctured eyeball and walking into door frames bug me, so how about Wolverine style regeneration?" Xander asked.

"Way too powerful," he said with a sigh. "Wolverine had ridiculously overpowered regeneration."

"How about requesting as much regeneration as the boon allows?" Dawn suggested.

"Perfect," Xander said as they both beamed at Dawn. "Let the powers behind the mirror handle the amount and you run zero risk of wasting it, by wishing for too much."

"Here goes," Xander said, taking a deep breath. "I Alexander Lavelle Harris wish my boon to be spent on regeneration for everyone in the RV to the highest levels acceptable to the grantor of my boon." There was a blinding flash of light, and the other two blinked spots from their eyes as they stared at Xander in surprise. "What?" Xander asked.

"I think the boon was supposed to be just for you," Dawn explained.

"That doesn't work for me," Xander said, shaking his head. "See, if I get to regenerate, so should my other self here, X-Squared in stats, because we can't use the mirror again to replace body parts if he loses something again."

"And me?" Dawn asked.

"I like you having all your bits."

"My bits thank you," Dawn said with a grin.

"Ok, now I have to split," Xander said. "Before the whole urge to kill gets too much."

"Urge to kill?" she asked nervously.

"It's why we can abuse the mirror the way we did," the other Xander explained. "It relies on the increasing urge to kill and replace the person to force matters, but if the original splits and leaves the life to us Doppler radar image type persons all that's left is the urge to kill, which really only pops up when we are physically present."

"So, I gotta go," Xander finished. "We got over a hundred and twenty grand in the Emergency fund. Call me if you need more."

"Will do," Xander said. "Keep safe."

"You too," Xander replied as he and Dawn stepped outside, squinting in the sunlight as they watched him drive off.

"So, how do you plan on explaining the eye?" Dawn asked.

"Regeneration, I've been feeling better and better since the slayers were called," Xander said. "I've got some serious speed and strength now, so I can let them think I was potentially activated because of my numerous connections to the slayer line. It'll also explain why you can regenerate, and are twice as strong and fast as you were before."

Dawn chuckled nervously. "How'd you know?"

"I've been a doppelganger longer," he replied. "I can sense your link to the mirror."

"You aren't upset?" she asked hopefully.

"We didn't hear any fighting, so I'm going to guess you didn't attack your original self?" he asked.

"Of course not, she's going with Xander," Dawn replied.

"Then, I'm not upset at all," he said. "My traveling self could use the company."

"Buy me breakfast?" Dawn asked.

"Get dressed and we'll go for waffles," he promised.

"It's a date," she squealed, hugging him and rushing back to her room, leaving Xander frozen in place.

"Dawn?" Buffy asked blearily as Dawn flipped on the lights and started getting ready.

"Yes Buffy?" she replied, going through her suitcase.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting ready for a date."

"A date?" Buffy asked, sitting up.

"Yes, one of those things where a man and a woman go out and eat together, spending time with one-another, like say, me and Xander."

"Does he know it's a date?" Buffy asked.

"I informed him of such, once it was too late for him to escape," Dawn said cheerfully.

"Good tactic," she admitted. "Anya, wounds, painkillers," she rattled off.

Dawn stopped, surprised at the lack of complaint from Buffy. "He and Anya made their peace before she died, and they hadn't been together as a couple in quite some time before that. We've both lost friends, and can use some cheering up. I'm surprised at how mature you're being about this."

"I'm always mature," Buffy defended herself. "And, why would I have problems with you being with Xander? He's the only one I've always trusted with you."

"Huh?" Dawn paused and stared at Buffy in shock.

"When I tried to send you away, who did I send with you? When we fought in the school, who did I pair you with?"

"Xander," she said softly.

"I'd love to see you both settle down and have a normal life somewhere, but I know that's not happening," Buffy admitted. "So, I'll settle with you being with a man who will cheerfully kill anything he sees as a threat to you, and will sacrifice his life for your health and safety."

"He would, wouldn't he?" she said to herself, having never put it into words, but having known it all the same.

"Yes, now what about battle injuries and painkillers?" Buffy asked. "He's probably sore, nauseous, and exhausted. Not exactly the best condition to go out."

"Actually, since you activated the Slayers..." Dawn took a deep breath and tried to sound convincing as possible, "I've been feeling stronger and healing faster."

Buffy was on her feet and was examining Dawn in an instant, noting a complete lack of scratches of bruises.

"I'm not a Slayer," Dawn said quickly. "But I am connected through the Slayer line through you. Xander has a lot of connections to the line, like having made it so there was two Slayers."

"He's..."

"Flawless," Dawn said with a bright smile. "Well, no more than before Caleb anyway."

"He's got both eyes again?!" Buffy begged, tears in her eyes.

"Yes! Now help me dress in such a way that those eyes will be glued on me!"

**AN: Typing by Lucillia!**


	25. Chapter 25

**Two's a Crowd**

Xander looked at the preparations to re-ensoul Angelus and shook his head. Despite the fact that they had two Slayers on hand to guard the ritual and it was being done directly over the Hellmouth, to increase the chances of success, he had a bad feeling about this.

"Stop looking all doom and gloom," Willow ordered. "It'll work, you'll see."

He shook his head and rechecked his weapons. "And, if it works you'll have ripped a soul from its final reward and stuffed it into a demonically animated corpse. I wouldn't do that to someone I hated."

Uneasy looks were shared amongst the group.

"If you can't be quiet, go home," Buffy ordered. "We can't afford any distractions right now."

Xander rolled his eyes, but kept silent as everyone finished their preparations and began the spell.

0oOo0oOo00oOo0oOo0

"Ah, my poor kitten," Drusilla moaned, causing Angelus to stop what he was doing and grin.

"Yeah, take it!" he growled.

"Not _my _kitten, my _Kitten_," Dru corrected him. "The one who plays with the Slayer."

"Do you have to talk about Xander now?" he asked incredulously as he looked down at her naked body, blood and sweat dripping down her chest.

"But the little witch is going to make a mess and stick not-daddy into Kitten," she complained.

Angelus rolled off Dru and thought about what she'd said. "They tried to re-ensoul me and got Xander instead?"

"There's not enough room," she complained. "And Kitten's going to leave, it's not fair."

Angelus laughed. "It may not be fair, but it sure as hell is funny!"

0oOo0oOo00oOo0oOo0

There was a bright flare of light as the spell was completed and Xander collapsed to the ground. Cordelia rushed over to Xander and checked to make sure he was okay.

"Well, did it work?" Buffy demanded hopefully.

"It worked," Willow said tiredly. "I'm sure of it."

"What's going on?" the dark-haired teen asked as Cordelia managed to rouse him.

"What's the last thing you remember?" Cordelia asked.

He blushed and cleared his throat. "That's a bit private, don't you think?"

"Xander?" Cordelia asked cautiously.

He raised an eyebrow. "Why are you calling me Xander?"

"Angel?" Buffy asked in the silence that had descended on the room.

"Yeah?" Angel replied, getting to his feet and dusting himself off.

"I can fix this!" Willow swore. The small crystal sphere used in the Gypsy ceremony, to hold the soul, chose that moment to roll off the table corner where Willow had set it and shatter on the floor. "As soon as I get another one of those," Willow said.

"Angel!" Buffy said, sweeping him up in a hug, tears of joy in her eyes.

0oOo0oOo00oOo0oOo0

Xander found himself standing over a dark pit lined with countless teeth that slowly ate away at the fabric of the world. If he'd still had a body, he would've pissed himself in fear or puked himself in revulsion, or possibly both. "From beneath you it devours," he muttered, stepping on a bridge of golden light that led upwards, vanishing from all mortal ken.

"Next!" the woman behind the counter called out.

Xander floated forwards with a gentle flap of his wings, the ground beneath his feet made of clouds.

The angel behind the counter looked somewhat amused as she examined the scene she was in. "A heavenly DMV?"

Xander shrugged. "I was issued a robe, harp, halo and wings and told to wait in line, it just seemed to fit."

The angel chuckled and shook her head. "This is all a creation of your imagination to help you adjust. If you were a different person, you'd perceive the whole scene differently."

"So, you really don't look like Loni Anderson?"

She laughed. "Actually, since I'm older, I'd say she looked like me. Now, let's pull up your file. Hmmm, according to this, it isn't your time yet."

"I'm not supposed to be dead?" Xander asked.

"According to your file, you aren't dead. You've just been displaced by a curse. Nasty piece of work that," she said, typing away on a computer below his eye level.

"I told them it was a bad idea," he grumbled.

A printer next to her spit out a ticket and some paperwork. "Well, here is a ticket for your return trip and the authorization. Have a nice life, and I hope not to see you again for at least a century."

"A decade might be pushing it in my case, but I'll try," he promised. He flapped his wings a bit too hard and shot up like a rocket. "Whoa! Jane, how do I stop this crazy thing?" he screamed as he shot up through the clouds like a skydiver in reverse. After a few second, he remembered 'Loni' had told him that the reality he was experiencing was all in his mind, so he should be able to do something about it. Glancing down at his ticket, he concentrated on the symbols he saw, willing himself not to be shooting out of control through the clouds and instead be standing at his gate. After a half second of disorientation, he found himself standing in ranks with a number of other angels, all dressed differently and all holding various objects.

"Alright you bunch of feathered fairies!" an angel dressed as a Marine Drill Sergeant yelled out. "If you have followed directions you should have gifts and raiment. If you are still standing there naked with nothing in your hands, you have screwed up, and I will not have screw-ups in my unit. Is that understood?!"

"Sir, yes, Sir!" everyone chorused.

"Your orders all come with a ticket!" he shouted to the massed wing. "Hold it to your forehead so the symbols match this gate!" He slapped the golden gate in the featureless white wall behind him, and it rang like a bell.

Xander held his ticket to his forehead, not noticing that he had to hold it upside down compared to everyone else to make the symbols match.

"Now, repeat after me," the drill sergeant said as he called out a word that sounded like a fragment of blue light melting on the tongue.

Xander found he could repeat the word, and his paperwork faded away, leaving a set of gold symbols tattooed on his forehead.

"You should have at least two items in your hands, if you do not have two items in your hands, that will be dealt with later. Hold the items to your shoulders and repeat after me." Once more, he said the word.

Xander repeated the word, and his harp sank into his shoulder, leaving a small silver tattoo of a harp in its place. Raiment, wings, and halo soon followed, leaving everyone but the drill sergeant marked and tattooed.

The drill sergeant marched them through the gate. "Welcome to Boot Camp, or as I like to call it, the Tenth circle of hell," the sergeant called out. "You are guardian angels when I say you are guardian angels, and right now I wouldn't trust you to guard a cup of warm piss!"

"Sir, yes, sir!"

Thanks to the slightly faded memories of one Private Harris from a particularly memorable Halloween, Xander didn't feel like he was being dropped into an alien environment like the rest of the angels, he felt like he was coming home.

0oOo0oOo00oOo0oOo0

Whistler waited at the gate for Xander to show up so he could put him back in his own body and move Liam to where he was supposed to be. After a couple of minutes, he broke out a deck of cards and started playing Solitaire, grateful to be able to relax for a little while.

0oOo0oOo00oOo0oOo0

"What did you do to my boyfriend?!" Cordelia demanded, glaring at Willow.

"I...May have accidentally put Angel in his body," Willow admitted.

"Than where be Xander?" Kendra asked.

"He should still be in there," Willow defended herself.

"Stop kissing my boyfriend," Cordelia yelled, whirling on Angel and Buffy.

"Angel's my boyfriend!" Buffy growled, not letting him go.

"He's in my boyfriend's body," Cordelia reminded her. "Honey, are you in there?"

Angel looked a bit upset as he realized he wasn't in his own body. "I don't think he's in here," he admitted after a moment. "I'm used to having someone else in my head, and I've got nothing here."

"I-I-I..." Willow stuttered nervously, unsure what had happened.

"This will take some research," Giles said.

0oOo0oOo00oOo0oOo0

The first week of training was all about physical conditioning which, as they lacked bodies, was actually just testing their will. Normally, he'd lose maybe a dozen transfers from the choirs as they found they lacked the will needed to go that extra mile, but he'd yet to lose a single angel from this group. It was an anomaly, and probably an indication that someone was dicking around with his wing!

There was a flare of light as a green-eyed angel appeared and immediately dampened his aura of presence. Raguel, the angel sent to stand guard over hell had come. Like most Seraphim, he didn't beat around the bush. "Ed, you yourself were once human, and so is one of your new recruits. You haven't had any drop-outs because none of them are willing to look bad in his eyes."

"Pride?" Ed asked warily, always on guard against that most insidious of sins.

"Not necessarily," Raguel assured him. "He encourages them, and his belief in them when they doubt themselves gives them strength to carry on."

"They also seem to be gaining sexual characteristics that normally take decades to develop."

Raguel turned his eyes towards the barracks and looked through the walls to see the angels within. "I...see."

"Problem?" Ed asked.

"Not exactly," the angel replied. "Young Alexander had surrounded himself with strong women in life and used stories of them to encourage those around him."

"Must be some impressive stories," Ed said dryly, as he watched the sun set over the base.

"He's worked with two Slayers and grew up on the Hellmouth," Raguel replied. "Between that and his love of Norse mythology, I suspect you'll soon have one-hundred and sixty-nine female angels on your hands."

"Joy," Ed said dryly.

"Yes, I imagine giving 'the talk' to that many angels is a bit daunting."

"That's one way of putting it."

"You could always make Alexander do it."

"First good news I've heard all week," Ed said with a grin that would be called evil on anything other than an angel.

0oOo0oOo00oOo0oOo0

Whistler didn't know what was delaying Xander's arrival, but he was enjoying his time off. The area around the gate was technically part of Xander's soul as it intersected the plane of Judgment, the details of which would require a degree in advanced theology to understand and would get you excommunicated for discussing the very theory of. It had started off looking like an airport terminal filled with hard plastic seats and signs denoting what wasn't allowed as carry-on luggage. Whistler had spent the first day altering the seats to make them more comfortable and adding a newsstand that contained the latest novels. By the time a week had passed, Whistler had installed an eighteen hole golf course, a movie theater, and a 50s diner. Whistler was surprised at how little energy it took to make the changes, though he did have to put in a mini-golf course to prevent his full-sized one from turning into one.

"Bless Heavenly bureaucracy," Whistler said as he teed off.

0oOo0oOo00oOo0oOo0

The sub-plane of Heaven where the host trained was shaped by the will and experiences of its inhabitants. Ed, because of his fondness for the movie Full Metal Jacket, usually shaped the plane to fit, as his trainees were angels from the lowest ranks who had just outgrown their choir positions and had knowledge of little else.

However, that was not what he found himself facing as he got up that morning and prepared for sword training. The base still existed, but now the buildings showed Asian influences in their construction, with tile roofs and hanging lanterns. The trainees were now dressed in black two-piece Japanese-style robes that had gone out of style in ages past, and the swords that lined the racks in the dojo weren't remotely Western blades.

Ed sighed and decided to up Xander's training again as this was clearly his influence, and whatever he was being prepared for had to be of major importance for his inclusion into Ed's camp considering the disruption he was causing.

**AN: Typing by Lucillia!**


	26. Chapter 26

**Appropriate Title!**

"Yes Spiderman, you managed to defeat the clone I made of you in personal combat," The Hyena said, amused. "But, can you handle six of them?!" Cackling madly, he hit a button on the remote in his hand, causing six coffin-like devices to rise from the floor. One by one, they cracked open releasing a white mist and a fully outfitted clone of Spiderman.

"This may be a problem," Spiderman admitted.

"Whoever succeeds in killing him gets to take his place," The Hyena called out to his clones.

Five clones turned towards Spiderman, each determined to kill him and take his life for themselves.

"Is there a reason you aren't participating Number Six?" The Hyena asked in the same tone of voice he used to control unruly students as a teacher.

"Several," Six replied with a shrug.

The clones actually stopped and paused to listen to what reasons their clone sib could come up with.

"And, would you care to share?" the villain asked sarcastically.

The clone's hand darted out and a line of webbing snatched the remote from the Hyena's hand, which he quickly destroyed. "Well, for one thing, the whole fight with the original, to take his place, would probably end up a Battle Royale 'til the last clone standing got the spot, right?"

"That was the plan, yes," he agreed, frowning at the loss of his remote.

"I really don't like the idea of killing one of my siblings, much less half a dozen, and frankly..." The clone shook his head. "Peter's life really isn't worth it."

"What?" Spiderman asked in shock.

"The life of a college student who is forced to put up with all the crap you are is really not that attractive to me," Number Six said. "I have some amazing powers and an entire world to explore. Fighting to the death doesn't get me laid."

Number five scratched his chin thoughtfully. "You have a very good point."

"This is why I make multiple clones," the Hyena said. "Genetic drift causes all sorts of problems."

"My Spider-Sense mutated into common sense," Number Six joked. "I don't know about all of you, but I'm thinking of seeing if Xavier has any openings."

"So, just ignore our creator and Peter?" Number Three said hopefully.

"They can work out their own problems," Five agreed. "I'd much rather play with Kitty."

"Or Ororo," Number Two agreed.

"Way out of our league, but yeah," Four agreed. "That sounds loads more fun."

"Even now your libido is causing me problems," the Hyena cursed.

"Your libido is the real problem," Spiderman growled. "You tried to take advantage of one of your students, and when she rejected you-"

"Enough!" The Hyena growled out. "Fortunately, I planned for the unlikely event that you defeated one of my clones."

"It's more like we defected," Number One said.

"Whatever!" the Hyena waved it off. "See you in hell, Spidermen!"

The Hyena hit a button on the wall and Peter and all his clones grabbed their heads in pain.

"Bunker!" Number Three called out as the six drew together.

The Hyena laughed as explosions started ripping through the warehouse. Peter was the closest to the window and barely made it out before the entire thing collapsed, burying everyone in it alive. Sighing, he picked himself up and hoped Miles was gone for good this time before swinging off once more to resume his life, the one his clones didn't think was worth fighting for.

Ice formed on the rubble as ruptured cryo-tanks froze everything solid.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**Several years later...**

Dump trucks came and went carrying away loads of rubble and uncovering a mystery.

"What is it?" the foreman asked.

"No idea, but it's hard to cut," one of the workers said, poking at the cold grey mass.

"See if a torch will cut it," the foreman decided. "Just be sure to have hoses ready in case it's flammable."

"Will do, boss."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"This time you're through Spiderman!" The Green Goblin cackled. "Between Rhino, Shocker, and myself, we have you outnumbered and outgunned."

The street was a mess, holes torn in it from bombs, blasts, and blows. Cars were similarly destroyed and scattered about.

Spiderman slammed his dislocated shoulder against a truck, snapping it back into place. "Outnumbered maybe, but the way the six of you are wavering on your feet says I've got you on the ropes!" he joked.

"That's just the concussion talking," Rhino said, missing the joke completely and making the Shocker groan.

"This is the end!" the Green Goblin said, just before a second Spiderman landed on top of an overturned car.

"And, now I'm seeing double," The Shocker said.

Another Spiderman swung in, landing next to the original. "Hey pops, you look like you could use a hand."

"How old are you?" Rhino asked as another Spiderman arrived.

"I think it's time to split," Shocker said as he did a headcount and found that there were now five Spidermen on the scene.

"I think I'll stick to one on one from now on," Rhino said before running off.

"Ditto," Shocker said, hotwiring a motorcycle and speeding off.

"I'll get you one day," The Green Goblin promised, throwing a couple of bombs to cover his escape, which the spidermen webbed out of the air.

"Hi?" Spiderman said confused. "Thanks for the help?"

"It wasn't entirely altruistic," one of them admitted. "We needed Xavier's new number."

"Oh," Spiderman said. "Mutant?"

"Clone," one of them corrected. "Remember The Hyena's lab?"

"But, that was years ago!"

"cryo-tanks ruptured," one of the clones replied.

"Oh," Spiderman said, not sure how to feel about the whole situation.

"We tried the number you knew way back when, but it's no-longer in service."

"Weren't there six of you?" Peter asked.

"Two...kinda disolved," One said. "Apparently they either weren't stable, or reacted badly to being flash frozen."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Spiderman said after some thought, as he pulled out a cell phone and dialed Xavier.

A couple of the clones flipped cars back over and moved debris out of the way, just to help clear up traffic a bit.

"Hello, Magik?"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

A bright white disk flashed into being, dropping Illyana Rasputin and four teenage Spiderman clones into the front room of the X-Men's mansion.

**AN: Typing by Lucillia!**

**AN: It always bugged me that clones never displayed any common sense and always fought their original self.**


	27. Chapter 27

**An Educated Nin**

**Someone should have warned him not to listen to the voice in his head.**

**Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to someone with a lot more money than me, and I'm not making any money off this either.**

"Hey, kid."

Naruto whirled around but couldn't see anyone.

"Not out there stupid! In here," the voice commanded.

"In where?!" Naruto asked, looking around but not seeing anyone.

"The fox that lives in your belly-button," the voice replied. "Ring any bells?"

"Man, I need to wash more thoroughly," the boy said, shaking his head and wondering when the last time he cleaned his belly button was.

The voice chuckled. "I was wondering if you needed more help with your pranks."

"Sure," Naruto said...and the timeline changed.

**Several years later**

"Henge, Kawarimi, and Bunshin," Iruka repeated as he faced Naruto.

"***Polymorph Other***," Naruto cast, pointing a finger at Akamaru.

Akamaru morphed into a naked clone of Kiba while sitting on his head, sending them both to the floor in a loud crash.

"You're supposed to change yourself into a copy of someone else," Iruka said, trying not to think of how Naruto could screw that up.

"So, this is what being human is like," Akamaru said.

"Put on some clothes!" Ino ordered as she covered her eyes, only a very astute observer would notice her examining him from between her fingers.

Kiba ripped off his jacket and tossed it to Akamaru. "Put this on!"

"***Polymorph Self***," Naruto cast, turning himself into a perfect clone of Ino.

"Very good," Iruka said as he looked him over. "Now do Kawarimi."

Naruto snapped his fingers, "***Teleport*.**"

Iruka raised an eyebrow. "Nothing seems to have happened."

The blonde girl in front of him blushed and looked around. "How'd I get here?"

Iruka looked over and the blonde Doppelganger in Ino's seat gave him a grin and waved. He made a mark on his clipboard, impressed as he walked over to where Naruto now sat. "Bunshin."

Instead of making handsigns or calling out a spell, Naruto pulled out a kunai and placed 'her' left hand on the desk in front of 'her' and then, 'she' cut it off. Iruka stared in horror for a moment before noticing a lack of blood coming from the severed body part. The hand raised itself like a spider on its legs and scuttled around the table before Naruto picked it up and held it back in place for a moment while it reattached itself.

"Impressive, but what does that have to do with clones?" Iruka asked.

"I'm a simulacrum," Naruto explained. "An ice clone, any questions?"

Iruka examined Naruto closely. "Pass," he said, finally handing Naruto a hitai-ate. "So, where's the real Naruto?" he asked.

"Still in bed," the simulacrum replied. "He was up late practicing, so I let him sleep."

"Impressive work," Iruka admitted before moving onto the next candidate.

Akamaru, barely covered by Kiba's jacket, came over to ask, "How long does this last?"

"Permanent, unless I dispel it," Naruto replied, dispelling his own to change physically back into Naruto.

"Cool, I wanna give this human thing a shot," Akamaru said with a grin.

"My mom may kill you," Kiba said, still shocked at his partner being turned into a human. "I'll let you know."

"Thanks, I appreciate that," Naruto's simulacrum replied.

Once the class was dismissed, Naruto left with his head held high, seemingly unaffected by the comments some of the waiting parents muttered. He made an obvious gesture and seams came undone, causing no end of fuss and cursing as a number of adults were suddenly having a hard time keeping their modesty.

A bear masked ANBU grabbed him by the shoulder. "You've been a Genin for less than a minute and you're already being charged with a crime."

Naruto shrugged. "Just be sure to get everyone who's filing a complaint against me in the front row."

"I'll pass it along," Bear promised before shunshining them into the Hokage's office.

The old man behind the desk covered in paperwork raised an eyebrow. "Naruto? What have you done now?"

"His latest prank has caused a handful of civilian parents and a few Clan Heads' wives to end up naked following the Genin exam," Bear reported.

Sarutobi groaned. "Why pull this now, after you've just graduated?"

"That is a tale best told in the Council chambers where I can face my accusers," Naruto replied, far too cheerfully for the topic at hand.

"You have something planned," Sarutobi noted, lighting his pipe.

"Something that involves all of them being in front of you and asked a few questions," Naruto agreed.

"I'm not going to like this am I?" the old man asked, wondering what Naruto had up his sleeve.

"Probably not," Naruto admitted. "But, I've got all my ducks in a row on this one."

"Very well, I'll indulge you on this," he decided. "Do we really need to use the Council chambers?"

"Definitely."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

It took about half an hour to gather the now dressed parents of the newly minted Genin into the Council chambers, along with a few angry Clan Heads. Sarutobi took his seat behind the raised desk and waved for Naruto to stand in front where everyone could see him from the Council table. "I trust you all know why you're here?"

Inoichi Yamanaka, the head of the Yamanaka clan and the father of Ino Yamanaka from Naruto's class stood up. "I've been elected spokesman for our group."

"Very well, proceed," the Hokage agreed.

"Thank you Lord Hokage. We are here to press charges against Genin Uzumaki for the very public disrobing of the wives of the heads of the Yamanaka, Akimichi, and Nara clans as well as some sixteen fine, upstanding, citizens of the Leaf in his latest attack on dignity and honor."

"He should be kicked out of the Ninja corps," one of the women muttered to a chorus of agreement from the civilians.

Naruto shook his head. "Actually, you're all here so the old man can explain why I have the Kyuubi in me since you all told me."

"What?!" the Hokage's gaze speared the group, causing several to wet themselves as they all tried to babble out denials at once. "Silence!" Sarutobi shouted, freezing them all in place.

Naruto pulled a notebook out of his pocket and handed it to the Hokage who quickly read through it.

"Nothing explicit," he noted, looking down at Naruto.

"They skipped one or two words which others said, you'll note. I was fifteen feet away and it was enough to tell me, a Genin with no special training in putting things together."

"Agreed," Sarutobi said. "So, you just wanted them here to confirm the facts while you confronted me?"

"Nah, I also heard something about a law being involved, and since a lot of them instructed their kids to avoid me or even to do their best to sabotage my training, I figured a little legal revenge was in order," Naruto replied honestly.

"I see." Sarutobi leaned back in his chair and lit his pipe to give him a few minutes to think about how to handle this disaster.

"So, what was the law, and what's the deal with the fox?" Naruto asked intently.

"You are indeed correct, you hold the nine-tailed fox," Sarutobi said with a sigh. "We were unable to kill the fox, but the Fourth was a sealing genius, so he could seal him away, which required a newborn baby as the demon's chakra would burn out an adult, freeing the fox once more."

"And I was the only baby born that day? Talk about bad luck," Naruto muttered.

"So, the Fourth had no choice but to seal the fox in you," Sarutobi continued. "His last request was that you be seen as a hero."

"I ain't seeing any of that," Naruto said, shaking his head.

"The people disagreed and treated you like you were the fox sealed into human form," Sarutobi said sadly. "Eventually, I had to pass a law forbidding anyone to speak of it to anyone who did not know already, in hopes that you could live a normal life and make friends, unfortunately that did not happen."

"Stand up and take a bow traitors," Naruto said angrily. "He's talking to you!"

"Traitor is such a strong word," Inoichi said with a wince.

"The Fourth Hokage's wishes while he laid dying in defense of the Leaf were spat upon and your law bent until it snapped!" Naruto took off his headband and handed it to the Third. "There is no Leaf village, just a city of honorless traitors. I have no idea how I'm going to explain this to myself."

"Explain it to yourself?" Sarutobi asked, examining Naruto closely.

"I'm just a clone he made last night," Naruto admitted.

"Shadow Clone?" Sarutobi asked.

"Ice Clone," Naruto explained.

"Your memories don't transfer instantly like a Shadow Clone when you're destroyed?"

"Nope, I've either got to tell him in person or write notes, hence the notebook," the clone explained, just before a white-hot ring of flame rose up around him and he evaporated.

Sarutobi sat back and signaled for Bear, handing him the hitai-ate. "Tell Naruto he passed, but while showing off his clone melted. Everything that's happened here is now an S-ranked secret."

"Hai," Bear replied, bowing and vanishing in a swirl of leaves.

"Now, what should I do with you?" Sarutobi said, looking over the group. "Naruto was not wrong in calling you all traitors."

The group shrank back.

**AN:Typing by Lucillia!**


	28. Chapter 28

**I Like the Quiet**

There was something freeing about not having his friends around Xander decided. He didn't have to worry about coming off as a clown, while trying to keep things positive and upbeat, or anyone ignoring his ideas. Come to think of it, if he was alone, he wouldn't have to throw himself in harm's way when they got in over their heads and forgot to watch their backs. Whistling to himself, Xander continued along, enjoying the silence.

At least he was until Cordelia popped up out of nowhere and started screeching at him. He yawned and scratched himself, causing her voice to get even louder. Pulling a pair of earplugs out of his pocket, he put them in and smiled as it quieted to a dull roar. Carrying earplugs so his History teacher's voice wouldn't keep him awake in class had certainly come in handy he reflected as he walked away, leaving a speechless Cordelia Chase behind.

Earlier, his sense of guilt would've kept him listening, but after thinking things over, he'd decided he didn't owe her even that much. Since she'd decided it was over, that they had no relationship and she didn't want to hear a word he said, then he wasn't obligated to listen to her. Besides, he'd never walked away leaving her lying injured on the ground like she had him.

Unaware of the Soldier's memories coloring his thoughts and the primal encouragement, Xander hopped in his car and drove off.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Cordelia stormed back into the library, obviously pissed.

"Is everything alright?" Giles asked, while the rest of the Scoobs worked on cleaning up some of the mess caused by their recent battle.

"No, I was just laying into the cheatin' bastard when he put in earplugs and walked away!"

"Oh yeah, he wears those in History to keep it from keeping him awake," Willow said.

"What was he doing here?" Buffy asked. "I told him to stay home at night, he has no business being out."

"We can order people around?" Faith asked, surprised.

"Well...um," Buffy said, realizing that claiming she could because she was the Slayer wouldn't exactly fly with another Slayer around.

"Giles tells us what we have to do in general, being a Watcher and all, and Buffy leads us in battle," Willow summed up.

"Ah," Faith said, nodding. "You kicked him out of the gang, so he isn't likely to listen to you anymore."

"What?!" Buffy asked, suddenly worried.

"As part of the group, he was bound to the chain of command, but now he's on his own and completely outside your authority," Wesley explained, seeing what Faith was getting at.

Buffy and Willow exchanged glances, not quite sure what it meant, but sure it wasn't good.

"So, what was he doing here?" Angel asked.

"Anyone?" Wesley asked.

"He tried to talk to me earlier, but I told him to go home," Buffy said.

"I...kinda blew him off when he came up to me," Willow admitted.

"I...may also have done something similar." Giles added.

"So, it wasn't anything important then?" Wesley asked, figuring the boy really had no place in the fight anyway.

"Not as important as keeping the Hellmouth closed," Willow said.

"We'd better check," Angel said.

The Scoobs scattered around the school and returned a few minutes later.

"I have corpses and a blue girl," Faith announced.

"Zombies," Giles spoke up. "They didn't dust, and they have autopsy marks on them."

"So, Xander was fighting Zombies?" Cordelia asked.

"And, at least one more blue girl," Faith said.

"One more?" Buffy asked.

"A couple had me on the ropes earlier, killed one but dislocated my arm. I was screwed until Xander made a last-minute save and nailed the bitch from behind," Faith admitted.

"In the future, you all might want to consider listening to him before dismissing him." Wesley suggested.

"Two demons and a handful of Zombies," Buffy waved it off. "It doesn't sound that important. He should've stayed home like I said. He would've been safe and we could've handled things fine."

"Well, fuck you too," Faith said, glaring at Buffy. "Tired of working with me and want a new Slayer to look down on already?"

"I didn't-" Buffy tried to defend herself.

"Forget it!" Faith said angrily.

Oz barely stepped aside in time to let the pissed off Slayer storm past as he entered. "Um, does anyone know why there's a bomb in the basement?"

"Bomb?!" the group chorused.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander watched the sun rise with a smile on his face and earplugs in his ears, completely unaware of the pissed off Slayer ranting at him.

"What, am I talking to myself here?!" Faith yelled, before calming down, trying to think of why he wasn't talking to her. She winced as a thought hit her. "Ok, maybe it was a bit...rude to have your first time end like that," she admitted, not liking the fact that she'd treated someone who'd saved her life the way she'd been treated by guys in the past.

Xander turned around and saw Faith. "Faith? What are you doing here?" he asked pulling the earplugs.

Faith froze and looked from the earplugs to Xander's surprised expression and back again before she started laughing.

"What?" he asked cluelessly.

"I thought you were ignoring me because I was a bit rude to you earlier," Faith said, once she'd recovered.

Xander shook his head. "Just because you're rude to me doesn't mean I'll ignore you. You have to be rude, obnoxious, insulting and dismissive before I'll ignore you."

"Ouch," Faith said.

"It guarantees I'll never sleep with you again," he said, waving a finger at her. "Because, apparently I have more girly emotions than you, but I won't ignore you."

"Seriously?" Faith asked.

"I like my cuddle time," he said with a sight. "I got the equivalent of emotional blue balls, which is why I'm watching the sunrise."

"Watching the sunrise gets rid of emotional blue balls?" Faith asked.

"So does having a puppy lick your face, but the pet store's closed right now."

"I might buy the puppy," she said. "But, a sunrise?"

"Just look at it," Xander said with a grin. "For every degree it rises, there has to be a dozen vampires, too stupid to live, bursting into flame."

Faith burst out laughing.

"No, seriously," Xander said. "You know there are vamps out there that are as bright as a burned out bulb. Odds are, considering the number of vamps there are, dozens lock themselves outside their lairs or get caught outside every day."

"I just have a hard time picturing it," the dark-haired Slayer said.

"I've seen it," he said with a grin. "A vamp came out of a dark alley at me, just before a large truck moved out of the way of the sun."

"You got lucky."

"One vamp that stupid isn't a threat," Xander said. "I tripped him and that's all she wrote. Most vamps are idiots we are mentally superior to, even if we aren't physically superior to them like you Slayers are. One on one, I've never had a problem with anything short of a Master unless I was the one holding the idiot ball that day."

"How do you end up injured so often then?" Faith asked, recalling why Buffy had kicked him out, according to her.

"Because people forget to watch their backs, and I might be just a bit overprotective," Xander admitted. "I can take some bumps and bruises to get a vamp into position to stake. I have no problem doing so. Take a look and you'll find I'm behind everyone else in the serious injury game. I'm a quick healer, so I ignore a lot of little things."

"So, why'd Buffy boot you?"

"I don't like the corpse she claims is her true love, the thing with me and Willow caused friction, I've made her look bad by telling her not to do stupid things," Xander listed off. "Maybe a combination of things. All I know is It's nice to be able to have a night that doesn't leave me battered as a corn dog."

"You are a corn dog."

"Yes, but call me the naked wiener!"

Faith laughed. "So, not planning on rejoining the group?"

"I'd never be a part of any club that would have me as a member," Xander said, quoting Rodney Dangerfield.

"Well, maybe that's for the best, slaying's going to kill us all eventually."

"I never said I'd stop slaying, just that I wasn't rejoining the gang," he replied.

"Oh," Faith replied, unsure of what to say to that.

**AN:Typing by Lucillia!**

**AN: I couldn't see this being much different than any of a dozen stories where Xander leaves the group so I dropped it.**


	29. Chapter 29

**Commercials in Comics**

General 'Thunderbolt' Ross grinned widely around his cigar. They finally had him. They had the Hulk cornered in a small town and his units were almost in position to neutralize him! He was just about to order the attack when a one-eyed pain-in-the-ass made his appearance. He sighed heavily, knowing his day had just gone to shit. "What do you want, Fury?"

"World peace, but it's not likely in this day and age. I'm here to ask why you're attacking Mr. Harris," Fury, the Directory of S.H.I.E.L.D. asked.

"What?! But he didn't respond to any of the desserts we airdropped around him!"

"That's because you didn't use genuine Hostess fruit pies," Fury said with a grin, signaling for the Black Widow to move in.

The red haired woman approached the roaring green behemoth who immediately quieted and gently stroked her hair with a huge green finger. The fruit pie she pulled out of her belt immediately grabbed his attention and he slowly shrank as she started feeding it to him. Ross cursed loudly, pissed that he'd targeted the 'Hostess Hulk' rather than the real one, and that the officer in charge of snack procurement had tried to pawn off cheap, off-brand replacements for their beloved snackfood!

"Oh, and the President said that if he has to see a giant green penis on the news one more time, it'd be your ass," Fury said, amused.

"But shooting the Hulk in the crotch is the one thing keeping my blood pressure out of the red zone!" Ross yelled, being entirely truthful as the number of jokes on the walls of the men's restroom on base about the size of Betty's vagina because of the green behemoth numbered in the hundreds. Unnoticed, the Black Widow led the human form of the 'Hostess Hulk' aka Xander Harris, to take him home and find out what near apocalyptical event had caused his transformation this time.

As General Ross stomped off in a rage as great as any the Hulk had displayed, Hawkeye gave his report, "Harris is calmed and I heard some new Betty jokes."

Fury sighed, knowing he'd be forced to listen or Hawkeye would pout. "Go on."

"What do Betty Ross, Miss Piggy, and the newest aircraft carrier have in common?" Hawkeye asked.

"What?"

"They've all taken on loads of green seamen," Hawkeye said with a smirk.

"That was awful," Fury replied with a groan.

"I hear that the local tourist bureau has approved the use of the mules they use to descend into the Grand Canyon to tour Betty's vagina, but the tourists have complained."

"Why?" Fury asked, playing the straight man.

"They kept the five bucks a mile pay scale and a lot of the people found they just didn't have enough money to reach the bottom."

"These jokes get worse and worse," Fury groaned.

"Lighten up," Hawkeye said, "you'd think after getting approved a berth for the Helo-carrier's refit you'd be in a better mood."

"Really?" Fury asked, not having been notified of that.

"Yeah, Betty'll be by Thursday," Hawkeye said cheerfully.

"No jury would convict me," Fury warned.

"Gotcha, boss," Hawkeye said, quickly making tracks.

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	30. Chapter 30

**Copycat - Future**

A circle of light rolled up revealing a massive red haired man in Levis and a black shirt, carrying a bucket with the shaft of a hammer sticking out and a duffle bag slung over his shoulder. "Am I home?" he asked.

Everyone stared at him in shock.

He sighed. "Well, I was told I'd probably have to jump around a lot to find home. I guess they were right."

"Who are you?!" Buffy demanded, moving protectively in front of her friends.

"Xander Harris, but from a different timeline," Xander replied.

"I look like a Greek god in another timeline?" the local Xander asked in disbelief. "Man do I feel gypped."

"You aren't the only one," Cordelia muttered, trying not to drool.

"Hey!"

"Norse god, actually," Xander replied.

"You stink of blood," a dark skinned girl with a thick Jamaican accent declared, getting into a ready stance.

"That's the bucket of troll's blood," Xander replied, helpfully holding up the bucket he was carrying.

"And why am I carrying a bucket of troll's blood?" Native Xander asked.

"The hammer drips it continuously," Xander explained. "Hence the bucket."

"Is every question I ask just going to lead to another one?" Native Xander asked.

Xander shrugged and smirked. "Probably. Why do you ask?"

"Ok, why do you look like that and please answer as completely as possible, without being a smart ass," Native Xander said. "We're in the middle of a crisis right now."

"I got a box of partial New Mutant outfits from some English guy and made a New Mutant version of Mimic. For some reason, a bunch of us were turned into our costumes, but then something went wrong and it almost killed me, so I instinctively teleported to the medical bay in the X-mansion."

"We went to Marvel?!" Native Xander exclaimed.

"Yup. I've got the powers of Cypher, Wolfsbane, and Magic hardwired in. The magic altered my DNA, giving me some of their characteristics. Of course, I had two slots open for powers, so I copied Thor-"

"You copied a god?!" Buffy yelled.

"Marvel universe Thor, more of a being from a very powerful race than an actual god, and at least two thirds of his power came from magic items and such, so I'm only a third as powerful."

"Oh," Buffy calmed down.

"I also added Spider-Man's abilities, but my symbiote is providing those, so I used the final slot for Colossus' abilities."

"What does that all mean?" Giles asked.

"It means alternate me makes a master vampire or a slayer look like a five year old chemo patient," Native Xander said bluntly.

"Hey!" Buffy protested. "Just because he's got huge arms doesn't mean he's stronger than a slayer!"

Xander sat down and put his arm in position for arm wrestling. "Any time you're ready, Buff."

Buffy took a seat and clasped his hand. "Call it, Giles!"

Giles sighed. "One, two, three, go."

Buffy strained, but Xander didn't move an iota. "I'm going to push your hand down now," Xander announced and effortlessly did so.

"Woah," Oz said tonelessly. "Had to be said," he commented when everyone turned to stare at him.

"So what's the crisis?" Xander asked.

"Angel turned back into Angelus and has gotten ahold of a petrified dead demon that can suck the entire world into hell, if he figures out how to remove the sword from it," Native Xander explained.

"Joy," Xander deadpanned. "How'd the curse break?"

"Buffy slept with him."

Xander groaned. "And I can just see trying to explain to my Buffy why she can't boff Angel and being accused of being jealous and ignored. What the hell is wrong with slayers?!"

"Hey!" the dark skinned girl complained. "Do not lump me in with her, being a slayer doesn't mean an attraction to corpses!"

"We're going to re-ensoul him!" Willow, who had been quiet due to being a bit disturbed at seeing the alternate Xander, spoke up.

"That's only a temporary fix. What are you going to do the next time Buffy sleeps with him? Wait a second, how'd we get another slayer?"

"When we brought her back with CPR in the Master's Cave," Native Xander told him.

"It wasn't sex that broke the curse, it was a moment of pure happiness," Willow broke in.

Xander wrinkled his brow in thought, having been thinking about what native Xander had said. "So seeing Dead Buffy become Live Buffy made him less happy than fucking Buffy?"

Native Xander nodded. "Yeah, that's about the size of it. But truthfully… I'm guessing it was probably about feeling human again. At any rate it shows his moment of happiness wasn't about Buffy, it was about himself, so the trigger isn't really sex."

"They're soul mates," Willow said, trying to defend Angel.

"No, I know soul mates and they aren't it," Xander snorted, calling his sword up.

"Magik's soul sword?" Native Xander asked.

"Mine, actually," Xander said. "I copied all her powers and manifesting the sword and armor of my soul is part of it. Only I and my soul mate can wield it normally."

Native Xander reached out and tapped the sword.

"Of course you can touch it, you're me," Xander pointed out. "Timelines diverge but the soul doesn't."

Buffy cautiously passed a finger through it.

"So, your soul mate is probably going to be the same as my soul mate," Native Xander concluded.

"Yep, and she called up my sword to defend Buffy when she was dressed as a noble woman, so I know who she is. I talked to Dr. Strange about soul mates just to make sure I had things right, and one thing he was adamant about is that soul mates are always from the same generation and they always complement one another; so don't go throwing around the term when you don't know what it means."

"They seem to think it means person who a relationship with can only end in tears," Native Xander said bitterly.

"I've noticed," Xander said dryly. "They look down on anyone dating a younger girl, but they try to date guys old enough to do time for dating them. Double standards suck and the people who have them swallow. Well, enough about that, let's get the current crisis over with so I can find out what's likely to happen in my future."

"Future?" Willow asked.

"Yeah, I jumped from Halloween to Marvel to here, which is obviously later in the timeline. So I learn from me what has happened and I'm prepared for any events that are the same, like lottery numbers."

"You are so lucky it's unfair," Native Xander said, shaking his head.

"Yes, yes I am," Xander agreed cheerfully. "Well, get with the casting."

**Later...**

"It's done!" Willow called out excitedly. "It worked..." her voice trailed off as she took in the huge masses of spider webs coated in ash.

"Lotta vamps," Xander said.

"My envy of Spider-Xan knows no bounds," Native Xander said.

"The webs made it very easy," Kendra said thoughtfully.

"How long does the webbing last?" Giles asked.

"Ten minutes," Xander replied. "Then it crumbles to dust."

"Didn't the symbiote turn evil?" Oz asked, betraying his own comic book leanings.

"That requires a specific event which I short-circuited," Xander replied. "Reed even checked its dietary requirements for me so I'd know what to feed it to avoid the whole adrenaline junky problem."

"Really?"

"Yeah, just feed it what you would a pet snake or let it hunt for itself and things are hunky dory. Of course, I also feed it what I eat, as it has a sweet tooth to rival mine."

"What is the symbiote?" Kendra asked.

Xander's shirt changed colors and flowed like water to his waist so he was topless with a large belt and pants. "It's an intelligent life form that bonds with a person and takes any shape they desire as well as being a dozen other things, like providing webbing."

"Where can I get one?" Kendra asked.

"Unfortunately, the only place to get them is the Marvel universe, as I will be leaving here long before it's ready to bud off another one."

"So who's your soul mate?" Cordelia finally asked, giving up the hope that someone else would ask so she wouldn't have to betray her interest.

"Why do you care?" Xander asked curiously.

"Because I'm dating you, duh!"

"We're dating Cordelia?!" Xander exclaimed.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Cordelia demanded.

"It means the last I saw of you was at Halloween in a cat suit and you were still the world's biggest bitch!" Xander explained.

"She's gotten loads better, ditched the sheep, and risked her life helping out," Native Xander said loyally.

Xander sat down, a shocked expression on his face.

"People grow and change even if superficially they seem the same," Giles offered.

"What's your symbiote doing?" Willow asked.

Xander looked at where his 'belt' was reaching for the bucket. "You sure you want to try it?" he asked aloud. His belt buckle dipped into the bucket and the blood level slowly dropped. After about a quarter of the bucket was gone, his belt retracted and reformed his shirt.

"That was majorly wiggy," Buffy announced.

"You get used to it," Xander replied.

The webbing finally dissolved and Buffy sighed. "Kendra, you're with me. We're going to check out Angel's apartment. He'll probably head there first." Kendra sighed and nodded with one last glance at Xander's symbiote before leaving.

"So, soul mate?" Cordelia asked again. "I'm guessing from your shock at us dating, it's not me."

"I'm not opening this can of worms," Xander said. "Love, marriage, and kids generally happen without ever meeting your soul mate. Most peoples' soul mates are Chinese anyway."

"What?" came the confused reply.

"Look at the population figures," Xander replied. "Soul mates aren't necessarily born near each other, so logically most of the people here, more than likely, have their soul mates in China."

"But yours is here," Cordelia said. "You admitted to knowing who she was and said you and Xander would have the same one."

Xander nodded. "True, but you girls have some twisted 'destined love' idea in your head and that has nothing to do with soul mates at all."

"What?"

"Soul mates amplify each other's efforts, working together they are more than the sum of their parts. They unlock each other's potential. That is the purpose of soul mates, not some crappy teenage idea of twu wuv. So no, I'm not going to say who my soul mate is. If you want to screw up your current relationship, do it yourself."

"Thanks," Native Xander said with a relieved smile.

"No problem. Now let me get a notebook and pen out and you can run me through everything I need to know that happened here."

"Ok," Native Xander agreed easily. "It was Halloween when you left?"

"Yup. Halloween and the costume spell."

"Ok, let's see... Buffy has a friend from her old school show up, Ford. Ford knows she's the Slayer and will try trading her to Spike for being turned. He's dying of brain cancer, so..."

**Much later...**

"And that pretty much brings us up to date," Native Xander finished.

"Wow," Xander said, shocked at how weird things had gotten.

"Yeah," Native Xander agreed, knowing what he was thinking.

A hand sprouted from Xander's left shoulder, holding a black sphere. Xander looked at it in surprise while everyone else recoiled in shock. "You sure? Ok. Xander, my symbiote wants to give you his first bud. Normally it'd take longer to sprout one, but since you are another version of me it doesn't have to wait until it develops your normal symbiote's adaptability to bond with someone."

"You mean?" Native Xander asked excitedly.

"Yup, it won't have the full range of powers I have, since it wasn't designed to allow other people to shapeshift for instance, you won't be able to go wolf. In fact, it'll probably only give you Spider-Man's powers and Cypher's."

"Only? Trust me, that's more than enough!" Xander said, reaching for the black egg.

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**

**AN: A bit too wordy, I thought. If I did continue this I'd rather follow the Native Xander.**


	31. Chapter 31

**Naruto – Voices in my head chapter 2!**

**Continued from Fragments chapter 50 **

"Naruto, are you ok?" Iruka asked after the class had been dismissed. "I'm only asking because, though your work has been improving by leaps and bounds, I've noticed you've been talking to yourself a lot lately and that's generally a sign of stress."

"Just talking to a voice in my head, Iruka-sensei," Naruto replied.

Iruka froze.

"Not that voice," Naruto said, rolling his eyes. "She is generally pretty quiet. No, I'm talking about Ino. Ino screwed up a jutsu last week and basically cloned herself in my head. She's calmed down a lot since Inoichi came in and talked to her, but she still loves to talk and ignoring her would be a bit cruel, as there's only me and the squirrel girl to talk to and she retreats deep into her cage when Ino really gets going."

"Squirrel girl?" Iruka asked numbly.

"The animal form she takes is her choice."

"So you have Ino in your head?" Iruka asked, deciding not to think about the rest of it for now.

"Non-stop Ino," Naruto agreed.

"How's that work?"

"It's ... interesting," Naruto admitted. "She helps me with my schoolwork and catches things I miss."

"And knows your every thought?" Iruka asked, thinking of how much trouble he'd have gotten in growing up if any of the girls in his class could have read his mind.

"And vice versa," Naruto pointed out. "We aren't as different as they like to pretend, and that's all I have to say on that subject, because it only gets increasingly private and embarrassing from there."

"Well, I'm glad to hear you're doing ok, I was just worried that you were working too hard."

"I have been slacking off in my pranks lately," Naruto said thoughtfully. "And all work and no play could turn me into Sasuke. I'll fix that right away!" Naruto promised, rushing out the door.

"I..." Iruka groaned. 'That'll teach me to take a couple of days off in the middle of the school year.'

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"What to do?" Naruto asked aloud.

"Spy on Sasuke?" Ino suggested.

"Not something I enjoy," Naruto pointed out.

"Relax in the public furo?"

"Your reaction to all the naked guys makes my body react and I really don't need that kind of reputation."

"It's perfectly normal," Ino argued, feeling insulted.

"Perfectly normal on your part," Naruto agreed, "but bleed over causes an abnormal reaction on my part."

"Ok," Ino agreed, mollified. "How about pranking forehead?"

"I like her and I know you do too!"

"She's hung up on Sasuke," Ino said angrily, a tangle of emotions sweeping through that Naruto had no intention of touching.

"We need something we'll both enjoy unless we want to split the time taking turns," Ino said as Naruto stood there in deep thought.

"Meditation and ego boundary reinforcement?" Naruto asked. A surge of hormones hit Naruto making him shiver. "We should probably burn off some ... energy, first," Naruto suggested as they headed back to his place. "Cause the last few times we kept getting ... distracted, when we should have been working."

"Can we..." Ino trailed off, a combination of arousal and embarrassment filling the air.

"After all the things you've seen in my head, do you really think anything you can come up with will be that bad?" Naruto asked.

"Can we use your sexy jutsu?" Ino blurted out.

Naruto stumbled but quickly recovered and continued on. "Sure, but I don't know if it'll work that well." Memories of curiosity ending in frustration bubbled up.

Ino blinked. "you were so doing that wrong."

"It worked when I was a guy, it should have worked as a girl."

Ino chuckled. "Let me do it. Trust me, you'll love it."

Naruto quickly pushed down a flicker of fear but Ino caught it anyway. "They're both good, just different. Just leave yourself in my hands and have no fear!"

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Wow. Just wow," Naruto said when he could finally think straight. "Slow start-up, but it lasts a while."

"Told you," Ino said smugly. "Nothing wrong with guys' exploding tag setup, it makes for a hell of an explosion, but a katon jutsu is nice too."

"A lot more complicated," Naruto said, "at some points I could swear you grew a third hand to keep things going."

"Nah, just takes practice and manual dexterity."

"Think we've burned off enough to be able to do the exercises now?" Naruto asked.

"Sure," Ino said cheerfully. "But we better have you pop an exploding tag as well just to be sure."

"No problem," Naruto agreed.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Naruto and Ino sat back to back, floating three feet off the floor of the dojo. The dojo door slid open and Inoichi stepped inside and stared in shock. He never thought they'd come this far, this fast. Hell, he'd been chunin before he'd managed to reach the stage they were at now. Clapping loudly, he brought their awareness back to the present. "Kids, time to wake up."

***thump***

The two dropped to the floor and started cursing and rubbing their tailbones as the dojo dissolved into a familiar looking cavern. "What was that for?" Naruto demanded.

"Do you realize how long you've been in here?" Inoichi demanded back.

"Um... no," Naruto admitted.

"It's Tuesday afternoon," Inoichi said.

"What?!" Ino shrieked in shock.

"When did you start meditating?" he asked.

"Thursday after school," Naruto admitted.

"Your ego boundary is in no danger of corruption by foreign thoughts, so I will leave you with one last piece of advice that I was given as a genin," Inoichi said wryly. "If you manage to master the mind defense - ego reinforcement technique, you can end up losing track of time, so make sure to set a trigger to wake yourself, just in case."

"You mean we..." Ino trailed off, eyes wide.

"Yes," Inoichi confirmed, "you have mastered it."

"Then I can learn more advanced techniques?" she asked excitedly.

Inoichi's face fell. "I am sorry, Ino, but although clan law allows me to repair the damage done by one of our clan, it doesn't allow me to teach anything more than is necessary to do so to someone outside the clan."

"What are you saying?" Ino asked, horrified.

"I can't teach you any clan techniques. In fact, this is probably the last time you'll see me," he said sadly before releasing his technique and fading away.

"I...," Ino trailed off, tears in her eyes.

"Ino, what's wrong?" Naruto asked, concerned.

"I'm Ino, that's what's wrong!" she cried.

"I don't understand," Naruto said, hugging her and rubbing her back.

"I'm clanless. I'm not Yamanaka, I'm just Ino, Ino nameless."

"Hey, you are Ino Uzumaki!" Naruto said fiercely.

"R-Really?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah," Naruto assured her. "We aren't that big a clan, having only one body and a short one at that," he joked, "but we got three members."

"Three?" Ino asked, confused.

"Yup, and one's a real demon in the sack."

"Oh!" Ino said, remembering the Kyuubi.

"And one's a guy," he continued, "and the last one..."

"Yeah?" Ino asked, wondering how he'd describe her.

"Is a squirrel girl!"

Ino frowned and looked over at the cage, mentally connecting the dots. "Naruto!" she shrieked, embarrassed.

He hugged her tighter so she couldn't get loose and clobber him. "And I'm sure that between the three of us, we can develop our own jutsu," he said firmly.

"You really think so?"

"Or steal them, we are ninja after all," he pointed out.

"Yeah," she agreed, burying her face in the side of his neck. "Naruto?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"No problem, Ino-chan."

The scene dissolved and Naruto sat up in his bed, not even stiff from laying still for the better part of a week.

"See, I told you he'd be up in a minute," Inoichi said.

"How are you feeling?" Sarutobi asked, gently.

"Physically fine," Naruto said, "but Yamanaka-san upset Ino quite a bit."

"I had no choice," Inoichi said. "If I taught Ino our clan jutsu, I'd be effectively giving them to you."

"I understand, but the way you broke it to her was about the worst way possible. Thankfully, there's more than one way to skin a cat and Ino Uzumaki has plenty of time to develop her own jutsu."

"I'm glad to see the Uzumaki spirit is so infectious," the Hokage said with a smile.

"I never expected her to last this long," Inoichi said. "I mean, even after it became apparent that against all odds Naruto's own mind wasn't rejecting her, I half expected her to run out of chakra, so... I simply wasn't prepared to break it to her."

"Of course I wasn't gonna reject her," Naruto snorted. "Even at her most annoying she sure as hell didn't deserve to get killed for it!"

Inoichi shook his head. "The chakra drain alone should have caused your subconscious to reject her."

"What drain?" Naruto asked, confused.

"You haven't noticed a decrease in your chakra supply?" Inoichi asked.

Naruto shook his head. "Not a bit."

"So it hasn't made a difference in your chakra composition?" the Hokage asked curiously.

"My what now?" Naruto asked, confused.

"Being a demon container causes problems that other students, except for some rare bloodlines, don't have to deal with, so I asked that some additional training be provided for you," the Hokage explained.

Naruto tilted his head to the side, obviously listening to Ino for a minute. "They provided it for the class, but I was only there for the last day of it. I got a three day suspension for a prank I pulled, so I missed most of it and the last day of it I recall the teacher saying that most nin would never need to vary their chakra and since I had no idea what he was talking about I took his advice and ignored it."

Inoichi and Sarutobi exchanged glances. It looked like an accident, but was probably a subtle form of sabotage that was almost impossible to prove. "I'll see about having someone train you personally," Sarutobi promised.

Naruto nodded and then yawned. "Well, thanks for the wake up, but since I haven't actually slept since last week I think I need some sleep now."

The Hokage chuckled. "Sleep tight, Naruto."

"Night, jiji."

**Part 3**

Naruto settled into the seat next to Sasuke with a sigh. Ino had convinced him to sit next to Sasuke and not bug him, which took all the fun out of sitting next to him in Naruto's opinion. Sasuke watched Naruto out of the corner of his eye. He'd been less annoying lately which gave Sasuke less opportunities to annoy him back, which took all the fun out of having him around in Sasuke's opinion.

The familiar sound of Ino and Sakura fighting drifted down to the front of the room as they argued and fought every step of the way 'til they were right behind Naruto and Sasuke. "Move it Naruto-baka!" Sakura ordered. "I want to sit next to Sasuke!"

Naruto turned around and growled at Sakura, his voice sounding more like Ino than his own as he said, "So what, forehead, you get here late you don't get to choose the seat you want. Grab an open one."

"What?!" Sakura shrieked, drawing back a fist to hit him.

"Mind transfer technique," he called out, his hands forming seals most of the class knew from having seen Ino do them.

Sakura blinked and lowered her hands. "Mind transfer technique success."

"What?!" Ino shrieked.

"Ino, you okay in there?" Naruto asked.

"In where?!" Ino demanded.

"Not you, Yamanaka-san," Naruto said coldly.

"I'm fine," Sakura answered, wearing Ino's trademark smirk. "Sorry about taking control like that, it was unintentional."

"Don't sweat it," Naruto waved it off. "Ego boundaries still holding?"

"Like a rock," Sakura said.

"The echo!" Ino exclaimed.

Sakura ignored her. "I got her in a headlock, well one of them anyway."

"One of them?" Naruto asked.

"Mind Purge!" Ino called out, hands flashing through several seals.

Sakura and Naruto dropped to the ground bonelessly.

Naruto instinctually retreated to the mental dojo he'd created and found Ino and Sakura fighting there, well hair pulling and arguing anyway.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

The Hokage looked up as an ANBU member shushined in. "Naruto Uzumaki is attempting to assassinate Inoichi Yamanaka again."

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	32. Chapter 32

**X-2 Part 2 - Two's Company and Three's Still a Felony in Texas**

**Continued from Fragment chapter 28**

"Where is everyone?" Buffy asked, finding Willow sitting alone watching the news and eating popcorn.

"Xander, Tara, and Dawn ran off to plot mischief," Willow replied, not taking her eyes from the screen.

"Without you?"

"I hid," Willow explained, offering Buffy some popcorn.

"What am I missing?" Buffy asked, knowing something more had to be going on.

"Xander was grinning and bored," Willow said in the way most people would say 'I think it's ticking'.

Buffy paled and sat down on the sofa next to her best friend. "They're on the news?"

"Not yet," Willow replied matter-of-factly.

"What's with the long face?" Joyce asked, unsteadily entering the room.

"Mom!" Buffy yelped, and quickly helped her to the sofa. "You're supposed to be resting."

"I'm not running a marathon dear. I was bored and couldn't sleep, so I decided to come down and see what was going on."

"Xander was bored and drug off Tara and Dawn while I escaped," Willow explained.

"Oh my!" Joyce exclaimed. "So the news..."

"Waiting to see what happens and if it'll go national," Willow finished.

Joyce took a handful of popcorn and joined Willow in watching the news.

"Shouldn't we try and rescue Dawn and Tara?" Buffy asked unenthusiastically.

"Xander wouldn't let them get hurt," Willow replied, still not looking away from the TV.

"He's not exactly in his right mind right now," Buffy pointed out. "I recall hearing about a noodle incident, and we were all there for the cattle and the horses on Dawn's birthday."

"Dawn said she wanted to ride a pony for her birthday, and I couldn't find one that was available," Joyce admitted guiltily.

"I'd been having him help me prepare for a debate on the Vegan lifestyle, pro and con," Willow offered, knowing she herself wasn't completely blameless.

"I...may have mentioned something about wanting to be a cowgirl when I was younger," Buffy added.

"So, it was all of us," Willow decided.

"We inspired him anyway." Joyce chuckled.

"Hopefully, Dawn and Tara can take the rap for this one than," Buffy said. "And, is it just me or have those three...erm, four gotten really close lately?"

"It's not just you," Willow replied, unconcerned.

"And, neither of you are worried?" Buffy asked.

"Why would we be worried?" Willow asked, confused.

"He...They have been at loose ends since Anya left. As in, no steady source of female affection," Buffy hinted.

"Tara's already seeing someone - Moi - and not to mention, gay," Willow pointed out.

"Dawn's not exactly subtle or anywhere close to it, so I don't think she's leading them on." Joyce smirked.

"He cheated on Cordelia," Buffy said. "And, once a cheat always a cheat."

"Thanks," Willow deadpanned, not forgetting her own part in the mess, even if Xander had shouldered most of the blame, they'd both earned it equally.

"I...I didn't mean it like that," Buffy stuttered out.

"I seem to recall a cheerleader who cheated on quite a few boyfriends. Poor Steven didn't even know you'd broken up with him, meaning that you hadn't, until he'd shown up to your birthday party and discovered that your date was his older brother," Joyce said flatly, knowing the skeleton in Buffy's closet and finding her double standard hypocritical.

"Men..." Buffy trailed off.

"You took the whole fluke thing very personally and if it wasn't for you supporting me, I'd think you were taking Cordelia's side," Willow said thoughtfully.

"Didn't she say that Cordy was Sunnydale's version of her?" Joyce asked.

"So, she identified strongly enough to share some of her feelings, but wouldn't that mean she'd blame me like Cordelia did?" Willow asked Joyce, both talking as if Buffy wasn't there.

"I hate to sound Freudian, but it probably has to do with me, Hank, and the divorce. He cheated on me, but I was blameless, so she decided it was all the man's fault when we left."

"So, she sees Xander as a bit of a father figure?"

"Not quite. I'd say she's shoved all her Electra Complex emotions on him though."

"That is so wrong," Willow said with a wince.

"But it fits?" Joyce asked.

"Like a glove," Willow admitted. "It even fits with the DC mythos where Zeus breathed life into a statue and gave life to Wonder Woman. Xander breathed life into Buffy and gave us The Slayer when a new Slayer had already been chosen!"

"Incest and the Greco-Roman gods go together like salt and pepper," Joyce said solemnly.

Buffy who'd been getting redder and redder just stared at the two in shock for a moment, before Willow and Joyce started giggling and she realized she'd been had. Buffy groaned. "Okay, I get it, I'm wrong, as wrong as that electro-thingy you two were talking about. But, Xander doesn't have the best track record or luck, and he can be very convincing. Now picture yourself walking into a dorm room and finding a trail of discarded clothes leading to a naked Xander and Tara covered in sweat and writhing around on a bed!"

Buffy and Joyce watched as Willow's eyes glazed over and it was obvious she wasn't answering. Joyce couldn't stifle her giggles while Buffy turned a bright red.

"But, they could fall in love with each-other and stop loving you!" Buffy said, breaking Willow from her fantasy.

Willow thought about that for a second and shook her head. "Xander has always loved me, even when he couldn't show it very well. Remember Vamp Me? You know how he feels about Vampires, but he couldn't stake her."

Buffy looked unconvinced and Willow rolled her eyes. "Call them and ask if they all still love me then," Willow ordered, deciding to make a point.

Buffy quickly got up and retrieved the phone when it looked like Joyce was going to get up to get it.

**0o0o0o0o0o0**

"If we were to break up and you started dating Xander-" Willow began.

Tara interrupted her, "Baby, I'm nothing but happy with you!"

"I know, I'm just saying, if it did happen, would you have an affair with me?"

"Let me check. Xander, if we were dating, would you get mad if I slept with Willow?"

"Do I get to watch?" Xander asked.

"We'd have a huge affair," Tara promised Willow, not answering Xander.

As Willow and Tara exchanged goodbyes, Dawn raised an eyebrow at her Xander-Chair.

"I'm a fair-minded guy, I'd answer the same if you asked," he assured her.

Tara smirked. "But, you'd have to have to be having an affair in a place with very big closets for me and both Xanders to peek out of and watch."

"Hey! One Xander to a customer!" Dawn exclaimed, wrapping Xander's arms around herself.

"I'm letting you borrow Willow, aren't I?" Tara pointed out. "The least you could do is let me have both Xanders while you're busy."

The Xander rubbing Tara's shoulder's chuckled. "We are the same person, just in two bodies. When we sleep, our memories synch up."

"So, I haven't been cuddling with the same Xander each time?" Dawn asked.

"No idea," the Xander she was using as a chair replied.

"I should tattoo 'Property of Dawn' on your butt," she swore.

"If we have to tattoo the names of everyone that owns a piece of Xander's heart on his butt, you'll have hit the back of his knee before you finish. He's a very caring person," Tara replied.

"I'm not claiming his entire heart, just a Dawn-sized chunk and one of his bodies. So, really, it's more like a list of the few women blessed enough to have rights to his physical self, which is much smaller."

"True... Ohhh, we could form a small company, that way it'd just be a small logo on his tush."

"Xander Lovin' Limited Inc." Dawn announced. "Chairwoman and CEO, Dawn Summers. I could have my own office with a huge marble desk."

"And a walk-in closet," Tara smirked.

**AN: Typing by Lucillia! Read and review her work!**


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